What first made you suspicious that your spouse was having an affair?

[Anonymous]

He went from wearing jeans and flannels for 20 years to wearing Fabletics and Vurori.

My calm, goofy husband essentially died and we lived with someone who looked just like him, but was mean, short tempered, and unreliable.

Started working late in the basement. Turns out that was video sex in his office. I felt so bad he was so overwhelmed with work that I would make snacks and cups of tea and leave them outside his office or slip loving, encouraging notes under his door, ugh.

Started drinking more. A drink after work hours to "take the edge off" (aka assuage the guilt) when we have never really even had alcohol in the house previously.

Withdrew almost completely from us, his family of origin, and his lifelong best friends (one who lives next door).

[Anonymous]

You should search this forum.... lots of posts already about the signs etc.

[Anonymous]

Reading some of these I am worried for my friend.

However, if it were happening, I wouldn’t be that worried for her.. He’s typically a jerk. Not that I want their lives changed, but if he continues acting this way, I don’t want her to be broken by it.

[Anonymous]

Over months there were dozens of selfies showing up on iPhoto, some had seductive facial expressions.
A high percentage of the selfies were not sent to me, looked in deleted items and found the jackpot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was when he started ordering Espresso Martinis. I thought "Christ, what next, Cosmos?" They were so so out of character for him. And then there were a million other little signs and I was correct about the affair but the Espresso Martini really gave me pause. I've read that narcissists (which he likely is) often mirror the person they are fixated on. His AP is definitely an Espresso Martini girl.

Yep this. I suddenly felt like I was hanging out with a girl with limited life experience around my Ex. He got into Pilates. LOL.

Yes that is exactly who his AP is, which makes sense. One of the reasons he said he could no longer be married to me was that our backgrounds were way too different. Kind of sad and pathetic it took him more than 20 years to figure that out but he has gone back to his roots!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over months there were dozens of selfies showing up on iPhoto, some had seductive facial expressions.
A high percentage of the selfies were not sent to me, looked in deleted items and found the jackpot.

Eww

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He went from wearing jeans and flannels for 20 years to wearing Fabletics and Vurori.

My calm, goofy husband essentially died and we lived with someone who looked just like him, but was mean, short tempered, and unreliable.

Started working late in the basement. Turns out that was video sex in his office. I felt so bad he was so overwhelmed with work that I would make snacks and cups of tea and leave them outside his office or slip loving, encouraging notes under his door, ugh.

Started drinking more. A drink after work hours to "take the edge off" (aka assuage the guilt) when we have never really even had alcohol in the house previously.

Withdrew almost completely from us, his family of origin, and his lifelong best friends (one who lives next door).

Snort. Normally people trying to dress to impress have better taste in clothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over months there were dozens of selfies showing up on iPhoto, some had seductive facial expressions.
A high percentage of the selfies were not sent to me, looked in deleted items and found the jackpot.

It's amazing how many wayward spouses forget about the cloud. That's how I caught my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He went from wearing jeans and flannels for 20 years to wearing Fabletics and Vurori.

My calm, goofy husband essentially died and we lived with someone who looked just like him, but was mean, short tempered, and unreliable.

Started working late in the basement. Turns out that was video sex in his office. I felt so bad he was so overwhelmed with work that I would make snacks and cups of tea and leave them outside his office or slip loving, encouraging notes under his door, ugh.

Started drinking more. A drink after work hours to "take the edge off" (aka assuage the guilt) when we have never really even had alcohol in the house previously.

Withdrew almost completely from us, his family of origin, and his lifelong best friends (one who lives next door).

Snort. Normally people trying to dress to impress have better taste in clothing.

AP was really into yoga and barre classes

[Anonymous]

We’d been using Life 360 for years mostly to be able to get a handle on the time we’d both get home from work. Neither of us liked to talk while driving. Then I noticed her Life 360 was off and I’d mention it and she’d turn it back on but then it would be off again and the excuses got lamer. There were other signs and behaviors but that was the first real trigger. It turned out she was banging some guy at work at some motel near her office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He went from wearing jeans and flannels for 20 years to wearing Fabletics and Vurori.

My calm, goofy husband essentially died and we lived with someone who looked just like him, but was mean, short tempered, and unreliable.

Started working late in the basement. Turns out that was video sex in his office. I felt so bad he was so overwhelmed with work that I would make snacks and cups of tea and leave them outside his office or slip loving, encouraging notes under his door, ugh.

Started drinking more. A drink after work hours to "take the edge off" (aka assuage the guilt) when we have never really even had alcohol in the house previously.

Withdrew almost completely from us, his family of origin, and his lifelong best friends (one who lives next door).

Snort. Normally people trying to dress to impress have better taste in clothing.

My guess is the AP wore those brands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He went from wearing jeans and flannels for 20 years to wearing Fabletics and Vurori.

My calm, goofy husband essentially died and we lived with someone who looked just like him, but was mean, short tempered, and unreliable.

Started working late in the basement. Turns out that was video sex in his office. I felt so bad he was so overwhelmed with work that I would make snacks and cups of tea and leave them outside his office or slip loving, encouraging notes under his door, ugh.

Started drinking more. A drink after work hours to "take the edge off" (aka assuage the guilt) when we have never really even had alcohol in the house previously.

Withdrew almost completely from us, his family of origin, and his lifelong best friends (one who lives next door).

Snort. Normally people trying to dress to impress have better taste in clothing.

My guess is the AP wore those brands.

DP. Yep exactly. They start dressing 20 years younger and like girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He went from wearing jeans and flannels for 20 years to wearing Fabletics and Vurori.

My calm, goofy husband essentially died and we lived with someone who looked just like him, but was mean, short tempered, and unreliable.

Started working late in the basement. Turns out that was video sex in his office. I felt so bad he was so overwhelmed with work that I would make snacks and cups of tea and leave them outside his office or slip loving, encouraging notes under his door, ugh.

Started drinking more. A drink after work hours to "take the edge off" (aka assuage the guilt) when we have never really even had alcohol in the house previously.

Withdrew almost completely from us, his family of origin, and his lifelong best friends (one who lives next door).

I’m going through the early stages of this now. What ended up happening? I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He cleaned his car.

+1

Meticulous about car. Drinking different wines from regions he previously disliked. Forever on his phone at odd hours “for work”. Always putting his phone face down and something on top of his iPad when he left the room. Weird work hours. Being sketchy about details. “Visiting his parents” more often. Having more executive visits at work so he’d have to work days off. Generally cranky and disengaged at home. Taking no pride in the house we had just moved into - it needed paint, etc. but he didn’t care. Not wanting friends to come over. Being mean and snappy and contemptuous towards me out of the blue. Taking pictures of things our DD had done (like painted his toes) that he never would have before, presumed to share with his AP.

So many things. He literally was a walking “AFFAIR!!” Neon sign.

Oh my goodness. How did you even cope with that. Knowing how my stbx portrays our kids to AP is a next level form of betrayal. It just feels really sick.

[Anonymous]

He wasn't able to have erections. I thought he just reached that time and needed Viagra. Instead he was just having regular sex with his AP often on the same days we would attempt to have sex together.