What first made you suspicious that your spouse was having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And many of these women chose to stay with these men.....I never cheated, never financially answer my ex wife, was a full 50% partner throughout our marriage and get she divorced me. My crime was that I was mostly working and was not emotionally supportive enough. Yet when I was around we still had sex, went on dates etc...

Some of the sh***t that these men put their wives through and still get second chances to me just show that it's very hard to know exactly what makes a woman finally leave.

I’m a long time reader of this forum and many of these women describe their husbands as “perfect” pre-affair.

My theory is that these men are living their life as a performance and they press down all their negative emotions until they come out in this explosive way- an affair, a mid life crisis, walking out. But their wives were deeply in love with that sweet, generous performance and will forgive it. I’ve seen this play out in real life.

A lot of these men compartmentalize in a way that healthy, otherwise imperfect people don’t. But spouses don’t appreciate that. I hope you find someone who appreciates you pp. I’m sure your wife will realize she lost a good partner.

Whoa. This feels like what I’m living right now. But I’m wrestling with how he played the role of doting husband for so long… and just WHY? I honestly believed he was happy with family life. I would never want someone to perform for me like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And many of these women chose to stay with these men.....I never cheated, never financially answer my ex wife, was a full 50% partner throughout our marriage and get she divorced me. My crime was that I was mostly working and was not emotionally supportive enough. Yet when I was around we still had sex, went on dates etc...

Some of the sh***t that these men put their wives through and still get second chances to me just show that it's very hard to know exactly what makes a woman finally leave.

I’m a long time reader of this forum and many of these women describe their husbands as “perfect” pre-affair.

My theory is that these men are living their life as a performance and they press down all their negative emotions until they come out in this explosive way- an affair, a mid life crisis, walking out. But their wives were deeply in love with that sweet, generous performance and will forgive it. I’ve seen this play out in real life.

A lot of these men compartmentalize in a way that healthy, otherwise imperfect people don’t. But spouses don’t appreciate that. I hope you find someone who appreciates you pp. I’m sure your wife will realize she lost a good partner.

Whoa. This feels like what I’m living right now. But I’m wrestling with how he played the role of doting husband for so long… and just WHY? I honestly believed he was happy with family life. I would never want someone to perform for me like that.

[speculation, I am not a mental health professional]. Your husband never learned how to cope and resolve conflicts in a healthy way. He never learned how to express his negative emotions to you, so he just pressed them down and left his needs unfulfilled until he was filled with resentment and regret and internally blamed you for a lot of it.

Then someone came along who made him feel seen, made him feel sexy, and that dopamine rush was like a drug to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And many of these women chose to stay with these men.....I never cheated, never financially answer my ex wife, was a full 50% partner throughout our marriage and get she divorced me. My crime was that I was mostly working and was not emotionally supportive enough. Yet when I was around we still had sex, went on dates etc...

Some of the sh***t that these men put their wives through and still get second chances to me just show that it's very hard to know exactly what makes a woman finally leave.

I’m a long time reader of this forum and many of these women describe their husbands as “perfect” pre-affair.

My theory is that these men are living their life as a performance and they press down all their negative emotions until they come out in this explosive way- an affair, a mid life crisis, walking out. But their wives were deeply in love with that sweet, generous performance and will forgive it. I’ve seen this play out in real life.

A lot of these men compartmentalize in a way that healthy, otherwise imperfect people don’t. But spouses don’t appreciate that. I hope you find someone who appreciates you pp. I’m sure your wife will realize she lost a good partner.

I was not happy with my dh at all. We were completely disconnected. Once I decided to face my alcohol addiction two things happened. 1. I started to see clearly that which I had been ignoring for a very long time 2. He said my getting sober changed me and therefore he wanted out. I feel like I won the jackpot when I got sober and was able to see that I did not want to be married to this person anymore. His subsequent behavior confirms that I am so lucky to have him gone. But for years it was a lot easier to drink a lot of wine than face the fact that I was married to someone who was flagrantly unfaithful...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First clue was Find my showed him at an apartment when he was supposed to be somewhere else but he proceeded to gaslight me and I believed him. Then came the STD and looking back many of the things already described (always putting phone face down, suddenly angry over nothing, improved dressing, working out, focusing on looks).

I saw my ex on Find My at his AP's apartment at 11 pm, only 2 days before I gave birth. He claimed he was helping her move furniture. It takes a certain kind of sociopath to leave an 8-month pregnant wife for an AP. A week after I got home from the hospital, police stopped by looking for him at 7 pm because someone had reported him for harassment, and he wasn't home. The cop didn't believe me when I said he wasn't home - what kind of man isn't home with his wife and newborn at 7 pm? It still took me another 6 months to get enough conviction to start talking about what was going on with a therapist and my parents, and then another 6 months to file.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First clue was Find my showed him at an apartment when he was supposed to be somewhere else but he proceeded to gaslight me and I believed him. Then came the STD and looking back many of the things already described (always putting phone face down, suddenly angry over nothing, improved dressing, working out, focusing on looks).

I saw my ex on Find My at his AP's apartment at 11 pm, only 2 days before I gave birth. He claimed he was helping her move furniture. It takes a certain kind of sociopath to leave an 8-month pregnant wife for an AP. A week after I got home from the hospital, police stopped by looking for him at 7 pm because someone had reported him for harassment, and he wasn't home. The cop didn't believe me when I said he wasn't home - what kind of man isn't home with his wife and newborn at 7 pm? It still took me another 6 months to get enough conviction to start talking about what was going on with a therapist and my parents, and then another 6 months to file.

Mine begged me to have a second baby a year earlier than we had planned/than I wanted to. We had a long deep convo about it and he seemed so genuinely excited for another that I thought about it and agreed. Turns out his affair started 2 months before he came to me begging for another baby, lasted all of my pregnancy, postpartum, and I found out when my little one was 1 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A number of little out of character things. More attention to appearance. Car washing increased. No longer wanted car seat left in the car. "working" more

This whole thread is heartbreaking but this line really made me sad. 😔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And many of these women chose to stay with these men.....I never cheated, never financially answer my ex wife, was a full 50% partner throughout our marriage and get she divorced me. My crime was that I was mostly working and was not emotionally supportive enough. Yet when I was around we still had sex, went on dates etc...

Some of the sh***t that these men put their wives through and still get second chances to me just show that it's very hard to know exactly what makes a woman finally leave.

I’m a long time reader of this forum and many of these women describe their husbands as “perfect” pre-affair.

My theory is that these men are living their life as a performance and they press down all their negative emotions until they come out in this explosive way- an affair, a mid life crisis, walking out. But their wives were deeply in love with that sweet, generous performance and will forgive it. I’ve seen this play out in real life.

A lot of these men compartmentalize in a way that healthy, otherwise imperfect people don’t. But spouses don’t appreciate that. I hope you find someone who appreciates you pp. I’m sure your wife will realize she lost a good partner.

Whoa. This feels like what I’m living right now. But I’m wrestling with how he played the role of doting husband for so long… and just WHY? I honestly believed he was happy with family life. I would never want someone to perform for me like that.

Because he’s not mentally healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

Well…he was doing it with a married woman so she was doing the same. Most of these guys are doing it with other married women

Why would a married woman unhappy in her marriage opt for another married men?

Exit affair. They can’t get a good guy who is single because they are now middle aged and guys that don’t want to leave their wives can pretend they do to bang them. They think married men are safe to cheat with and vice versa because they both have something to lose by getting caught. They “think” it weeds out psychos. Ha!!!! Only mentally ill people carry out affairs - bpd, narcissists, histrionics, alcoholics, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

Well…he was doing it with a married woman so she was doing the same. Most of these guys are doing it with other married women

Why would a married woman unhappy in her marriage opt for another married men?

Exit affair. They can’t get a good guy who is single because they are now middle aged and guys that don’t want to leave their wives can pretend they do to bang them. They think married men are safe to cheat with and vice versa because they both have something to lose by getting caught. They “think” it weeds out psychos. Ha!!!! Only mentally ill people carry out affairs - bpd, narcissists, histrionics, alcoholics, etc

+1 they bond over saying they are unhappy in their marriages. They both think it’s not them. They both can put on a great act since they aren’t living together 24/7 but only seeing the manufactured version

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First clue was Find my showed him at an apartment when he was supposed to be somewhere else but he proceeded to gaslight me and I believed him. Then came the STD and looking back many of the things already described (always putting phone face down, suddenly angry over nothing, improved dressing, working out, focusing on looks).

I saw my ex on Find My at his AP's apartment at 11 pm, only 2 days before I gave birth. He claimed he was helping her move furniture. It takes a certain kind of sociopath to leave an 8-month pregnant wife for an AP. A week after I got home from the hospital, police stopped by looking for him at 7 pm because someone had reported him for harassment, and he wasn't home. The cop didn't believe me when I said he wasn't home - what kind of man isn't home with his wife and newborn at 7 pm? It still took me another 6 months to get enough conviction to start talking about what was going on with a therapist and my parents, and then another 6 months to file.

Mine begged me to have a second baby a year earlier than we had planned/than I wanted to. We had a long deep convo about it and he seemed so genuinely excited for another that I thought about it and agreed. Turns out his affair started 2 months before he came to me begging for another baby, lasted all of my pregnancy, postpartum, and I found out when my little one was 1 year old.

So why did he push for the second kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First clue was Find my showed him at an apartment when he was supposed to be somewhere else but he proceeded to gaslight me and I believed him. Then came the STD and looking back many of the things already described (always putting phone face down, suddenly angry over nothing, improved dressing, working out, focusing on looks).

I saw my ex on Find My at his AP's apartment at 11 pm, only 2 days before I gave birth. He claimed he was helping her move furniture. It takes a certain kind of sociopath to leave an 8-month pregnant wife for an AP. A week after I got home from the hospital, police stopped by looking for him at 7 pm because someone had reported him for harassment, and he wasn't home. The cop didn't believe me when I said he wasn't home - what kind of man isn't home with his wife and newborn at 7 pm? It still took me another 6 months to get enough conviction to start talking about what was going on with a therapist and my parents, and then another 6 months to file.

Mine begged me to have a second baby a year earlier than we had planned/than I wanted to. We had a long deep convo about it and he seemed so genuinely excited for another that I thought about it and agreed. Turns out his affair started 2 months before he came to me begging for another baby, lasted all of my pregnancy, postpartum, and I found out when my little one was 1 year old.

Uggh. I think this is the worst story I've heard. How utterly broken some people are.

I do think a lot of men and some women are performative to others and maybe to themselves as well. More men I think because they have more interest in power seeking and dont have the same need for honesty with the vulnerable such as the elderly and children. I think men are performative as a way of seeking power. I've known so many people like this, men and women. Even happily married ones. I don't know why some people are able to accept themselves amd others in full and be truthful and others it seems like an impossible task and they'd rather just play act to get what they want and never stand for anything. Someone once wrote a book called People of the Lie. What makes one person truthful and forthright and another dishonest and manipulative? It's still a mystery to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO many of these! The weird work schedule, the irritability, covering his tracks administratively (hiding the phone bill, opening a secret bank account.) I feel like being secretive with his phone is universal. Anyone seeing that should be concerned.

But one I haven't seen here is new sex tricks. I had been his first, and we'd been together 15 years, and he hated porn. When he started doing something new in bed, my hackles went up. Yeah, she told him something she liked, and he brought it straight home and tried it on me. Vile.

WTAF??!? I have NO words. I hope you kicked this pathetic sicko to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Found a mix CD with somebody else's handwriting on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

Well…he was doing it with a married woman so she was doing the same. Most of these guys are doing it with other married women

Why would a married woman unhappy in her marriage opt for another married men?

Less pressure and possibility for actual commitment so they can pretend it won’t have long term consequence. They have a “similar story” to P It makes what they’re doing feel less shameful because the other person is in the same boat, which both makes it feel more safe and thrilling. They’re both being picked over another spouse and picking someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First clue was Find my showed him at an apartment when he was supposed to be somewhere else but he proceeded to gaslight me and I believed him. Then came the STD and looking back many of the things already described (always putting phone face down, suddenly angry over nothing, improved dressing, working out, focusing on looks).

I saw my ex on Find My at his AP's apartment at 11 pm, only 2 days before I gave birth. He claimed he was helping her move furniture. It takes a certain kind of sociopath to leave an 8-month pregnant wife for an AP. A week after I got home from the hospital, police stopped by looking for him at 7 pm because someone had reported him for harassment, and he wasn't home. The cop didn't believe me when I said he wasn't home - what kind of man isn't home with his wife and newborn at 7 pm? It still took me another 6 months to get enough conviction to start talking about what was going on with a therapist and my parents, and then another 6 months to file.

Mine begged me to have a second baby a year earlier than we had planned/than I wanted to. We had a long deep convo about it and he seemed so genuinely excited for another that I thought about it and agreed. Turns out his affair started 2 months before he came to me begging for another baby, lasted all of my pregnancy, postpartum, and I found out when my little one was 1 year old.

Uggh. I think this is the worst story I've heard. How utterly broken some people are.

I do think a lot of men and some women are performative to others and maybe to themselves as well. More men I think because they have more interest in power seeking and dont have the same need for honesty with the vulnerable such as the elderly and children. I think men are performative as a way of seeking power. I've known so many people like this, men and women. Even happily married ones. I don't know why some people are able to accept themselves amd others in full and be truthful and others it seems like an impossible task and they'd rather just play act to get what they want and never stand for anything. Someone once wrote a book called People of the Lie. What makes one person truthful and forthright and another dishonest and manipulative? It's still a mystery to me.

Yep. My ex got a thrill getting another guy’s wife who he actually gave 2 sh@ts about tell him that she loved him. It was a power/validation thing. He was cruel when he dumped her. A lot of fkd up childhoods and act out in their secret lives. But as another pp said- nobody who is a cheater in a marriage is a mentally healthy person.