Caught DH cheating…
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Anonymous
| NP. Is it a given, when people recommend not confronting, that the bedroom is dead? Because otherwise, how do you continuously refuse sex without letting on? |
Anonymous
PP is a cheater justifying their behavior. |
Anonymous
Make you feel better by attempting to put me down? |
Anonymous
No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself. |
Anonymous
Whatever. Did your partner step out because you didn’t give them what they needed? I hope you get some therapy to fix your self esteem. |
Anonymous
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Damn, novel lady gives damn good advice that those of us not experiencing cheating could also learn from.
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Anonymous
No one ever stepped out on me, thank you very much. I’m happy as a clam and hold my head up high. I also DGAF what people think about me. Maybe it’s you that needs therapy. Have a great day. |
Anonymous
Would you say that stealing from your employer is OK if you don't feel like they are treating you right? And when you get caught, you'll just explain that they really should have treated you better or paid you more if they didn't want you to steal? No of course not. That's silly. So is saying that any other kind of wrong behavior on my part is excused by wrong behavior on your part. We're adults and we are responsible for being our whole, best selves, even when other people are humans who disappoint us (as we disappoint others in turn). If my needs aren't being met in a relationship, then I ask for them to be met. If they still aren't being met, then I can leave, or I can announce that I'm opening the relationship and they are free to leave if they don't like it, or whatever. There's never a license to lie to the person who committed themselves to being your partner. In a culture where divorce and open relationships aren't taboo, there's absolutely no excuse. But see, doing it that way is no fun. No sneaking around. No will we/won't we. No thrill of being caught. No intermittent reinforcement. No getting to have our cake and eat it too. People cheat because they care more about their temporary jollies than they do about their partner's well-being. We can say we never meant for it to happen, but that casts us as bystanders in our own lives. And personally, I want to be the hero in mine. A lot of cheaters have avoidant attachment. I've realized that physical intimacy was actually the only kind of intimacy I had in my marriage. I was an open book. If I had a concern or a need, I expressed it, kindly, with a clear goal in mind. STBX would always thank me and say he'd do x, y, or z, but he never did. I assumed that since I'm a safe person, he was also expressing his stuff. He wasn't. I know from my trauma bestie that his AP is even more avoidant than he is. (I always think of that line from Clueless: "You've found someone even more clueless than you are to worship you.") They probably feel relief that no one is expecting intimacy or empathy or self-awareness from them right now. But one day, hilarity will ensue. She was always jealous of her husband, who is a SAHD who is really nurturing and principled. But now she's with a flirty cheater, nothing to see here . . . . [chef's kiss]. I have to laugh about how I told everyone about my sex life when STBX left. I saw a really old attorney who explained to me that dating before we are divorced counts as adultery. I said, "Wait, you're saying that my husband left me and now I have to be CELIBATE for a whole year?" My sister was side-eyeing me, lol. My pastor (I go to a progressive church) came over and I cried on my couch saying, "I just really like sex. I guess I'll have to . . . get a part-time boyfriend." And she said, "That sounds lovely."  So yeah, there was plenty of sex in my marriage. I brought my best self to my marriage, despite the inhospitable soil. STBX always told me I was the most self-actualized person he knew; so at least he recognized that much. It still didn't inspire him to work on himself [shrug]. And that's his job, not mine.
(Not that it matters, but I'm pretty sure this affair was "just" an EA until he left. He admitted to sleeping with her as soon as he left, so he would have slept with both of us within a few days. But he's a liar and a cheater so I'll never know for sure. I just have reasons other than his word why I think that's true.) We don't want to blame our bad behavior on others. And we don't want to accept responsibility for other people's bad behavior. The implications get sticky and weird really fast. And wanting to argue that point with women who are dealing with the trauma of discovery and trying to figure out next steps . . . that's not the coolest hobby I've ever heard of. Personally, when I get indignant about something a stranger said on the internet, I try to figure out what insecurity or unhealed hurt it's touching on. I'm psyched that I will get to fall in love in the next few years, when I'm not married like some loser. It's going to be so much fun! And it won't be gross and shameful like what my STBX has done. Yay me and boo him! -novel lady |
Anonymous
So defensive. 😂 |
Anonymous
You’re so happy that you feel compelled to vigorously defend cheaters. LOL! |
Anonymous
So salty… |
Anonymous
They do what they want. |
Anonymous
Hey, chiming in. I was the first PP to write about/respond to the first right of refusal issue. My ex really couldn't be bothered most of the time either. My son is 25 now, and has minimal contact with him (his choice). Ex didn't really get interested in him until he was mid-teens. By that point though I had been married again for 10 yrs, his "step-dad" had become his father and adopted him. (Ex didnt want to keep paying child support). We've been married for 20+ yrs now, ex never did marry his AP or anyone else. No idea if he's happy and I don't really care. I'm happy. |
Anonymous
You keep betraying your complete lack of understanding of psychiatry and psychology. A person with a personality disorder or unresolved trauma, etc. can be getting everything they want/need in their marriage AND be a cheater because they are so broken that they compartmentalize or lack empathy or are narcissistic or a million other scenarios. At a minimum, you lack the knowledge and integrity to recognize this. |
Anonymous
NP. Are YOU a psychologist or a psychiatrist? Do you have qualifications to make these blanket statements at all, much less call out others for their “complete lack of understanding?” |