Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| DH doesn't seem to care and it's also his fault because I am a trailing spouse and had to give up my job. I do the kids stuff before and after school and am always trying to do whatever low paid online jobs I can get, so I guess I don't totally focus on my leisure. |
Anonymous
Gotta get fulfillment somehow. |
Anonymous
She doesn’t want to be alone. |
Anonymous
What many people seem to forget, is that the DH is only able to "bankroll" anything because the DW is taking care of everything else, thereby giving him the time and mental energy to do his job really well. People who get their fulfillment from an office job are sad AF. -mom who has stayed home, worked full=time, and is now part-time. |
Anonymous
| I think that if the man makes enough money, he doesn’t care what his wife is doing, as long as the kids and house are taken care of. If they lack money then he’ll get resentful. |
Anonymous
|
The answer is yes, unless money comes easy to the working spouse or there are other "benefits" they are getting from having a "leisure" spouse, e.g. having someone raise kids for them and also do whatever they please when they are away on frequent business trips..
A working spouse for whom the life is grind and money isn't abundant having a leisure spouse will soon turn family life into a toxic dump. It won't work, there will be resentment and if divorce were to ever happen, it will be bitter and prolonged and both parties will come out broke and broken. I've seen this. You will have to lean into your homemaker role and be good at it, it's a job like all others. The rich can do what they please as they always did and their problems are of a different kind. |
Anonymous
|
Most stay at home spouses do not live leisurely lives.
Each partner knows this. They know the reality. The decision to have one stay one was a joint decision. The decision was made because it was a win-win for both. |
Anonymous
He would be so unhappy. He loves his job. |
Anonymous
| Granted there will always be lazy people in the world, but the examples provided seem rare. Lots of times there’s way more going on behind the scenes. I was a SAHM. Now I work PT. My hat is off to every parent who works full-time with kids and has no outside help (aside from basic childcare). PT work with only 1 kid still at home is kicking my butt. If i quit my job tomorrow, I wouldn’t feel guilty. Sure occasionally I meet someone who is lazy and outsources but these are rare in my circles. Even my cousin’s wife who lives what appears to be a life of luxury has a lot to contribute to her children and marriage. My cousin doesn’t resent her in the least. He adores her. She’s a fabulous mom and human. She also has health issues which are invisible to outsiders. When I was home, I loved it, but it wasn’t like I sat around. I never had anybody clean my house and had no nanny or even babysitters. It was just me 100% of the time. DH’s only household responsibilities were along gender lines - car, yard, fixing something. When young, DH never got up in the night for feedings, diaper changes or sick kids. He never attended a school meeting and only went to BTSN because the other dads showed up. He never attended a doctors visit. My kids had various therapies. I did 100% of the grocery shopping, errand running, etc. I got the kids to after school and evening activities. He did volunteer coach for a while but I was the team manager. We had more kids than adults so I still did the schlepping to the majority of practices and games as our kids played on multiple teams and he had work or was tired. He was happy I was home because it made his life easier. When the kids were in school, I volunteered in the classroom, library, PTA and for scouts in multiple roles. My schedule did allow for me to do things like meet friends for lunch or go to the gym (not a fancy gym but $10/mo Planet Fitness). As my kids hit HS, I found my days more open but I was running my kids around late into the night and there are no weekends/holidays so I didn’t feel guilty for that quiet time. Without me at home freeing DH for work, his career wouldn’t be where it is. DH works hard and I am grateful he supported me but he only had to work a basic 8-9 hour day, 5 days a week so he came home and relaxed on the sofa while I cooked, clean and schlepped and then got to bed at a reasonable time. I did the math and my work hours were no shorter. Don’t meddle in other people’s relationships. Maybe these spouses are happy with the arrangements and things aren’t as easy for the SAHP as it appears. |
Anonymous
So is the high earning spouse whose career is possible due to the stay at home spouse “sad” because they get fulfillment from their career? Or is it only sad for women to get fulfillment? Anyway this isn’t about fulfillment from an office job. It’s about fulfillment from not doing much of anything productive. That’s kind of sad too. Raising kids as a highly involved stay at home parent is productive and we’re not talking about that either. |
Anonymous
You think people who make a ton of money don't have stress and don't secretly wish to retire? Of course, they do. They only keep on going because they really do not like to deal with running a household (even if some functions are outsourced), managing workers, repair people, decorating, and the main thing: child rearing. Some people prefer not to deal with this and have the leisure spouse manage school admissions circus, college "resume building" for the kids, wrangling them to be good at school/activities, managing social life calendar for the family, hosting parties, etc. Ladies of leisure can be quite busy if they want to do all of the above to near perfection. There are literally shows made about it, fiction and reality TV. 
|
Anonymous
| I have one friend in this scenario (where there is a nanny also involved). The reality is, her husband is very image focused. So part of the reason he's ok with her having a "leisurely life" is because she keeps up with her physical appearance. She's still involved with the kids, but they are expected to keep up a certain image too and she wouldn't be able to do it all without the help of the nanny. I wouldn't say her life is full of leisure. At least for me, I would find having to keep up that imagine exhausting. However, she knew that this was the kind of lifestyle he wanted before they got married and it works for them. |
Anonymous
But you have no idea what the average working spouse is “producing”, other than income. I’d much rather my husband be a kept man lounging by the pool all day than a corporate lobbyist or some political shill, for example. At least he’s not actively harming society sitting by the pool, and I can think of many worse outcomes than coming home every day to an energetic spouse in a great mood… |
Anonymous
|
The truth is once a man earns a certain amount, a wife who works is doing so entirely for her own fulfillment, even if she contributes financially. So if the wife would find equal or greater fulfillment in a life of leisure, I don’t think it would matter to the high earner.
I SAH, used to make mid 6 figures. DH makes well over 3M, and keeps increasing annually. I always thought I’d go back to work but the truth is he’d rather have me be doing something low-stress (and handle household logistics, though we have childcare and a daily housekeeper so it’s not like I’m a maid) than be employed. That said, I know he’d support me no matter what I do - I’d resent staying home if he didn’t! |
Anonymous
The other thing is that younger women have changed. They are realising it is rewarding to have a successful career. Also older women who have made it professionally often have a lot more free time but are also paid a lot. So are able to take on things like going on boards and networking with other successful women. The SAHMs that haven’t worked for 30 years by this point can’t access this world |