Reply to What first made you suspicious that your spouse was having an affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]And many of these women chose to stay with these men.....I never cheated, never financially answer my ex wife, was a full 50% partner throughout our marriage and get she divorced me. My crime was that I was mostly working and was not emotionally supportive enough. Yet when I was around we still had sex, went on dates etc...

Some of the sh***t that these men put their wives through and still get second chances to me just show that it's very hard to know exactly what makes a woman finally leave. [/quote]

I’m a long time reader of this forum and many of these women describe their husbands as “perfect” pre-affair.

[b]My theory is that these men are living their life as a performance and they press down all their negative emotions until they come out in this explosive way- an affair, a mid life crisis, walking out.  But their wives were deeply in love with that sweet, generous performance and will forgive it.  I’ve seen this play out in real life.[/b]

A lot of these men compartmentalize in a way that healthy, otherwise imperfect people don’t.  But spouses don’t appreciate that.  I hope you find someone who appreciates you pp.  I’m sure your wife will realize she lost a good partner.[/quote]

Whoa. This feels like what I’m living right now. But I’m wrestling with how he played the role of doting husband for so long… and just WHY? I honestly believed he was happy with family life. I would never want someone to perform for me like that. [/quote]

[speculation, I am not a mental health professional].  Your husband never learned how to cope and resolve conflicts in a healthy way.  He never learned how to express his negative emotions to you, so he just pressed them down and left his needs unfulfilled until he was filled with resentment and regret and internally blamed you for a lot of it.

Then someone came along who made him feel seen, made him feel sexy, and that dopamine rush was like a drug to him.  [/quote]

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