In-laws upset they can't visit ON grandchild's birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love how OP is making her kids relationship with grandparents about “my inlaws”. Telling on yourself there, OP.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, It seems like in-laws are happy to visit within a few days of the actual bday, which avoids the issue of taking attention away from the bday kid. Perhaps, they can come for pizza lunch and cake on the wknd after the bday - with expectation set that this would be very low key, bday kid will have other plans after lunch, and they would need to stay at a hotel if they decide to stay in town?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

Inviting everyone out to lunch or dinner the day before or day after depending on the kid's bday plans seems like a good non-dysfunctional family solution. Wanting to see grandkids for their birthday is not 'making it about themselves' or 'self-absorbed' either. It is normal family behavior.

Now, obviously if the schedule doesn't allow due to sports or other activities or whatever that is different.

[Anonymous]

“Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.”

This is a really weird toxic attitude but I’ve seen it before in a relative everyone has no contact with now. In our situation, the relative wanted a family day event to extend to a sleep over in the backyard. We declined and she pushed that the kids would come. Kids told us they 10000% did not want to so we declined. She pushed again and we told her politely the kids don’t want to sleep in the backyard. Her response was ‘why would it matter if the kids want to or not? I’m the elder, I get what I want! You aren’t raising them right.’ We were shocked, obviously didn’t give in.

OP’s in laws may have a milder variation of this. They do not care if the kid wants to spend their birthday doing what they want. In their opinion, others don’t matter. Just them and because they are older they should get what they want. They don’t care that other house guests are there. They want what they want.

All the other posters who suggest just telling them it won’t work , planning a different week and not worrying whether they get upset are correct. If they are reasonable people they may be disappointed but they will be fine. If they blow up, then you know you’ll need to start drawing back even more and bracing yourself for more toxic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

OMG, Linda, calm down. You’re going to have another stroke. Go have a second, mid-morning martini and have a nice lie-down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

Inviting everyone out to lunch or dinner the day before or day after depending on the kid's bday plans seems like a good non-dysfunctional family solution. Wanting to see grandkids for their birthday is not 'making it about themselves' or 'self-absorbed' either. It is normal family behavior.

Now, obviously if the schedule doesn't allow due to sports or other activities or whatever that is different.

There is a big difference between wanting to visit on a kids birthday and expecting to visit to the point you are angry if plans aren't adjusted to include you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

Inviting everyone out to lunch or dinner the day before or day after depending on the kid's bday plans seems like a good non-dysfunctional family solution. Wanting to see grandkids for their birthday is not 'making it about themselves' or 'self-absorbed' either. It is normal family behavior.

Now, obviously if the schedule doesn't allow due to sports or other activities or whatever that is different.

There is a big difference between wanting to visit on a kids birthday and expecting to visit to the point you are angry if plans aren't adjusted to include you.

I guess but at the same time I don't see how having her parents there precludes a short visit from the ILs unless they just don't get along and in that case it is a whole other issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

Inviting everyone out to lunch or dinner the day before or day after depending on the kid's bday plans seems like a good non-dysfunctional family solution. Wanting to see grandkids for their birthday is not 'making it about themselves' or 'self-absorbed' either. It is normal family behavior.

Now, obviously if the schedule doesn't allow due to sports or other activities or whatever that is different.

There is a big difference between wanting to visit on a kids birthday and expecting to visit to the point you are angry if plans aren't adjusted to include you.

I guess but at the same time I don't see how having her parents there precludes a short visit from the ILs unless they just don't get along and in that case it is a whole other issue.

NP. Do you see a “short visit” as them making a long drive (round trip “couple of hours away” driving); or staying overnight in a hotel; or staying overnight at OP’s house, when OP is already hosting overnight guests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
“Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.”

This is a really weird toxic attitude but I’ve seen it before in a relative everyone has no contact with now. In our situation, the relative wanted a family day event to extend to a sleep over in the backyard. We declined and she pushed that the kids would come. Kids told us they 10000% did not want to so we declined. She pushed again and we told her politely the kids don’t want to sleep in the backyard. Her response was ‘why would it matter if the kids want to or not? I’m the elder, I get what I want! You aren’t raising them right.’ We were shocked, obviously didn’t give in.

OP’s in laws may have a milder variation of this. They do not care if the kid wants to spend their birthday doing what they want. In their opinion, others don’t matter. Just them and because they are older they should get what they want. They don’t care that other house guests are there. They want what they want.

All the other posters who suggest just telling them it won’t work , planning a different week and not worrying whether they get upset are correct. If they are reasonable people they may be disappointed but they will be fine. If they blow up, then you know you’ll need to start drawing back even more and bracing yourself for more toxic behavior.

It’s not just a “relative” in this case. It’s the grandparents. And, yes, unless they’re horrible people who don’t treat their family well grandchildren should be raised and expected to respect them. There’s nothing “toxic” about wanting to be with your grandchildren on their birthday. What on earth happened to all you people that has turned you so nasty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

OMG, Linda, calm down. You’re going to have another stroke. Go have a second, mid-morning martini and have a nice lie-down.

You sound like a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

Inviting everyone out to lunch or dinner the day before or day after depending on the kid's bday plans seems like a good non-dysfunctional family solution. Wanting to see grandkids for their birthday is not 'making it about themselves' or 'self-absorbed' either. It is normal family behavior.

Now, obviously if the schedule doesn't allow due to sports or other activities or whatever that is different.

There is a big difference between wanting to visit on a kids birthday and expecting to visit to the point you are angry if plans aren't adjusted to include you.

OP never suggested for a minute that they’d be angry. She said hurt. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

Have another liter of Chardonnay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

Inviting everyone out to lunch or dinner the day before or day after depending on the kid's bday plans seems like a good non-dysfunctional family solution. Wanting to see grandkids for their birthday is not 'making it about themselves' or 'self-absorbed' either. It is normal family behavior.

Now, obviously if the schedule doesn't allow due to sports or other activities or whatever that is different.

There is a big difference between wanting to visit on a kids birthday and expecting to visit to the point you are angry if plans aren't adjusted to include you.

OP never suggested for a minute that they’d be angry. She said hurt. Big difference.

Sigh she said very upset. If you invite yourself somewhere and the target host says no that won’t work for whatever reason, you need to keep your ire to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

Inviting everyone out to lunch or dinner the day before or day after depending on the kid's bday plans seems like a good non-dysfunctional family solution. Wanting to see grandkids for their birthday is not 'making it about themselves' or 'self-absorbed' either. It is normal family behavior.

Now, obviously if the schedule doesn't allow due to sports or other activities or whatever that is different.

That seems pretty standard. We've always celebrated each kid's birthday on the closest weekend, rather than the exact day. Between school, homework, ECs/sports, and adult work schedules, there's no reasonable way to fit in a party or even a grandparent drop in on a weekday. My in-laws live a 10 minute drive away, and we all get along wonderfully. We carve out time for a family party on one of the weekends. They're not so insecure that they need to see the kids on their actual birthday or attend the party with the kids' friends.

OP should offer the ILs time on the weekend before or after for a family birthday party. It's not that complicated.