Caught DH cheating…
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Anonymous
| I’m still shocked at how stupid he is but his young gold digger AP has been sexting him explicit photos on a daily (sometimes more often) basis. My question is, is any of this helpful in a divorce or is he going to get 50-50 custody of our DCs no matter what? FWIW at least one of the encounters happened when he claimed he couldn’t go to an event at the DCs school because he had a work dinner….He doesn’t know that I know. I’m over the hurt and anguish at this point, or at least that’s what I am telling myself, and just want to be smart and strategic about next steps. I thought we had a mostly happy marriage although he has a very demanding job, works all the time and does not spend much quality time with the DCs. Whatever I thought, he is clear in his texts to his GF that he has been unhappy for some time and in any event I cannot stay with a cheater. DCs are in elementary school. DH does very well and we have significant assets. Do I confront him about this or just let him continue providing incriminating evidence that may be useful in a divorce? |
Anonymous
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I'm glad you're looking at this with clarity, OP. You need to pay for a lawyer surreptitiously, to receive the best advice for your state of residence, and if your husband is the sort to look at joint expenses, you need to find a way to pay discreetly.
Do NOT let your husband suspect you know until you hatch the best financial plan with your lawyer. I hate to say this, but lots of women don't have their best financial interests at heart when they discover cheating and contemplate divorce. Keep your eye on the prize - ie, long-term financial wellbeing for your children and yourself. |
Anonymous
| Sorry for your pain. Keep gathering evidence if needed. How you found out? |
Anonymous
Excellent advice! |
Anonymous
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That GF is just for excitement. Excitement will fade soon.
Mine did all that and more. Nobody cared. We got 50/50. When you are hurt, you think courts care, they don't. They don't even care about physical abuse unless you have a lawyer who goes on and on about it. Courts want you to share the kids, share the money and get the heck out. |
Anonymous
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Do you work? It sounds like he wouldn’t be a good candidate for 50-50 if he works so much.
I’m not a lawyer but this is what I would do: Collect more evidence, meet with lawyers, get your ducks in a row. When you’re ready, confront him with all your evidence and tell him what you want in plain terms. I want majority custody of the kids, you can have weekends or holidays. I want to stay in the family home. Etc. if he doesn’t agree you may proceed to mediation, but imo your best bet to get what you want is right after this confrontation. |
Anonymous
| This has no relevance with custody or division of assets. |
Anonymous
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None of that evidence will help you in a custody hearing in VA. You DH can have 50 APs and will get 50% custody 95% of the time.
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Anonymous
+Exactly. This literally does not matter. I don't know why people don't understand this. |
Anonymous
| You need to talk to a lawyer before you do anything. And start mapping out your "get away plan". |
Anonymous
| You saw the explicit pics? Does the AP have a rockin body? |
Anonymous
Sometimes, but not always. My ex is married to his AF. |
Anonymous
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You should see a lawyer. This is all dependent on where you live.
I'm in Virginia in a similar situation, with my STBX leaving for another woman and with significant assets. It was his second affair so I learned some things from the first one. I did see a lawyer who wanted to hire a PI and sue him for adultery. All my evidence would have been from after he left, but in Virginia there's no legal separation status and it counts as adultery. But . . . to what end? I don't see it helping my coparenting relationship for my divorce to involve litigation and adultery. He immediately made me a good offer, though it was missing a lot and needs work. You do need to be strategic. My STBX cares a lot about appearing to be a good guy. He feels shame and guilt. So we're going to meet in person with our lawyers soon. I know that he will want to look like he's "taking care" of me and the kids. He won't act entitled or aggressive when I am sitting there crying and talking about how much he hurt me. So confronting your husband may help you in that regard, to put him on notice that everyone knows he's a sh*t, but it doesn't have to be right away. You can sit on it for a bit, talk to a lawyer, talk to a therapist, and get your ducks in a row. I don't plan to litigate but I do say things like, "I don't understand why you gave me such an unacceptable counter-offer when you're the one who has the most to lose from going to court." Don't play games with me; I have the upper hand. (He also claims that his book of business does not count as a marital asset, and if the settlement is acceptable to me than I can give him that, but I believe if we litigated I'd have a good chance of it being declared a marital asset, so again, he's foolish to yank me around right now. He's on the ropes, not me.) You're dealing with a cheater and a liar. Make sure you wrap your head around that before you confront him. He will lie and gaslight you. He'll also want to know what you know, so he can only admit to that and nothing more. When you confront, have a goal in mind (to ask for a separation, to get him to admit to it, to offer him a speedy divorce on your terms, etc). If you're just hoping for an emotional release, you are likely to be disappointed. He's going to tell you that his cheating on you is your fault. I like to respond to those statements with a "So what you're saying is . . ." bounce back. I bounce his dumb idea back to him. "So what you're saying is that your affair was my fault because I didn't know you were unhappy telepathically, since you never told me?" "So what you're saying is that your lawyer made you give me an unacceptable counter offer that would leave our kids unable to go to college, but since I complained about it you will offer something much better?" I also speak as little as possible. When mine wanted to know what proof I had, I said, "How does that matter? I either do or I don't. And I do." Let things hang in the air and make him break the silence. And if he claims he's not having an affair, refuse to believe it and tell him the onus is on him to prove he's not, since you have proof that he is. Confronting a cheater is very tricky, so do it only when you're ready, and know the outcome that you want. Don't accept any BS about it being your fault. "So if I had been more supportive, then you would be an honest and faithful person, but since you felt like I let you down in a way that you never once mentioned, you were off the hook?" Remember that his denials and blame-shifting might be so extreme and ridiculous that you're made speechless. So just have something prepared for those situations. "I'm really disappointed that after everything, you couldn't be honest with me about this one thing. I deserve better than that." And then walk out of the room. Don't allow any gaslighting or blame shifting or DARVOing to continue. He's already done enough harm. Make sure you reach out to your support network. You deserve that love and support right now. My STBX was hoping that no one would know that he "started dating" his emotional affair partner as soon as he left me. He wanted to present it as some casual thing that happened between friends, since their marriages were ending anyway. His girlfriend even tried to backdate her separation so she could get divorced quicker. But I was able to quash those plans. Now they're not in a special, secret bubble. They still have to hide, because the kids don't know, and they've agreed to wait a year to tell them. But everyone in our social circle knows. And my friends can mirror back to me what I'm going through with empathy, which helps me. As for custody, I just asked for more. He agreed to a 4/3 split. He's struggling even with his smaller percentage. Our daughter just texted asking for a ride to orchestra on the only night that is fully his next week, and he has a conflict. Of course he does.  And yet when I proposed this schedule and said, "Are you sure you want Wednesdays and Thursdays, you like to go to a lot of concerts on those nights," he cried and promised that he would plan all his things for the nights he doesn't have them. He also cried and said, "I feel like I'm being penalized for being the breadwinner." This is a man who joins every board he's invited on, works out with his friends every morning and then gets coffee (so he could never take the kids to school), does happy hours and concerts every night, and went on about one guys' weekend every month. So yeah, the reason you get less time with your kids is definitely your day job and not how you spend all of your free time on yourself.
So maybe you can get him to agree to a different split. It doesn't mean he has less legal custody. Just present it as better for *his* schedule. |
Anonymous
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Try to be mad at the man who vowed to be faithful, in front of your friends and family. Not the stranger he is sleeping with. She fell for his lies just like you did.
I am sorry for your pain and agree you should meet with a lawyer. That person may tell you to document existing assets (including retirement savings). |
Anonymous
+1 I'm not sure why OP is being advised to keep collecting evidence. You need evidence of assets - if you're in a no fault state, it doesn't matter if he's banging six women behind your back. It's just not relevant to the split (other than it making you want the split). Make sure you know where the money is. Nothing else matters right now. Go talk to a lawyer. Sorry you're dealing with this and hope you come out fine. |