Caught DH cheating…

[Anonymous]

It is unlikely that things like explicit pics (hell, pretty much everyone is sending/receiving these now) or meeting an AP when you should be at Larla's dance recital will have any bearing on a custody decision. I get that this is frustrating, but it is what it is.

But this is a question for your lawyer -- if you have one, ask them, if you don't, you should have hired one yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad you're looking at this with clarity, OP. You need to pay for a lawyer surreptitiously, to receive the best advice for your state of residence, and if your husband is the sort to look at joint expenses, you need to find a way to pay discreetly.

Do NOT let your husband suspect you know until you hatch the best financial plan with your lawyer. I hate to say this, but lots of women don't have their best financial interests at heart when they discover cheating and contemplate divorce. Keep your eye on the prize - ie, long-term financial wellbeing for your children and yourself.

I borrowed the money for the retainer from my mom. And I made sure I wasn't sharing my location when I went to the lawyer's office.

[Anonymous]

Nothing to announce.
Speak with a lawyer and start planning your exit.

[Anonymous]

Time to get your own AP. Two can play at this game!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m still shocked at how stupid he is but his young gold digger AP has been sexting him explicit photos on a daily (sometimes more often) basis. My question is, is any of this helpful in a divorce or is he going to get 50-50 custody of our DCs no matter what? FWIW at least one of the encounters happened when he claimed he couldn’t go to an event at the DCs school because he had a work dinner….He doesn’t know that I know. I’m over the hurt and anguish at this point, or at least that’s what I am telling myself, and just want to be smart and strategic about next steps. I thought we had a mostly happy marriage although he has a very demanding job, works all the time and does not spend much quality time with the DCs. Whatever I thought, he is clear in his texts to his GF that he has been unhappy for some time and in any event I cannot stay with a cheater. DCs are in elementary school. DH does very well and we have significant assets. Do I confront him about this or just let him continue providing incriminating evidence that may be useful in a divorce?

There are two types of usefulness here and you are getting responses on both.

1. What a judge will look at in awarding custody.

2. What he may agree to in order to avoid a messy/long divorce process and out of shame/guilt.

#1 should be answered by a lawyer as many people have suggested (but the answer is probably not relevant)

#2 I would like to hear more about other people’s experiences

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has no relevance with custody or division of assets.

+1 I'm not sure why OP is being advised to keep collecting evidence. You need evidence of assets - if you're in a no fault state, it doesn't matter if he's banging six women behind your back. It's just not relevant to the split (other than it making you want the split).

Make sure you know where the money is. Nothing else matters right now. Go talk to a lawyer. Sorry you're dealing with this and hope you come out fine.

Evidence doesn’t matter to court, but it might matter to HIM. Using whatever leverage you have is wise, this is leverage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should see a lawyer. This is all dependent on where you live.

I'm in Virginia in a similar situation, with my STBX leaving for another woman and with significant assets. It was his second affair so I learned some things from the first one. I did see a lawyer who wanted to hire a PI and sue him for adultery. All my evidence would have been from after he left, but in Virginia there's no legal separation status and it counts as adultery. But . . . to what end? I don't see it helping my coparenting relationship for my divorce to involve litigation and adultery. He immediately made me a good offer, though it was missing a lot and needs work.

You do need to be strategic. My STBX cares a lot about appearing to be a good guy. He feels shame and guilt. So we're going to meet in person with our lawyers soon. I know that he will want to look like he's "taking care" of me and the kids. He won't act entitled or aggressive when I am sitting there crying and talking about how much he hurt me. So confronting your husband may help you in that regard, to put him on notice that everyone knows he's a sh*t, but it doesn't have to be right away. You can sit on it for a bit, talk to a lawyer, talk to a therapist, and get your ducks in a row.

I don't plan to litigate but I do say things like, "I don't understand why you gave me such an unacceptable counter-offer when you're the one who has the most to lose from going to court." Don't play games with me; I have the upper hand. (He also claims that his book of business does not count as a marital asset, and if the settlement is acceptable to me than I can give him that, but I believe if we litigated I'd have a good chance of it being declared a marital asset, so again, he's foolish to yank me around right now. He's on the ropes, not me.)

You're dealing with a cheater and a liar. Make sure you wrap your head around that before you confront him. He will lie and gaslight you. He'll also want to know what you know, so he can only admit to that and nothing more. When you confront, have a goal in mind (to ask for a separation, to get him to admit to it, to offer him a speedy divorce on your terms, etc). If you're just hoping for an emotional release, you are likely to be disappointed. He's going to tell you that his cheating on you is your fault. I like to respond to those statements with a "So what you're saying is . . ." bounce back. I bounce his dumb idea back to him. "So what you're saying is that your affair was my fault because I didn't know you were unhappy telepathically, since you never told me?" "So what you're saying is that your lawyer made you give me an unacceptable counter offer that would leave our kids unable to go to college, but since I complained about it you will offer something much better?" I also speak as little as possible. When mine wanted to know what proof I had, I said, "How does that matter? I either do or I don't. And I do." Let things hang in the air and make him break the silence. And if he claims he's not having an affair, refuse to believe it and tell him the onus is on him to prove he's not, since you have proof that he is.

Confronting a cheater is very tricky, so do it only when you're ready, and know the outcome that you want. Don't accept any BS about it being your fault. "So if I had been more supportive, then you would be an honest and faithful person, but since you felt like I let you down in a way that you never once mentioned, you were off the hook?" Remember that his denials and blame-shifting might be so extreme and ridiculous that you're made speechless. So just have something prepared for those situations. "I'm really disappointed that after everything, you couldn't be honest with me about this one thing. I deserve better than that." And then walk out of the room. Don't allow any gaslighting or blame shifting or DARVOing to continue. He's already done enough harm.

Make sure you reach out to your support network. You deserve that love and support right now. My STBX was hoping that no one would know that he "started dating" his emotional affair partner as soon as he left me. He wanted to present it as some casual thing that happened between friends, since their marriages were ending anyway. His girlfriend even tried to backdate her separation so she could get divorced quicker. But I was able to quash those plans. Now they're not in a special, secret bubble. They still have to hide, because the kids don't know, and they've agreed to wait a year to tell them. But everyone in our social circle knows. And my friends can mirror back to me what I'm going through with empathy, which helps me.

As for custody, I just asked for more. He agreed to a 4/3 split. He's struggling even with his smaller percentage. Our daughter just texted asking for a ride to orchestra on the only night that is fully his next week, and he has a conflict. Of course he does. And yet when I proposed this schedule and said, "Are you sure you want Wednesdays and Thursdays, you like to go to a lot of concerts on those nights," he cried and promised that he would plan all his things for the nights he doesn't have them. He also cried and said, "I feel like I'm being penalized for being the breadwinner." This is a man who joins every board he's invited on, works out with his friends every morning and then gets coffee (so he could never take the kids to school), does happy hours and concerts every night, and went on about one guys' weekend every month. So yeah, the reason you get less time with your kids is definitely your day job and not how you spend all of your free time on yourself.

So maybe you can get him to agree to a different split. It doesn't mean he has less legal custody. Just present it as better for *his* schedule.

(Not OP). Sorry to quote something so long but PP, THANK YOU. this is just what the type of practical advice I had been looking for. You’re my hero. I would read a book if you wrote it about your experience.

I see other people talk about confronting within a few weeks. I have been wondering if I’m waiting too long to confront but I don’t actually feel ready or know what I want yet or feel emotionally capable. So maybe I shouldn’t rush it.

[Anonymous]

A few tips:
- make sure there is no way for him to track your location (not even through your kids Life360 or anything)
- make sure he does not have access to the phone bill or get yourself another way to call people so he cannot see that you’re calling lawyer
- consult all the Top lawyers in your area for a one hour consult ($500-800$) so they will be conflicted out of representing him
- make sure your phone and all your email addresses have passwords that he is unable to access
- Start yourself a new email address that you use for correspondence with lawyers
- make sure that you are backing up any evidence that you have to the cloud or to a friend where it cannot be erased

[Anonymous]

Oh, PP again. Ask the lawyer that you end up hiring about F and went to confront. My lawyer was opposed to any confrontation.

Also, what is your cash situation? Your lawyer may ask for a retainer in the $20,000 range, is there a way where you can hide that expenditure? If not still consult everyone in town and have someone picked out and ready to go.

You should start with a list of questions for your lawyer, and then each consultation will give you some answers and some new questions and you just keep rolling through them to block him from hiring these people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to be mad at the man who vowed to be faithful, in front of your friends and family. Not the stranger he is sleeping with. She fell for his lies just like you did.

I am sorry for your pain and agree you should meet with a lawyer. That person may tell you to document existing assets (including retirement savings).

I don't believe this lie anymore. There are obviously women just as complicit who make it their mission to steal a guy from a married life because they usually know he is a proven safe man compared to others and can provide. They are obviously trying to compete with the wife for attention. Most of these women know the man is married and it makes them more interested in the guy, not less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of that evidence will help you in a custody hearing in VA. You DH can have 50 APs and will get 50% custody 95% of the time.

+Exactly. This literally does not matter. I don't know why people don't understand this.

Yup. Happened to my sister and her ex was actually jeopardizing the kids. They don't care. Unless documented physical abuse it's 50/50...next. And she had the number 1 attorney in her state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad you're looking at this with clarity, OP. You need to pay for a lawyer surreptitiously, to receive the best advice for your state of residence, and if your husband is the sort to look at joint expenses, you need to find a way to pay discreetly.

Do NOT let your husband suspect you know until you hatch the best financial plan with your lawyer. I hate to say this, but lots of women don't have their best financial interests at heart when they discover cheating and contemplate divorce. Keep your eye on the prize - ie, long-term financial wellbeing for your children and yourself.

Excellent advice!

+1 pull a Katie Holmes

[Anonymous]

You don't have to get a divorce. It will probably be better for you, the kids, and him in the long run if you work it out.

[Anonymous]

First get a lawyer.

I pretended I wanted to reconcile and did therapy for a year. Made sure the AP was long gone. Convinced him to get a vasectomy. Secured the assets. Then I told him it wasn’t gonna work out.

[Anonymous]

He can get 50/50 even though he cheated. Courts don't think a parent's moral character has anything to do with their parenting somehow. You can put in the divorce decree that he can't have anyone sleeping over when the children are with him unless they are married.