Caught DH cheating…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to respond, especially the very lengthy and helpful responses from women going through something similar. I will start figuring out how to get an attorney and find the $$ to pay for it. It is hard to hear that his deceit will mean nothing in our divorce. My primary concern is getting as much custody as I can. I want DCs to have a good relationship with their father but he is largely absent as a dad, always has been, and apparently has been using his frequent business travel as an opportunity to cheat w various women. He is the type that will insist on 50-50 custody for appearances sake but he has no real interest in taking care of young children and will farm them out to a nanny or worse.

In this case, write the "right of first refusal" into your custody plan. This means that when he is unavailable to care for them, you get them if you are willing and available. And you can keep track of how often he can't care for them on his time, and go back and ask for an adjustment to the custody schedule.

But as I said before (I'm "novel" lady), I framed it as being better for my STBX to have less time. And he's struggling even with 43% of the time. When we set it up, I said, "Are you sure you want every Wednesday and Thursday? You like to go out a lot on those nights" and he literally cried and promised that he would plan his things for other nights.

Well our kid just texted needing a ride to something next Thursday and he has a conflict. He only has them two nights next week. This is who he is. He feels that the kids are his priority. But his actions never say that.

New poster. 100% agree with the PP. Absolutely insist on ROFR if he's the type to demand time but then flake. That way they can't get dumped on someone else without your consent. I was a SAHM and XH worked long hours (turns out he worked with AP) so I have 90% custody and we didn't go to court – he just said he was too busy from the outset. Even when his circumstances changed, he never asked for more time. Like PP's situation, XH claims the kids are a top priority, but his actions say otherwise. Even when he is with them, he's totally checked out and texting with AP according to the kids. I don't ever ask for details, but they come home frustrated and vent about it. Luckily, my kids are teens, so they don't need a lot of close watching/entertaining, but it makes me so sad that he voluntarily opted to play such a small role in their lives.

I'm sorry, OP. I still struggle with the fact that his cheating/betrayal means nothing to anyone but me. There is zero justice when it comes to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to respond, especially the very lengthy and helpful responses from women going through something similar. I will start figuring out how to get an attorney and find the $$ to pay for it. It is hard to hear that his deceit will mean nothing in our divorce. My primary concern is getting as much custody as I can. I want DCs to have a good relationship with their father but he is largely absent as a dad, always has been, and apparently has been using his frequent business travel as an opportunity to cheat w various women. He is the type that will insist on 50-50 custody for appearances sake but he has no real interest in taking care of young children and will farm them out to a nanny or worse.

In this case, write the "right of first refusal" into your custody plan. This means that when he is unavailable to care for them, you get them if you are willing and available. And you can keep track of how often he can't care for them on his time, and go back and ask for an adjustment to the custody schedule.

But as I said before (I'm "novel" lady), I framed it as being better for my STBX to have less time. And he's struggling even with 43% of the time. When we set it up, I said, "Are you sure you want every Wednesday and Thursday? You like to go out a lot on those nights" and he literally cried and promised that he would plan his things for other nights.

Well our kid just texted needing a ride to something next Thursday and he has a conflict. He only has them two nights next week. This is who he is. He feels that the kids are his priority. But his actions never say that.

New poster. 100% agree with the PP. Absolutely insist on ROFR if he's the type to demand time but then flake. That way they can't get dumped on someone else without your consent. I was a SAHM and XH worked long hours (turns out he worked with AP) so I have 90% custody and we didn't go to court – he just said he was too busy from the outset. Even when his circumstances changed, he never asked for more time. Like PP's situation, XH claims the kids are a top priority, but his actions say otherwise. Even when he is with them, he's totally checked out and texting with AP according to the kids. I don't ever ask for details, but they come home frustrated and vent about it. Luckily, my kids are teens, so they don't need a lot of close watching/entertaining, but it makes me so sad that he voluntarily opted to play such a small role in their lives.

I'm sorry, OP. I still struggle with the fact that his cheating/betrayal means nothing to anyone but me. There is zero justice when it comes to that.

Hey PP, I'm "novel lady." Just wanted to give you and OP big hugs. It does matter. It's a trauma. It's completely unacceptable. No one has the right to take your reality or your bodily autonomy away. You don't want to be here with me? That's fine! But you don't get to secretly change the terms of our partnership.

I do believe there's justice, though. There's justice because his life is small and transactional. There's justice because you are released from someone who doesn't deserve you. I may have shared the story that last weekend STBX shared his location with me and the kids while he was in the woods "just in case." My kids DGAF. I certainly DGAF (I mean, he has a whole girlfriend for this, I have no idea what he was thinking). We watched a movie. We got in my bed and we played Jackbox games together. (They're in 7th and 9th grades, and when they're with him they just go to their rooms, but they WANT to spend time with me.) We were happy as clams. Nobody thought about the loser who left or wondered where he was. That's his justice. He may never put his finger on why he feels left out or uneasy or unsatisfied. He may blame external things his whole life. And he's the one who pays the price for that. I'm done paying the price for his lack of self-awareness and empathy. I'm free.

I wish freedom for all of us. <3

You do have to grieve. Grief is love with nowhere to go. And then, suddenly, you realize that the love is gone. It's turned into indifference, and cordiality, and vague amusement. Maybe it's because I was cheated on twice, so I lived with the unhealed trauma for ten years, but at this point I'm just glad that he is no longer a constant threat to my sense of safety. I'm not sleeping with one eye open anymore. I did the work to heal and forgive and understand myself, but he didn't. He could barely read a PDF on how to help me heal. And now he can't read Conscious Uncoupling or Cooperative Coparenting for Secure Kids. That's who he is. He was never going to be a safe partner. And I can let my nervous system rest now. My kids have one secure parent, and that's OK; that's enough.

We're going to be OK.

[Anonymous]

Novel Lady, this is PP a page or two back (Reader Lady). I’m going to save these posts to come back to when I’m having a hard day. My kids are much younger right now but what you describe above with your kids and you is the outcome I’m hoping for when all the dust settles. (And some of your descriptions of your ex sound exactly like my soon-to-be…). Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to respond, especially the very lengthy and helpful responses from women going through something similar. I will start figuring out how to get an attorney and find the $$ to pay for it. It is hard to hear that his deceit will mean nothing in our divorce. My primary concern is getting as much custody as I can. I want DCs to have a good relationship with their father but he is largely absent as a dad, always has been, and apparently has been using his frequent business travel as an opportunity to cheat w various women. He is the type that will insist on 50-50 custody for appearances sake but he has no real interest in taking care of young children and will farm them out to a nanny or worse.

OP, you are 100% right for feeling this way BUT it will serve you best to let it go. I would get into therapy if you're not already. Your OP is very strong and assertive but you're likely going to experience a whole lot of lows over the next several years (and maybe forever). A professional would be able to help you with that.

I didn't have kids with my ex but I had to pay him alimony because I out-earned him. He did NOTHING to help me earn that money - I went to grad school, I paid for all of my education, I put in the work, and he sat on the couch (which is why I divorced him). I even cleaned the house, cooked, and took care of the dog. And yet I still had to pay him because that was the law. Being angry about it didn't change the outcome, so I refused to let it hold me back. I hope you can do the same.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I hope you have good friends and family you can lean on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a lawyer before you do anything. And start mapping out your "get away plan".

I love when people say get a lawyer without having any financial information.

You wouldn’t tell someone run out to buy a new car or absolutely take public transportation. Without knowing a lot more info

It’s so odd

I'm a lawyer, but I don't practice family law. The first thing I did when getting a divorce was to hire an a lawyer. You don't need to know OP's financial situation to know that she shouldn't go this alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you know what drove him to an AP?

Being a selfish immoral ahole cheater is what “drove him” to an ap.

Naaa, lack of something in the relationship caused him to stray.

Being a loser cheater who doesn’t gaf about his family is what caused him to stray. Stop blaming women for men being a$$holes and ruining their family.

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear that your husband has been unfaithful. 💔💔💔
You are doing the right + ethical thing by divorcing him.

I personally do not understand how people can stay married to someone that would cheat on them…..especially when they have children w/the person.

Any loving and responsible parent who puts their child(ren) first would never stay in such a miserable dynamic.

I am not sure which states, if any, actually penalize a STBX spouse for infidelity so unfortunately I am unable to adequately answer your question but I highly recommend contacting a divorce attorney in your state very soon.

I wish you only the best.

+ 1000000x
Good for you OP for leaving f this rat.
You are an excellent mother to not subject your children to the wrath of your husband’s infidelity.

My oldest sister has taken her cheating husband back twice and what it has done to her three kids is very sad…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you know what drove him to an AP?

Being a selfish immoral ahole cheater is what “drove him” to an ap.

Naaa, lack of something in the relationship caused him to stray.

Being a loser cheater who doesn’t gaf about his family is what caused him to stray. Stop blaming women for men being a$$holes and ruining their family.

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed.

You’re back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you know what drove him to an AP?

Being a selfish immoral ahole cheater is what “drove him” to an ap.

Naaa, lack of something in the relationship caused him to stray.

Being a loser cheater who doesn’t gaf about his family is what caused him to stray. Stop blaming women for men being a$$holes and ruining their family.

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed.

You’re back.

To stay…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad you're looking at this with clarity, OP. You need to pay for a lawyer surreptitiously, to receive the best advice for your state of residence, and if your husband is the sort to look at joint expenses, you need to find a way to pay discreetly.

Do NOT let your husband suspect you know until you hatch the best financial plan with your lawyer. I hate to say this, but lots of women don't have their best financial interests at heart when they discover cheating and contemplate divorce. Keep your eye on the prize - ie, long-term financial wellbeing for your children and yourself.

This and make copies now of all financials you know of everything you own. Put it in a safe place he won't find. Also pick up a bunch of $25 and $50 Visa cards at the grocery store in case he tries to cut off funding. Hopefully both your names are on big items like the house and bank accounts. I'd also open a Credit card just in your name do not tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you know what drove him to an AP?

Being a selfish immoral ahole cheater is what “drove him” to an ap.

Naaa, lack of something in the relationship caused him to stray.

Being a loser cheater who doesn’t gaf about his family is what caused him to stray. Stop blaming women for men being a$$holes and ruining their family.

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed.

I think that's impractical to find someone to meet all of your needs. They aren't you. Basically what's wrong with the world right here. Find someone who meets most of your needs and then be content with the rest unmet and work on keeping the connections you have. No one will ever meet all of your needs.

[Anonymous]

You people are nuts and selfish screwing up your kids’ family lives. As long as he doesn’t bring the AP home, look the other way. Sheesh. You think you’re that special?

[Anonymous]

I know that "letting things go" is an expression, but I'll tell you what I told my trauma bestie this week . . . I really don't believe that that's how the emotional process works. I think we carry our hurts with us while they still have lessons to teach us. So I never beat myself up about not having let something go yet. I'm still processing it. I will carry it gingerly, and I will set it down when it's taught me what I needed to learn from this. You don't just let a deep betrayal go. But you know that your self-love will carry you through.

I love The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu. It can sound intimidating to think about forgiveness, but it's really a book about self-compassion. I think that the work I did after the first affair prepared me to navigate this chapter.

-novel lady



Love this poem by Andrea Gibson:

"How the Worst Day of My Life Became the Best"

When I realized the storm
was inevitable, I made it
my medicine.

Took two snowflakes
on the tongue in the morning,
two snowflakes on the tongue
by noon.

There were no side effects.
Only sound effects. Reverb
added to my lifespan,
an echo that asked—

What part of your life’s record is skipping?
What wound is on repeat?
Have you done everything you can
to break out of that groove?

By nighttime, I was intimate
with the difference
between tying my laces
and tuning the string section

of my shoes, made a symphony of walking
away from everything that did not
want my life to sing.

Felt a love for myself so consistent
metronomes tried to copyright my heartbeat.

Finally understood I am the conductor
of my own life, and will be even after I die.
I, like the trees, will decide what I become:

Porch swing? Church pew?
An envelope that must be licked to be closed?
Kinky choice, but I didn’t close.

I opened and opened
until I could imagine that the pain
was the sensation of my spirit
not breaking,

that my mind was a parachute
that could always open
in time,

that I could wear my heart
on my sleeve and never grow
out of that shirt.

That every falling leaf is a tiny kite
with a string too small to see, held
by the part of me in charge
of making beauty
out of grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are nuts and selfish screwing up your kids’ family lives. As long as he doesn’t bring the AP home, look the other way. Sheesh. You think you’re that special?

Are you new here? If the wife is giving up, it’s usually because DH is ready to leave for the AP.

[Anonymous]

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed

You sound extremely dense. How embarrassing. .