What first made you suspicious that your spouse was having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and walking behind me or in front of me.
wouldn't hold hands anymore
setting me up to fail and being unappreciative
stopping eating what I made for dinner
he felt empty when I gave him a hug

That's ASD.

[Anonymous]

Letter in the mail from his cell phone carrier (which was also our home phone/internet carrier so I opened it) confirming his order to change to online billing only. So of course I looked online to see why and they were on the phone ALL DAY except oddly, for about an hour or so over lunch time each day. Hmmmmm

[Anonymous]

Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

[Anonymous]

He came home from work and kissed me hello and his face smelled like..... you know what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

Turns out my ex has traits that could be defined as sociopathic by a professional. I'm not a professional, however. It is chilling. There is no humanity and there are no ethics. Accepting this about them makes it easier to move forward as does working with a therapist to understand the part of you that was drawn to this kind of person in the beginning. I'm grateful every day that it's over. And grateful I have the opportunity to look at my part so I don't repeat that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was when he started ordering Espresso Martinis. I thought "Christ, what next, Cosmos?" They were so so out of character for him. And then there were a million other little signs and I was correct about the affair but the Espresso Martini really gave me pause. I've read that narcissists (which he likely is) often mirror the person they are fixated on. His AP is definitely an Espresso Martini girl.

Finding clothing in the trunk of his car and other places that didn’t belong to me. A winter coat, small sized women’s gloves….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

So after the dating period is over, you are no longer paying attention to personal hygiene?
It's sad that buying new underwear, primping, paying attention to personal hygiene are signs of cheating for many on this board.
If you are living in relationships where these basic things were no longer normal, your relationship was already bad and doomed anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was when he started ordering Espresso Martinis. I thought "Christ, what next, Cosmos?" They were so so out of character for him. And then there were a million other little signs and I was correct about the affair but the Espresso Martini really gave me pause. I've read that narcissists (which he likely is) often mirror the person they are fixated on. His AP is definitely an Espresso Martini girl.

Finding clothing in the trunk of his car and other places that didn’t belong to me. A winter coat, small sized women’s gloves….

Come to think of it I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that were not mine and were not familiar to me as belonging to my teen dd. I didn't think too long and hard about that - could have belonged to one of dd's friends, but he left so many f%$#ing clues once I made a mental note about that ridiculous basic b%tch cocktail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

For many of them, they ARE daring. New drinks, new underwear, clean car, clean life. And then they blame it all on the person barely holding it together at home. And the APs believe it. This is not unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was when he started ordering Espresso Martinis. I thought "Christ, what next, Cosmos?" They were so so out of character for him. And then there were a million other little signs and I was correct about the affair but the Espresso Martini really gave me pause. I've read that narcissists (which he likely is) often mirror the person they are fixated on. His AP is definitely an Espresso Martini girl.

Finding clothing in the trunk of his car and other places that didn’t belong to me. A winter coat, small sized women’s gloves….

Come to think of it I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that were not mine and were not familiar to me as belonging to my teen dd. I didn't think too long and hard about that - could have belonged to one of dd's friends, but he left so many f%$#ing clues once I made a mental note about that ridiculous basic b%tch cocktail.

I'm in a fairly new relationship (not cheating) with a woman who has ordered that before. Neither of us drinks very often mostly do to responsibilities and habit, and it was for an occasion. What's wrong with it?

[Anonymous]

SO many of these! The weird work schedule, the irritability, covering his tracks administratively (hiding the phone bill, opening a secret bank account.) I feel like being secretive with his phone is universal. Anyone seeing that should be concerned.

But one I haven't seen here is new sex tricks. I had been his first, and we'd been together 15 years, and he hated porn. When he started doing something new in bed, my hackles went up. Yeah, she told him something she liked, and he brought it straight home and tried it on me. Vile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO many of these! The weird work schedule, the irritability, covering his tracks administratively (hiding the phone bill, opening a secret bank account.) I feel like being secretive with his phone is universal. Anyone seeing that should be concerned.

But one I haven't seen here is new sex tricks. I had been his first, and we'd been together 15 years, and he hated porn. When he started doing something new in bed, my hackles went up. Yeah, she told him something she liked, and he brought it straight home and tried it on me. Vile.

That happened to me once and it was so gross I never had sex with him again. In hindsight that was the moment I should have filed for divorce. But I'm free now, THANK GOD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO many of these! The weird work schedule, the irritability, covering his tracks administratively (hiding the phone bill, opening a secret bank account.) I feel like being secretive with his phone is universal. Anyone seeing that should be concerned.

But one I haven't seen here is new sex tricks. I had been his first, and we'd been together 15 years, and he hated porn. When he started doing something new in bed, my hackles went up. Yeah, she told him something she liked, and he brought it straight home and tried it on me. Vile.

😩😩😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

So after the dating period is over, you are no longer paying attention to personal hygiene?
It's sad that buying new underwear, primping, paying attention to personal hygiene are signs of cheating for many on this board.
If you are living in relationships where these basic things were no longer normal, your relationship was already bad and doomed anyway.

Yeah, I started paying more attention to hygiene and buying new underwear and clothes after 2 years of Covid and when my kids were a little older. I needed to get back to myself. Hope DH wasn’t suspicious 😆

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading these stories just makes me ill. The description of these men primping, buying new underwear, paying meticulous attention to personal hygiene, etc. This is what you do when you’re dating. How on earth can men with wives and families and homes live in that environment and still have the temerity to court a new woman? Like where is their humanity and ethics? This isn’t getting drunk at a bar on a business trip and messing up. This is getting ready for a date in your own home while your wife is in the next room, probably feeding your kids dinner. It’s chillingly sociopathic.

Turns out my ex has traits that could be defined as sociopathic by a professional. I'm not a professional, however. It is chilling. There is no humanity and there are no ethics. Accepting this about them makes it easier to move forward as does working with a therapist to understand the part of you that was drawn to this kind of person in the beginning. I'm grateful every day that it's over. And grateful I have the opportunity to look at my part so I don't repeat that again.

I think it's fair to say that people who are dating outside of a good enough marriage with kids at home and regular intimacy are sociopaths. All you can do is understand, leave, and move forward.