In-laws upset they can't visit ON grandchild's birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

+1

Immediate family comes first. Always.

Yea, until you need help from the grandparents and they tell you to go stuff it — and you deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

Lots of folks have more “bandwidth” than you. Sorry for your limitations.

Fabulous! Please post your address. OP can send her in laws over to you and you can cater to their whims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

The kids can choose what they do on their birthday but I am not turning away my parents or my inlaws who want to celebrate with them sometime the birthday week, whether that is at home or a restaurant. None of this is complicated or difficult nor should it cause drama.

DP that's fine for your situation.

OP should not be criticized for setting boundaries around high maintenance in-laws.

I am unclear how they are high maintenance. Again, wanting to celebrate a grandkid's bday is not HM.

They need to be "catered to".

"I don't love having them on the kids' birthdays because it kind of ruins the day to have to cater to them instead of the birthday child"

According to the DIL. I take this with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

The kids can choose what they do on their birthday but I am not turning away my parents or my inlaws who want to celebrate with them sometime the birthday week, whether that is at home or a restaurant. None of this is complicated or difficult nor should it cause drama.

DP that's fine for your situation.

OP should not be criticized for setting boundaries around high maintenance in-laws.

I am unclear how they are high maintenance. Again, wanting to celebrate a grandkid's bday is not HM.

They need to be "catered to".

"I don't love having them on the kids' birthdays because it kind of ruins the day to have to cater to them instead of the birthday child"

Well you are taking the OPs word that they have to be "catered to" by her. This could be her own perceived issue or her DH's lack of initiative or it could be that the ILs do expect to be brought water and food while they put their feet up and arrive and leave at the times of their choosing.

If they are bad houseguests then the adult way to handle this is to, for example, book a table for X number of people at X restaurant the night before/day after the bday for everyone and invite them and they can take it or leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

Lots of folks have more “bandwidth” than you. Sorry for your limitations.

Fabulous! Please post your address. OP can send her in laws over to you and you can cater to their whims.

You’re a real piece of work. You have no “bandwidth” for two additional people once a year. One wonders how you function. Obviously you aren’t holding down any kind of decent job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

The kids can choose what they do on their birthday but I am not turning away my parents or my inlaws who want to celebrate with them sometime the birthday week, whether that is at home or a restaurant. None of this is complicated or difficult nor should it cause drama.

DP that's fine for your situation.

OP should not be criticized for setting boundaries around high maintenance in-laws.

I am unclear how they are high maintenance. Again, wanting to celebrate a grandkid's bday is not HM.

They need to be "catered to".

"I don't love having them on the kids' birthdays because it kind of ruins the day to have to cater to them instead of the birthday child"

Well you are taking the OPs word that they have to be "catered to" by her. This could be her own perceived issue or her DH's lack of initiative or it could be that the ILs do expect to be brought water and food while they put their feet up and arrive and leave at the times of their choosing.

If they are bad houseguests then the adult way to handle this is to, for example, book a table for X number of people at X restaurant the night before/day after the bday for everyone and invite them and they can take it or leave it.

Yea, your reasonable approach has been suggested various times — and shot down by nasty women who prefer to just tell the mother of their spouse and the grandmother to her children to go F herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to the DIL. I take this with a grain of salt.

Anonymous wrote:Well you are taking the OPs word

DIL prejudice from the MIL apologists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to the DIL. I take this with a grain of salt.

Anonymous wrote:Well you are taking the OPs word

DIL prejudice from the MIL apologists.

Not an apologist. I have my own issues with the ILs. I have just learned how to be adult about it and not play mind games or be controlling for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to the DIL. I take this with a grain of salt.

Anonymous wrote:Well you are taking the OPs word

DIL prejudice from the MIL apologists.

Not an apologist. I have my own issues with the ILs. I have just learned how to be adult about it and not play mind games or be controlling for no reason.

So you say.

We’re not talking you by your word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

+1

Immediate family comes first. Always.

Yea, until you need help from the grandparents and they tell you to go stuff it — and you deserve it.

Grandparents will help, if they want to see their grandchildren.

They will see their grandchildren more if they respect the boundaries of the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

Lots of folks have more “bandwidth” than you. Sorry for your limitations.

Fabulous! Please post your address. OP can send her in laws over to you and you can cater to their whims.

You’re a real piece of work. You have no “bandwidth” for two additional people once a year. One wonders how you function. Obviously you aren’t holding down any kind of decent job.

DP. Depends on the two people. Some people are easy; some people are difficult.

An easy person understands that intuitively. A difficult person needs that to be explained to them.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else find it obnoxious that the OP's ILs are insisting that they visit while OP's parents are there from another country?

The ILs are relatively local and presumably get to see their grandchildren far more often, birthdays or not, than the OP's parents do.
It's rude that they're insisting that they have to visit while OP's parents are there for such a limited time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find it obnoxious that the OP's ILs are insisting that they visit while OP's parents are there from another country?

Yes. Absolutely yes.

Anonymous wrote:
The ILs are relatively local and presumably get to see their grandchildren far more often, birthdays or not, than the OP's parents do.

+1

Anonymous wrote: It's rude that they're insisting that they have to visit while OP's parents are there for such a limited time.

It is rude. And it's obvious they are overbearing. This is how overbearing people behave. OP has a right - an obligation even - to enforce reasonable boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find it obnoxious that the OP's ILs are insisting that they visit while OP's parents are there from another country?

The ILs are relatively local and presumably get to see their grandchildren far more often, birthdays or not, than the OP's parents do.
It's rude that they're insisting that they have to visit while OP's parents are there for such a limited time.

Yes that was the first thing I picked up on. Let them have this one celebration with their grandkid (or make an offer like "can we meet you for one meal?")

[Anonymous]

The ILs sound lonely. I would let them come for a one-night stay or tell them that they are welcome to come but will need to stay in a hotel.

The OP sounds like she just doesn't like the ILs. Too bad. They are your child's grandparents and one day you won't have to deal with any of this anymore!