In-laws upset they can't visit ON grandchild's birthday

[Anonymous]

Something tells me that OP would not tell her own parents not to come just because her ILs were there for 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ILs sound lonely. I would let them come for a one-night stay or tell them that they are welcome to come but will need to stay in a hotel.

The OP sounds like she just doesn't like the ILs.

There is a difference between not liking a person and not liking how a person mistreats you and your family.

Anonymous wrote:They are your child's grandparents and one day you won't have to deal with any of this anymore!

Playing the "we'll be dead soon" manipulation card isn't a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ILs sound lonely. I would let them come for a one-night stay or tell them that they are welcome to come but will need to stay in a hotel.

The OP sounds like she just doesn't like the ILs.

There is a difference between not liking a person and not liking how a person mistreats you and your family.

Anonymous wrote:They are your child's grandparents and one day you won't have to deal with any of this anymore!

Playing the "we'll be dead soon" manipulation card isn't a good look.

Yeah lots of projection on this thread which explains some of the comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ILs sound lonely. I would let them come for a one-night stay or tell them that they are welcome to come but will need to stay in a hotel.

The OP sounds like she just doesn't like the ILs. Too bad. They are your child's grandparents and one day you won't have to deal with any of this anymore!

I don’t know if they’re “lonely,” but it’s very clear that OP just plain doesn’t like them. In prior years she just held her nose and had them over for the birthdays, she herself said. This year she’s unwilling to do it at all. And it’s only because HER parents are here. It’s obnoxious.

Yes, I get that they’re here from overseas. But they’re here for two weeks. There’s no reason why OP couldn’t be gracious to the ILs for one day during that time. She just doesn’t feel like it. And of course, she’s getting plenty of support here, because this site is full of equally unpleasant and uncaring women. It just boggles the mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something tells me that OP would not tell her own parents not to come just because her ILs were there for 2 weeks.

If OPs parents were local, the in laws overseas, and she needed to cater to them beyond what the in laws require, something tells me she would ask them what she is asking of the in laws. That something is the rest of the context you omitted from your consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ILs sound lonely. I would let them come for a one-night stay or tell them that they are welcome to come but will need to stay in a hotel.

The OP sounds like she just doesn't like the ILs.

There is a difference between not liking a person and not liking how a person mistreats you and your family.

Anonymous wrote:They are your child's grandparents and one day you won't have to deal with any of this anymore!

Playing the "we'll be dead soon" manipulation card isn't a good look.

The IL's aren't playing the "we'll be dead soon" manipulation card - read it again. The PP is telling OP that she will not have to deal with them, nor their children's birthday parties soon enough!

[Anonymous]

OP needs to come define "catering to".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to come define "catering to".

I agree. Maybe the ILs don’t really require that much, but as the host OP feels to do a lot of things that they don’t expect or demand anyway. This is common in our household, for example. One of us feels that as the host you always have to do x, y or z and the other doesn’t — especially with family. OP wouldn’t be the first person to take things on on her own accord and then complain.

I think it’s pretty clearnwhat’s going on: OP just doesn’t want them around when her parents are visiting. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to come define "catering to".

I agree. Maybe the ILs don’t really require that much, but as the host OP feels to do a lot of things that they don’t expect or demand anyway. This is common in our household, for example. One of us feels that as the host you always have to do x, y or z and the other doesn’t — especially with family. OP wouldn’t be the first person to take things on on her own accord and then complain.

I think it’s pretty clearnwhat’s going on: OP just doesn’t want them around when her parents are visiting. That’s it.

OP is simply asking for the period "on or within a few days of her b-day" with her overseas parents. The rest is open for visit.

So what you said is not exactly "pretty clear". It's clear if you disregard the narrative and substitute it with a DIL-hating alternative, which is pretty clear what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ILs sound lonely. I would let them come for a one-night stay or tell them that they are welcome to come but will need to stay in a hotel.

The OP sounds like she just doesn't like the ILs.

There is a difference between not liking a person and not liking how a person mistreats you and your family.

Anonymous wrote:They are your child's grandparents and one day you won't have to deal with any of this anymore!

Playing the "we'll be dead soon" manipulation card isn't a good look.

Yeah lots of projection on this thread which explains some of the comments.

Lots of projection about who is projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to come define "catering to".

I agree. Maybe the ILs don’t really require that much, but as the host OP feels to do a lot of things that they don’t expect or demand anyway. This is common in our household, for example. One of us feels that as the host you always have to do x, y or z and the other doesn’t — especially with family. OP wouldn’t be the first person to take things on on her own accord and then complain.

I think it’s pretty clearnwhat’s going on: OP just doesn’t want them around when her parents are visiting. That’s it.

Even if your last sentence is true, is that so bad? They are seeing them for 2 weeks out of the whole year. They won't be at any other celebrations or holidays. I don't think this is a huge deal unless the kids or DH care about their presence. There are 52 other weeks in the year to visit.

My potential bias: my parents and ILs don't get along and can't be at anything together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to come define "catering to".

I agree. Maybe the ILs don’t really require that much, but as the host OP feels to do a lot of things that they don’t expect or demand anyway. This is common in our household, for example. One of us feels that as the host you always have to do x, y or z and the other doesn’t — especially with family. OP wouldn’t be the first person to take things on on her own accord and then complain.

I think it’s pretty clearnwhat’s going on: OP just doesn’t want them around when her parents are visiting. That’s it.

Even if your last sentence is true, is that so bad? They are seeing them for 2 weeks out of the whole year. They won't be at any other celebrations or holidays. I don't think this is a huge deal unless the kids or DH care about their presence. There are 52 other weeks in the year to visit.

My potential bias: my parents and ILs don't get along and can't be at anything together.

^50 weeks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to come define "catering to".

I agree. Maybe the ILs don’t really require that much, but as the host OP feels to do a lot of things that they don’t expect or demand anyway. This is common in our household, for example. One of us feels that as the host you always have to do x, y or z and the other doesn’t — especially with family. OP wouldn’t be the first person to take things on on her own accord and then complain.

I think it’s pretty clearnwhat’s going on: OP just doesn’t want them around when her parents are visiting. That’s it.

Even if your last sentence is true, is that so bad? They are seeing them for 2 weeks out of the whole year. They won't be at any other celebrations or holidays. I don't think this is a huge deal unless the kids or DH care about their presence. There are 52 other weeks in the year to visit.

My potential bias: my parents and ILs don't get along and can't be at anything together.

If that is the issue then OP can say so. My parents and ILs enjoy each other so it would be nice for everyone to be together. My out of state parents don't mind sharing their grandkids for a few hours with the local grandparents for grandkid bdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

The kids can choose what they do on their birthday but I am not turning away my parents or my inlaws who want to celebrate with them sometime the birthday week, whether that is at home or a restaurant. None of this is complicated or difficult nor should it cause drama.

DP that's fine for your situation.

OP should not be criticized for setting boundaries around high maintenance in-laws.

I am unclear how they are high maintenance. Again, wanting to celebrate a grandkid's bday is not HM.

It is HM if it dictates without mutual consideration how the parents have to spend their time, money, and energy. The parents already have visitors they are hosting. This is not a little kid’s birthday and one set of grandparents is getting left out. This is a once a year visit by extended family. The other grandparents can celebrate on a different day for this one time occasion. They very likely see the grandkids more frequently.

If I had to cater to every demand of my in-laws because they want to spend time with my kids, I would be hosting all the time and have no time alone with my kids and family. As parents, we are exhausted and don’t have to people please for everything. Loving and respectful family members understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find it obnoxious that the OP's ILs are insisting that they visit while OP's parents are there from another country?

The ILs are relatively local and presumably get to see their grandchildren far more often, birthdays or not, than the OP's parents do.
It's rude that they're insisting that they have to visit while OP's parents are there for such a limited time.

Yeah this is really bad. The in laws sound very greedy and self absorbed.