Caught DH cheating…

[Anonymous]

Get with the AP and send him the pics. That will show him.

Share them with us too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can get 50/50 even though he cheated. Courts don't think a parent's moral character has anything to do with their parenting somehow. You can put in the divorce decree that he can't have anyone sleeping over when the children are with him unless they are married.

Get a grip. No-fault divorces benefit women too. We know nothing about OP and her "morals".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can get 50/50 even though he cheated. Courts don't think a parent's moral character has anything to do with their parenting somehow. You can put in the divorce decree that he can't have anyone sleeping over when the children are with him unless they are married.

For anyone who has had this clause is it beneficial (makes them less likely to want custody bc they just want the AP over) or does it tend to encourage an early marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you work? It sounds like he wouldn’t be a good candidate for 50-50 if he works so much.
I’m not a lawyer but this is what I would do:
Collect more evidence, meet with lawyers, get your ducks in a row. When you’re ready, confront him with all your evidence and tell him what you want in plain terms. I want majority custody of the kids, you can have weekends or holidays. I want to stay in the family home. Etc. if he doesn’t agree you may proceed to mediation, but imo your best bet to get what you want is right after this confrontation.

Any experience how courts look at 50/50 if one parent works a lot (or sees their AP a lot) and their plan is to use a nanny during their time with the kids? Do courts favor an actual parent over a paid caregiver, or they value 50/50 more and leave the logistics up to parental discretion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get with the AP and send him the pics. That will show him.

Share them with us too

+1

Win/win for everyone!

[Anonymous]

Judges don't care about adultery. It's no factor in your divorce or child custody arrangements. Your attorney should have told you this. Get your legal advice from them, not here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judges don't care about adultery. It's no factor in your divorce or child custody arrangements. Your attorney should have told you this. Get your legal advice from them, not here.

This

[Anonymous]

Does your DH even want 50-50?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH even want 50-50?

A lot of them want it because it's advantageous to them when calculating child support but no, they don't actually want to parent half the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH even want 50-50?

A lot of them want it because it's advantageous to them when calculating child support but no, they don't actually want to parent half the time.

And the AP won’t want to play babysitter, so they’ll get stuck with a nanny. Cheaters are so gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can get 50/50 even though he cheated. Courts don't think a parent's moral character has anything to do with their parenting somehow. You can put in the divorce decree that he can't have anyone sleeping over when the children are with him unless they are married.

For anyone who has had this clause is it beneficial (makes them less likely to want custody bc they just want the AP over) or does it tend to encourage an early marriage?

Lawyer. These are not really enforceable. Words on a page that mean little

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should see a lawyer. This is all dependent on where you live.

I'm in Virginia in a similar situation, with my STBX leaving for another woman and with significant assets. It was his second affair so I learned some things from the first one. I did see a lawyer who wanted to hire a PI and sue him for adultery. All my evidence would have been from after he left, but in Virginia there's no legal separation status and it counts as adultery. But . . . to what end? I don't see it helping my coparenting relationship for my divorce to involve litigation and adultery. He immediately made me a good offer, though it was missing a lot and needs work.

You do need to be strategic. My STBX cares a lot about appearing to be a good guy. He feels shame and guilt. So we're going to meet in person with our lawyers soon. I know that he will want to look like he's "taking care" of me and the kids. He won't act entitled or aggressive when I am sitting there crying and talking about how much he hurt me. So confronting your husband may help you in that regard, to put him on notice that everyone knows he's a sh*t, but it doesn't have to be right away. You can sit on it for a bit, talk to a lawyer, talk to a therapist, and get your ducks in a row.

I don't plan to litigate but I do say things like, "I don't understand why you gave me such an unacceptable counter-offer when you're the one who has the most to lose from going to court." Don't play games with me; I have the upper hand. (He also claims that his book of business does not count as a marital asset, and if the settlement is acceptable to me than I can give him that, but I believe if we litigated I'd have a good chance of it being declared a marital asset, so again, he's foolish to yank me around right now. He's on the ropes, not me.)

You're dealing with a cheater and a liar. Make sure you wrap your head around that before you confront him. He will lie and gaslight you. He'll also want to know what you know, so he can only admit to that and nothing more. When you confront, have a goal in mind (to ask for a separation, to get him to admit to it, to offer him a speedy divorce on your terms, etc). If you're just hoping for an emotional release, you are likely to be disappointed. He's going to tell you that his cheating on you is your fault. I like to respond to those statements with a "So what you're saying is . . ." bounce back. I bounce his dumb idea back to him. "So what you're saying is that your affair was my fault because I didn't know you were unhappy telepathically, since you never told me?" "So what you're saying is that your lawyer made you give me an unacceptable counter offer that would leave our kids unable to go to college, but since I complained about it you will offer something much better?" I also speak as little as possible. When mine wanted to know what proof I had, I said, "How does that matter? I either do or I don't. And I do." Let things hang in the air and make him break the silence. And if he claims he's not having an affair, refuse to believe it and tell him the onus is on him to prove he's not, since you have proof that he is.

Confronting a cheater is very tricky, so do it only when you're ready, and know the outcome that you want. Don't accept any BS about it being your fault. "So if I had been more supportive, then you would be an honest and faithful person, but since you felt like I let you down in a way that you never once mentioned, you were off the hook?" Remember that his denials and blame-shifting might be so extreme and ridiculous that you're made speechless. So just have something prepared for those situations. "I'm really disappointed that after everything, you couldn't be honest with me about this one thing. I deserve better than that." And then walk out of the room. Don't allow any gaslighting or blame shifting or DARVOing to continue. He's already done enough harm.

Make sure you reach out to your support network. You deserve that love and support right now. My STBX was hoping that no one would know that he "started dating" his emotional affair partner as soon as he left me. He wanted to present it as some casual thing that happened between friends, since their marriages were ending anyway. His girlfriend even tried to backdate her separation so she could get divorced quicker. But I was able to quash those plans. Now they're not in a special, secret bubble. They still have to hide, because the kids don't know, and they've agreed to wait a year to tell them. But everyone in our social circle knows. And my friends can mirror back to me what I'm going through with empathy, which helps me.

As for custody, I just asked for more. He agreed to a 4/3 split. He's struggling even with his smaller percentage. Our daughter just texted asking for a ride to orchestra on the only night that is fully his next week, and he has a conflict. Of course he does. And yet when I proposed this schedule and said, "Are you sure you want Wednesdays and Thursdays, you like to go to a lot of concerts on those nights," he cried and promised that he would plan all his things for the nights he doesn't have them. He also cried and said, "I feel like I'm being penalized for being the breadwinner." This is a man who joins every board he's invited on, works out with his friends every morning and then gets coffee (so he could never take the kids to school), does happy hours and concerts every night, and went on about one guys' weekend every month. So yeah, the reason you get less time with your kids is definitely your day job and not how you spend all of your free time on yourself.

So maybe you can get him to agree to a different split. It doesn't mean he has less legal custody. Just present it as better for *his* schedule.

(Not OP). Sorry to quote something so long but PP, THANK YOU. this is just what the type of practical advice I had been looking for. You’re my hero. I would read a book if you wrote it about your experience.

I see other people talk about confronting within a few weeks. I have been wondering if I’m waiting too long to confront but I don’t actually feel ready or know what I want yet or feel emotionally capable. So maybe I shouldn’t rush it.

You were replying to my post. I'm sorry you're in this position.

The two times I confronted, I did it right away because I had extreme anxiety and needed the release. But if I had been able to wait, it would have only helped. This time around, the husband of the AP waited to confront her. She's much more of a gaslighter than my STBX is. I think that's the only reason I was able to confront without much preparation and get at least a semblance of the truth. He won't tell an outright lie because he feels guilty, and if he tries to, it's super obvious. His AP just makes sh*t up. So her husband waited to confront her in coparenting therapy, so there would be a third party present. And she denied and denied and denied, and finally she said, "Where are you getting your information from?" and he said, "From what your boyfriend told his wife." Mic drop. And then, because she will just lie about anything, she admitted that they "had" a relationship but claimed it was over (it is not). I'm so glad that I was able to help him have that moment in a place of his choosing. She still, to this day, has not admitted to anything except what she thinks he knows, and she continues to blame him for the marriage ending. (She's not a good person . . . she moved out and for the first nine months she refused to have their young kids in her rental, so she only saw them a few times a week for a couple of hours.)

I knew the AP's husband peripherally before (we were the original acquaintances), but we've become weird trauma besties. Having someone who is going through the same thing has been a real blessing. I hope you can find some support too. After the first affair I used the surviving infidelity forum a lot, and I keep in touch with some people I "met" on there. They've been a lifeline too. And of course, you need to talk to your support network. My trauma bestie has a harder time asking people for help, so he's been happy for me to tell people he knows the story to save him a step. I try to help when I can, but I do hope he'll work on it himself. Let people support you, as you would be happy to support them too. And, unfortunately, infidelity is a lot more common than we realize. I've had a lot of friends tell me their stories of being cheated on after knowing what is going on with me.

No one has a right to keep the truth of your life from you. You are entitled to full autonomy over your body and your choices. When you are ready to confront, do so knowing that you are giving your partner the opportunity to honor your dignity and work toward repair, whether that is reconciliation or the ending of a relationship that is harmful to you. But since they are mired in deceit and selfishness right now, keep your expectations realistic. They're unlikely to offer you the truth that you deserve, but you still deserve it. Please know that in your core. And be prepared to end the harm whether they help you or not.

Well, you said you'd read a novel, so I thought I'd oblige!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to get a divorce. It will probably be better for you, the kids, and him in the long run if you work it out.

I agree. If he’s rich, he will easily remarry a younger woman. What about her? She’s a mom of a few kids.
The house is big enough where they can live separate lives while still married for the kids sake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to get a divorce. It will probably be better for you, the kids, and him in the long run if you work it out.

I agree. If he’s rich, he will easily remarry a younger woman. What about her? She’s a mom of a few kids.
The house is big enough where they can live separate lives while still married for the kids sake

This is weird, backwards advice. If he's rich, she'll get good alimony and child support. I'm the lady who's been writing novels on this thread who is going through an unexpected divorce. In the early days when I was a crying mess, I had a few friends point out the obvious. "So wait, you're going to be fine financially, and you don't have to deal with a man? This seems . . . not so terrible?"

I don't need to find some man who's willing to become a stepdad and full time partner. I just need to find someone who likes getting together and having sex a few times a week. Surely this is not an impossible ask. I have a full life on my own. All the research says that women benefit a lot more than men from divorce, which makes sense. There's no reason to stay with an icky cheater who's going to have to pay you your due unless it's what you absolutely want.

As my STBX explained to me in an attempt to convince me to take his financial offer, I'm going to have a lot more flexible income than he is [cue a tiny violin]. Um, that's because he ran out and bought himself an expensive house four days after he left me, and he also wants to keep our vacation home. He can't really afford two expensive homes AND paying my mortgage and alimony and child support, but those are his choices. So any woman who looks at him and think he's her ticket to a cushy life is going to wish she'd married him 20 years ago like I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to get a divorce. It will probably be better for you, the kids, and him in the long run if you work it out.

I agree. If he’s rich, he will easily remarry a younger woman. What about her? She’s a mom of a few kids.
The house is big enough where they can live separate lives while still married for the kids sake

This is weird, backwards advice. If he's rich, she'll get good alimony and child support. I'm the lady who's been writing novels on this thread who is going through an unexpected divorce. In the early days when I was a crying mess, I had a few friends point out the obvious. "So wait, you're going to be fine financially, and you don't have to deal with a man? This seems . . . not so terrible?"

I don't need to find some man who's willing to become a stepdad and full time partner. I just need to find someone who likes getting together and having sex a few times a week. Surely this is not an impossible ask. I have a full life on my own. All the research says that women benefit a lot more than men from divorce, which makes sense. There's no reason to stay with an icky cheater who's going to have to pay you your due unless it's what you absolutely want.

As my STBX explained to me in an attempt to convince me to take his financial offer, I'm going to have a lot more flexible income than he is [cue a tiny violin]. Um, that's because he ran out and bought himself an expensive house four days after he left me, and he also wants to keep our vacation home. He can't really afford two expensive homes AND paying my mortgage and alimony and child support, but those are his choices. So any woman who looks at him and think he's her ticket to a cushy life is going to wish she'd married him 20 years ago like I did.

More power to you! 👸