In-laws upset they can't visit ON grandchild's birthday

[Anonymous]

Just curious, why can't they visit this year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, why can't they visit this year?

WTF? The OP was clear about this in her post. 1, They have other house guests. 2. The actual birthday person would prefer not to spend it with them, 3. It is not their birthday, 4, They did not accept no but instead were upset and rude.

OP wasn’t asking whether she should roll over, kick out her house guests, tell her kid to suck up it it’s granny day not your birthday, or what ever pushy compromise’ you are fishing to work in.

[Anonymous]

1. I didn't say they needed to stay with her. I am just trying to understand what the issue is this time.
,2. She did not say this.
3. Duh
4. Maybe they are also struggling to understand and feel left out bc other grandparents are there on a special occasion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teenagers and they manage to see the grandparents and also do things with their friends for their bdays. Why does it have to be either or?

Seriously. The grandparents arrive, the family has dinner out the night before the birthday to celebrate the birthday child. Following day is actual birthday, everyone sings as the birthday song, presents. Child is free to go to swim party, pizza, host sleepover. Whatever. It's possible to do multiple things. My kids have often had visiting grandparents be some part of their birthdays.

OP is already hosting overnight guests; her parents. I don’t see why she is expected to host ILs as overnight guests as well. ILs can stay in a hotel for one night, or make two “couple hour” drives in the same day, if they want to be part of a dinner or something.

[Anonymous]

DH just needs to tell them "no."' I have done the same thing with my own mom who lives a few hours away. She gets disappointed, but I leave her to manage that. DH can offer a future date for a visit if you have one in mind.

[Anonymous]

Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

This was pretty nasty! I don't understand why grandparents think they are entitled to spend a birthday child's day with them. They've had their own children, it's the parents' turn now. These are grandchildren, not their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

This was pretty nasty! I don't understand why grandparents think they are entitled to spend a birthday child's day with them. They've had their own children, it's the parents' turn now. These are grandchildren, not their own children.

Spare me the “entitled” bullshit. They LIKE it. They’re the grandparents. They want to see their grandkids on their birthdays. What’s the problem? For every post like this there’s another where the poster complains about the grandparents’ lack of interest or involvement.

There’s plenty of room for compromise here where OP can easily avoid hurt feelings and be a decent person. I’m not talking about carving out the entire day for the ILs and the birthday girl. I’m talking about including them in whatever is already planned for the birthday for that day in which the other visiting parents will be included — and suggesting a hotel.

The other parents are there for TWO WEEKS. I imagine the in-laws have never spent two weeks at OP’s house. It would kill no one in this family and would be very gracious if for PART of ONE day the in-laws be permitted to participate. Again, change no plans for anyone, just invite the ILs along for a couple of hours of the ride.

The only valid and reasonable excuse for not doing so would be if OP and her parents have absolutely nothing planned for the kids’s birthday — which isn't likely — and she is just going to go out with her friends. If that is the case, then tell that to the in-laws. But be honest and be an adult.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm in the way minority, but I really don't see the problem in inviting them to do a quick popover (one night, staying at a hotel, seeing you for dinner and breakfast) if the birthday timing is super important to them or for a longer stay in a month if they can be more flexible.

You already have house guests! They live pretty close! I could very easily have that conversation with both my parents and my inlaws. (And I have trouble imagining any reasonable adults who couldn't.)

Also, your kids are teen/tween-age?! Did your grandparents spend every birthday with you at that age? I just think you need to re-set expectations a bit. And yeah, they might be disappointed but only they can control their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Love how OP is making her kids relationship with grandparents about “my inlaws”. Telling on yourself there, OP.

[Anonymous]

“My parents are in town and Larla is seeing her friends on her birthday so unfortunately we will need to postpone your visit until next week. Thanks for understanding! Larla is up for a face time around 4 pm on her bday!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws live a few hours a day and like to visit on or around the kids birthdays. I don't love having them on the kids' birthdays because it kind of ruins the day to have to cater to them instead of the birthday child (this year my teen was gracious and kind all day but later expressed that she wished they'd visited another day and we could have just had a family dinner). This year, my own parents will be in town from overseas for two weeks and my pre-teen's birthday falls in the middle of that and my in-laws are very upset that they can't visit on or within a few days of her b-day. Any recommendations on how to help smooth things over and maybe reset expectations for future years especially as the kids get older and want to do their own thing on their birthdays?

What does the pre teen want? You mentioned the teen doesn’t want the grandparents’ visit but what about the bday kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm in the way minority, but I really don't see the problem in inviting them to do a quick popover (one night, staying at a hotel, seeing you for dinner and breakfast) if the birthday timing is super important to them or for a longer stay in a month if they can be more flexible.

You already have house guests! They live pretty close! I could very easily have that conversation with both my parents and my inlaws. (And I have trouble imagining any reasonable adults who couldn't.)

Also, your kids are teen/tween-age?! Did your grandparents spend every birthday with you at that age? I just think you need to re-set expectations a bit. And yeah, they might be disappointed but only they can control their feelings.

I don’t think you are in the way minority. I would definitely make room for both grandparents especially if they are local.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it. In our case, we would just take everyone to dinner the night before or something.

+1


All the pps must be moms of girls. For others, some day you will be the MIL who gets shut out. Do unto others, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

+1000