Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

I am my own boss, work part time, and from home, so I have a very flexible schedule. I think my husband appreciates I contribute in multiple ways because of my flexibility - although my financial contribution isn’t much, it enables me to do a lot of volunteer work, cook fresh meals every day, get all the errands done for the family, etc. I think I have a life of leisure in the sense that I can meet a friend for lunch whenever I want, I can take a nap during the day, I workout one hour every day, etc, but I am also parenting from 3pm onward, managing a lot of the house duties, and working. I think if he had to do all the parenting stuff, house management, cooking and cleaning AND providing the income and health insurance, he would definitely be resentful (and rightfully so). I think as long as partners are both contributing to the benefit of the family in their own ways, there will be little to no resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen a generational shift in this attitude. It seems like having a long term SAH princess wife was a huge goal and status symbol in the older generations, but Gen X and especially Millennial men resent it. Not saying every man under about 50 feels this way, but significantly more do than Boomers and up.

The other thing is that younger women have changed. They are realising it is rewarding to have a successful career. Also older women who have made it professionally often have a lot more free time but are also paid a lot. So are able to take on things like going on boards and networking with other successful women. The SAHMs that haven’t worked for 30 years by this point can’t access this world

It's the opposite. Younger women realized that majority of women trying to have fulfilling successful careers and functioning family/households fail and are miserable and don't want this. They see their mothers unhappy when they failed to "lean in" or got ousted after giving birth and wanting some work-life balance or had to resort to middling jobs just to pay the bills. They saw them tired and irritable, juggling messy homes and sleep training their infants and offloading their toddlers to the uneducated barely English speaking foreign nannies, or schlepping them to the dodgy daycares barely awake on their way to a meaningless middling job. For every woman who is a C level exec, a partner or an owner of a successful company there are many thousands whose lives reflect what I said above. It's the truth. I am no SAHM, I am an equal earner with my DH having contributed half of our NW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most stay at home spouses do not live leisurely lives.
Each partner knows this. They know the reality.
The decision to have one stay one was a joint decision.
The decision was made because it was a win-win for both.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

I do not resent my wife or her lifestyle. My wife has SAH for over ten years now. We outsource most things around the house. She focuses her time on the kids, church, volunteer work and fitness. Kids are ages 14 thru 7.

I recognize that her SAH status allowed me to lean in at work and excel there.

Not for nothing, she worked and carried things financially while I was in professional school early in our marriage. She has never expressed a desire to return to paid work although she worked for F100 for almost ten years and she was in management by the time she left. Early on in our dating life she told me she really wanted to SAH if that was at all possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am my own boss, work part time, and from home, so I have a very flexible schedule. I think my husband appreciates I contribute in multiple ways because of my flexibility - although my financial contribution isn’t much, it enables me to do a lot of volunteer work, cook fresh meals every day, get all the errands done for the family, etc. I think I have a life of leisure in the sense that I can meet a friend for lunch whenever I want, I can take a nap during the day, I workout one hour every day, etc, but I am also parenting from 3pm onward, managing a lot of the house duties, and working. I think if he had to do all the parenting stuff, house management, cooking and cleaning AND providing the income and health insurance, he would definitely be resentful (and rightfully so). I think as long as partners are both contributing to the benefit of the family in their own ways, there will be little to no resentment.

I don’t know any men that do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up where all the dads worked on Wall St. and the public schools didn’t have busses because it was assumed every household had a mom at home or a nanny / housekeeper to take kids to school. This was in the 90s, not the 1960s. His HS friends who stayed all have similar lifestyles today with the wife at home and the dad working 60+ hours a week. The only difference is that with telework, sometimes the dads get to see an afterschool track meet or soccer game.

I think some men think having non-working spouse is a status symbol. Part of displaying that status symbol is showing off the fact that your wife has time to get her nails and hair done, time to work out, and time to decorate your home and plan parties and fundraisers.

If your wife is just schlepping your kids around town in a minivan with her messy bun and leggings, that’s not a status symbol, that’s advertising the fact that your wife doesn’t have the earning potential to justify paying for the labor she provides for free.

I’m from nyc and lived in a town of families like you describe. I’m ivy educated and used to work before staying home. I clean up nicely but I do drive my kids around to their three different schools with messy hair but I drive an expensive SUV. I work out daily and am often in leggings or athleisure. Some days I get dressed for lunch or dinner. Most days I may not. It is cold. My comfy clothes are stylish. I chitchat with parents at school and games.

I do host a lot. I host play dates, parties, dinners, teas. We have a packed social life. I travel with the kids.

DH is very successful and well respected. I don’t think he cares but I do think in his circles, having a SAHM wife and kids in private is somewhat of a status symbol. Many people have this so no one really cares. DH is very proud of our kids and how well they are turning out. He tells me he appreciates me and how amazing our kids are frequently.

[Anonymous]

I hang out with a lot of SAHMs and there are so many different kinds, just like there are so many different kinds of working moms. Working status does not define a person.

The way the man feels about his wife can vary greatly and also not depending on working status.

I’m a SAHM who has a husband who is kind, respectful and happens to earn a seven figure income.

My friends who are treated the worst JMO are the ones who work AND have to deal with the kids AND house while the husband still treats them with disrespect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that if the man makes enough money, he doesn’t care what his wife is doing, as long as the kids and house are taken care of. If they lack money then he’ll get resentful.

As a woman staying home with kids is an equal job. I would not marry a man who expected me to have 2 jobs. I lucked out there, found a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hang out with a lot of SAHMs and there are so many different kinds, just like there are so many different kinds of working moms. Working status does not define a person.

The way the man feels about his wife can vary greatly and also not depending on working status.

I’m a SAHM who has a husband who is kind, respectful and happens to earn a seven figure income.

My friends who are treated the worst JMO are the ones who work AND have to deal with the kids AND house while the husband still treats them with disrespect.

This is what I see, many women are miserable that have to juggle it all. I seldom see men who do their equal share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that if the man makes enough money, he doesn’t care what his wife is doing, as long as the kids and house are taken care of. If they lack money then he’ll get resentful.

As a woman staying home with kids is an equal job. I would not marry a man who expected me to have 2 jobs. I lucked out there, found a good one.

I would not be a woman that didn’t have some form of employment and “retired” at 30. My kids are at Ivies, athletes and very close to us—all while I managed to work and have a husband that contributed at home like I did.

[Anonymous]

The spouse would resent if they don't like their job. I think that the people you describe having nannies while SAHM actually have mental health issues that they are hiding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get resentful if DH were living a life of leisure while I work - I'm not wired to provide for another adult plus kids. I think DH feels the same way. I've cut back more on my career and taken on more of the kids' stuff, and we also have a full-time nanny, and that arrangement is fine, but I know we'd both resent each other if someone stops contributing so the other one can freeride. We both prefer play to work, so we'll just retire together, on the early side.

+1
Some men feel powerful when they can provide a life of leisure for their family. Some women are fine with that. Most of those men cheat and will never leave their wife for the AF. Some women are fine with that too.

I work with many men of happy SAH spouses who have a life of leisure. They don't respect their wife when they are not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up where all the dads worked on Wall St. and the public schools didn’t have busses because it was assumed every household had a mom at home or a nanny / housekeeper to take kids to school. This was in the 90s, not the 1960s. His HS friends who stayed all have similar lifestyles today with the wife at home and the dad working 60+ hours a week. The only difference is that with telework, sometimes the dads get to see an afterschool track meet or soccer game.

I think some men think having non-working spouse is a status symbol. Part of displaying that status symbol is showing off the fact that your wife has time to get her nails and hair done, time to work out, and time to decorate your home and plan parties and fundraisers.

If your wife is just schlepping your kids around town in a minivan with her messy bun and leggings, that’s not a status symbol, that’s advertising the fact that your wife doesn’t have the earning potential to justify paying for the labor she provides for free.

So true!

The SAHMs you are talking about have law degrees, MS degrees etc. Most of them don't do public school though, hence no busses. There would be a bus for public school kids, if any of then did public and wanted a bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that if the man makes enough money, he doesn’t care what his wife is doing, as long as the kids and house are taken care of. If they lack money then he’ll get resentful.

As a woman staying home with kids is an equal job. I would not marry a man who expected me to have 2 jobs. I lucked out there, found a good one.

I would not be a woman that didn’t have some form of employment and “retired” at 30. My kids are at Ivies, athletes and very close to us—all while I managed to work and have a husband that contributed at home like I did.

OMG your kids are at Ivies? You are SO special and unique! Please tell us more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that if the man makes enough money, he doesn’t care what his wife is doing, as long as the kids and house are taken care of. If they lack money then he’ll get resentful.

As a woman staying home with kids is an equal job. I would not marry a man who expected me to have 2 jobs. I lucked out there, found a good one.

I would not be a woman that didn’t have some form of employment and “retired” at 30. My kids are at Ivies, athletes and very close to us—all while I managed to work and have a husband that contributed at home like I did.

OMG your kids are at Ivies? You are SO special and unique! Please tell us more!

I know I laughed at her superiority complex. I stayed home with our kids, one is a software developer. The other is a researcher, we have 2 good retirements with our home paid off. I've met a few like the pp, low self-esteem because of the need to brag while putting other women down for their choices.