Caught DH cheating…

[Anonymous]

NP, here, just dropping in to say I'm sorry. You deserved better, OP, and I'm sorry your DH let you down in the most spectacular way. The world is going to shut right now but please know not everyone thinks this is just run of the mill. It's heartbreaking and awful and it's what we PROMISE not to do when we marry. We make a whole ceremony around it and we make it public because it so so sacred. It's. bIG deal and anyone pretending otherwise just is too attenuated to dishonesty and betrayal. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Is it a given, when people recommend not confronting, that the bedroom is dead? Because otherwise, how do you continuously refuse sex without letting on?

Anyone??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Is it a given, when people recommend not confronting, that the bedroom is dead? Because otherwise, how do you continuously refuse sex without letting on?

Anyone??

No it’s not a given. Some people are using protection like condoms anyway, so that’s about the same risk level most people go through life with. A lot of people really roll the dice and risk an STD. Sometimes the bedroom was dead to begin with yes. Sometimes it dies when the cheating starts because the cheating partner stops initiating. Or a woman can make up many excuses related to health issues that prevent sex, maybe men can too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed

You sound extremely dense. How embarrassing. .

PP is a cheater justifying their behavior.

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

Whatever. Did your partner step out because you didn’t give them what they needed? I hope you get some therapy to fix your self esteem.

No one ever stepped out on me, thank you very much. I’m happy as a clam and hold my head up high. I also DGAF what people think about me. Maybe it’s you that needs therapy. Have a great day.

So defensive. 😂

So salty…

Nah, just laughing at the obvious cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to respond, especially the very lengthy and helpful responses from women going through something similar. I will start figuring out how to get an attorney and find the $$ to pay for it. It is hard to hear that his deceit will mean nothing in our divorce. My primary concern is getting as much custody as I can. I want DCs to have a good relationship with their father but he is largely absent as a dad, always has been, and apparently has been using his frequent business travel as an opportunity to cheat w various women. He is the type that will insist on 50-50 custody for appearances sake but he has no real interest in taking care of young children and will farm them out to a nanny or worse.

In this case, write the "right of first refusal" into your custody plan. This means that when he is unavailable to care for them, you get them if you are willing and available. And you can keep track of how often he can't care for them on his time, and go back and ask for an adjustment to the custody schedule.

But as I said before (I'm "novel" lady), I framed it as being better for my STBX to have less time. And he's struggling even with 43% of the time. When we set it up, I said, "Are you sure you want every Wednesday and Thursday? You like to go out a lot on those nights" and he literally cried and promised that he would plan his things for other nights.

Well our kid just texted needing a ride to something next Thursday and he has a conflict. He only has them two nights next week. This is who he is. He feels that the kids are his priority. But his actions never say that.

New poster. 100% agree with the PP. Absolutely insist on ROFR if he's the type to demand time but then flake. That way they can't get dumped on someone else without your consent. I was a SAHM and XH worked long hours (turns out he worked with AP) so I have 90% custody and we didn't go to court – he just said he was too busy from the outset. Even when his circumstances changed, he never asked for more time. Like PP's situation, XH claims the kids are a top priority, but his actions say otherwise. Even when he is with them, he's totally checked out and texting with AP according to the kids. I don't ever ask for details, but they come home frustrated and vent about it. Luckily, my kids are teens, so they don't need a lot of close watching/entertaining, but it makes me so sad that he voluntarily opted to play such a small role in their lives.

I'm sorry, OP. I still struggle with the fact that his cheating/betrayal means nothing to anyone but me. There is zero justice when it comes to that.

Hey PP, I'm "novel lady." Just wanted to give you and OP big hugs. It does matter. It's a trauma. It's completely unacceptable. No one has the right to take your reality or your bodily autonomy away. You don't want to be here with me? That's fine! But you don't get to secretly change the terms of our partnership.

I do believe there's justice, though. There's justice because his life is small and transactional. There's justice because you are released from someone who doesn't deserve you. I may have shared the story that last weekend STBX shared his location with me and the kids while he was in the woods "just in case." My kids DGAF. I certainly DGAF (I mean, he has a whole girlfriend for this, I have no idea what he was thinking). We watched a movie. We got in my bed and we played Jackbox games together. (They're in 7th and 9th grades, and when they're with him they just go to their rooms, but they WANT to spend time with me.) We were happy as clams. Nobody thought about the loser who left or wondered where he was. That's his justice. He may never put his finger on why he feels left out or uneasy or unsatisfied. He may blame external things his whole life. And he's the one who pays the price for that. I'm done paying the price for his lack of self-awareness and empathy. I'm free.

I wish freedom for all of us. <3

You do have to grieve. Grief is love with nowhere to go. And then, suddenly, you realize that the love is gone. It's turned into indifference, and cordiality, and vague amusement. Maybe it's because I was cheated on twice, so I lived with the unhealed trauma for ten years, but at this point I'm just glad that he is no longer a constant threat to my sense of safety. I'm not sleeping with one eye open anymore. I did the work to heal and forgive and understand myself, but he didn't. He could barely read a PDF on how to help me heal. And now he can't read Conscious Uncoupling or Cooperative Coparenting for Secure Kids. That's who he is. He was never going to be a safe partner. And I can let my nervous system rest now. My kids have one secure parent, and that's OK; that's enough.

We're going to be OK.

I’m the quoted “new poster” PP. Thank you. So much. I read that with tears running down my face. It’s been awful and the way he handled it was so extreme that it’s been really isolating. It really helps to know that there will come a time when it doesn’t hurt so much. I’d hoped to be farther along in the healing process, but the shock was just so huge and delivered with such intentional cruelty that I was a zombie for a long time. But, if nothing else, I’ve shown my kids that people can take hard hits and still keep putting one foot in front of the other, still show up for others, and find the humor and hope in really dark times. I’d have preferred to know these things only in the abstract, but you get what you get sometimes. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

It gets better, OP. Not in a straight line, but it does. I’m rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed

You sound extremely dense. How embarrassing. .

PP is a cheater justifying their behavior.

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

Whatever. Did your partner step out because you didn’t give them what they needed? I hope you get some therapy to fix your self esteem.

No one ever stepped out on me, thank you very much. I’m happy as a clam and hold my head up high. I also DGAF what people think about me. Maybe it’s you that needs therapy. Have a great day.

So defensive. 😂

So salty…

Nah, just laughing at the obvious cheater.

I feel so sorry for you…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed

You sound extremely dense. How embarrassing. .

PP is a cheater justifying their behavior.

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

Whatever. Did your partner step out because you didn’t give them what they needed? I hope you get some therapy to fix your self esteem.

No one ever stepped out on me, thank you very much. I’m happy as a clam and hold my head up high. I also DGAF what people think about me. Maybe it’s you that needs therapy. Have a great day.

So defensive. 😂

So salty…

Nah, just laughing at the obvious cheater.

I feel so sorry for you…

Feel sorry for your own lack of morals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

You keep betraying your complete lack of understanding of psychiatry and psychology. A person with a personality disorder or unresolved trauma, etc. can be getting everything they want/need in their marriage AND be a cheater because they are so broken that they compartmentalize or lack empathy or are narcissistic or a million other scenarios. At a minimum, you lack the knowledge and integrity to recognize this.

It's also a self-protective stance . . . if I can figure out why people get cheated on, then I can avoid it happening to me. It's creating a false sense of safety that must be lacking for the person somehow. It's the same phenomenon with people who jump in after a child dies in a hot car to say "I would NEVER do that." I know someone whose child died unexpectedly a few months ago, and my brain really wanted to know how/why so that I could reassure myself it wouldn't happen to my kids. It's a very human thing, but it becomes sad when it involves berating people who are already suffering just to soothe your own cognitive dissonance.

What I told myself after my STBX's first affair was, if he cheats again, I will figure it out. I can't trust another person 100% because I'm not inside his brain, but I can trust myself, that I will be fine no matter what comes. So from that place of safety I can allow other people to be responsible for themselves and hold my boundaries. I will be hurt in this life. I will suffer loss. But I will always have my own back. I will always find love and connection, even if it's not where I originally hoped. -novel lady

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Is it a given, when people recommend not confronting, that the bedroom is dead? Because otherwise, how do you continuously refuse sex without letting on?

Anyone??

No it’s not a given. Some people are using protection like condoms anyway, so that’s about the same risk level most people go through life with. A lot of people really roll the dice and risk an STD. Sometimes the bedroom was dead to begin with yes. Sometimes it dies when the cheating starts because the cheating partner stops initiating. Or a woman can make up many excuses related to health issues that prevent sex, maybe men can too?

To be fair, cheating doesn’t automatically mean STD. Obviously if you think he’s using sex workers or something that’s a different story. A lot of the affairs are just run of the mill. Mine cheated with his married coworker, also a mom. Neither of them had had sex with other people for over a decade when the affair started.

When it all came crashing down, there was a lot of issues we had to deal with, but STDs weren’t one of them luckily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Is it a given, when people recommend not confronting, that the bedroom is dead? Because otherwise, how do you continuously refuse sex without letting on?

Anyone??

No it’s not a given. Some people are using protection like condoms anyway, so that’s about the same risk level most people go through life with. A lot of people really roll the dice and risk an STD. Sometimes the bedroom was dead to begin with yes. Sometimes it dies when the cheating starts because the cheating partner stops initiating. Or a woman can make up many excuses related to health issues that prevent sex, maybe men can too?

To be fair, cheating doesn’t automatically mean STD. Obviously if you think he’s using sex workers or something that’s a different story. A lot of the affairs are just run of the mill. Mine cheated with his married coworker, also a mom. Neither of them had had sex with other people for over a decade when the affair started.

When it all came crashing down, there was a lot of issues we had to deal with, but STDs weren’t one of them luckily.

Sometimes they are married to a closeted gay also having rando sex or one of the married partners is also cheating (cheater doesn’t know) or the woman has HPV and no symptoms.

No married people are not safe. Those affairs are so stupid—no condoms because we are “safe”. They are older and stupid when it comes to protection as they came of age pre-online dating. I know people that contracted STIs f ET on disgusting cheating partners with this juvenile stupid mentality.

[Anonymous]

^ this was ex’s theory. “Oh really, some married white hitting up randos and sleeping with them unprotected on first meet…you think she isn’t doing this often?” Sure ain’t the first time at the rodeo.

[Anonymous]

I take my health very seriously so when you have a spouse having unprotected sexual with someone (married, whatever) and continues to have sex with you regularly—it’s something I never could forgive. You are putting MY health at risk without MY consent. I would not have been having sex with you if I knew what you were doing on the side. Hard stop. You don’t get to make that risk level choice for ME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Baloney… If his needs were met, he wouldn’t have strayed

You sound extremely dense. How embarrassing. .

PP is a cheater justifying their behavior.

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

Whatever. Did your partner step out because you didn’t give them what they needed? I hope you get some therapy to fix your self esteem.

No one ever stepped out on me, thank you very much. I’m happy as a clam and hold my head up high. I also DGAF what people think about me. Maybe it’s you that needs therapy. Have a great day.

So defensive. 😂

So salty…

Nah, just laughing at the obvious cheater.

I feel so sorry for you…

Feel sorry for your own lack of morals.

Who are you to judge others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No, I’m not a cheater. If one gets what they want, no need to look elsewhere. Don’t BS yourself.

You keep betraying your complete lack of understanding of psychiatry and psychology. A person with a personality disorder or unresolved trauma, etc. can be getting everything they want/need in their marriage AND be a cheater because they are so broken that they compartmentalize or lack empathy or are narcissistic or a million other scenarios. At a minimum, you lack the knowledge and integrity to recognize this.

YES! Exactly this. I'm constantly amused by the poster who thinks they have it all figured out. They betray themselves every single time they post. Their lack of self-awareness is amusing.