Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

Why are you responding to this thread then?

[Anonymous]

My husband grew up where all the dads worked on Wall St. and the public schools didn’t have busses because it was assumed every household had a mom at home or a nanny / housekeeper to take kids to school. This was in the 90s, not the 1960s. His HS friends who stayed all have similar lifestyles today with the wife at home and the dad working 60+ hours a week. The only difference is that with telework, sometimes the dads get to see an afterschool track meet or soccer game.

I think some men think having non-working spouse is a status symbol. Part of displaying that status symbol is showing off the fact that your wife has time to get her nails and hair done, time to work out, and time to decorate your home and plan parties and fundraisers.

If your wife is just schlepping your kids around town in a minivan with her messy bun and leggings, that’s not a status symbol, that’s advertising the fact that your wife doesn’t have the earning potential to justify paying for the labor she provides for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s an important distinction between resenting the lost potential income vs resenting the person having time for themselves.

I agree. I’m talking about a situation where one spouse doesn’t work and has a lot of free time.

If the family needs the money I’m sure it leads to resentment. And if they don’t need the money, does the spouse care if one spouse stays home, has a ton of free time and kind of freeloads?

There are different types of stay at home moms. Some I knew stayed home with young kids. They didn’t have nannies, spent time taking their kids to activities, parks and playdates after school, making dinner, with the kids on endless days off etc. they volunteered at school. And most of these productive moms went back to work once the kids entered school for enough hours. Maybe some had a part time babysitter if they have several small children and need extra hands. But they work hard and once the kids were out of the house during the day, they still had drive to work - whether going back part time, full time, or having their own “consulting” business, or something like that.

Others outsourced childcare and never went back to work. These are the ones who are sitting around watching tv or going to the pool by themselves while full time nannies do school pick up and drop offs, laundry etc. and this is the setup I find weird.

I almost find the aspect of not wanting to do anything stimulating/productive to be the strange part. And as a secondary aspect, wonder if the spouse bankrolling it is resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother works all day and then has to go home and make dinner because his stay at home wife doesn’t ever cook. I would resent that.

My parents had this arrangement, but they liked it. Cooking is my dad's hobby, and it relaxed him after work. My mom did the grocery shopping for him, and made meals when he wasn't up for it, which was rare.

+1. My DH didn't marry me for my domestic skills.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think there’s an important distinction between resenting the lost potential income vs resenting the person having time for themselves.
[/quote]

I agree. I’m talking about a situation where one spouse doesn’t work and has a lot of free time.

If the family needs the money I’m sure it leads to resentment. And if they don’t need the money, does the spouse care if one spouse stays home, has a ton of free time and kind of freeloads?

There are different types of stay at home moms. Some I knew stayed home with young kids. They didn’t have nannies, spent time taking their kids to activities, parks and playdates after school, making dinner, with the kids on endless days off etc. they volunteered at school. And most of these productive moms went back to work once the kids entered school for enough hours. Maybe some had a part time babysitter if they have several small children and need extra hands. But they work hard and once the kids were out of the house during the day, they still had drive to work - whether going back part time, full time, or having their own “consulting” business, or something like that.

Others outsourced childcare and never went back to work. These are the ones who are sitting around watching tv or going to the pool by themselves while full time nannies do school pick up and drop offs, laundry etc. and this is the setup I find weird.

I almost find the aspect of not wanting to do anything stimulating/productive to be the strange part. And as a secondary aspect, wonder if the spouse bankrolling it is resentful.

[/quote]

Assume this is OP? Can't speak for your "friends" but my spouse considers any income joint income and is not resentful in the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have several good friends who stay at home. One has forever, one recently left their job. Both have kids in school full time, and one has a nanny as well. They both have cleaning help.

Both of them live very leisurely lives. Manicures, gym, lunches, beauty appointments, watching tv, going to the pool by themselves during the summer while kids are in day camp, etc.

My friend without the nanny is however, constantly shuttling her kids around, cooking full dinners etc - so a slightly less leisurely life. The one with a nanny truly seems to relax most of the time, nanny does the kids activities etc.

My husband would be okay if stayed home with our kids, but would absolutely resent it if I stayed home and relaxed all day while outsourcing all childcare and not contributing to our finances. And I’d probably resent him in the reverse scenario. How does this dynamic play out in marriages? Even if the spouses are relatively high earners, do they care?

I am not asking about stay at home parents of young kids or stay at home parents who don’t have full time nannies - their life is a grind, too. I am talking about stay at home parents who focus on themselves most of the day.

You are not a good friend. It's too bad your friends don't know how you feel because they'd drop you in a heartbeat. Nobody knows what goes on in another person's marriage and family life.

Why? I’m sure there are things my friends wonder about with me as well. I would feel strange lounging by a pool or working out daily knowing my husband is bankrolling all of it. My husband makes more money than I do, and I still have elements of this feeling - but I am the default parent and manage a ton around the house. I would legitimately feel weird just hanging by a pool all day while someone else takes care of my kids and my spouse works. The only exceptions would be if I was retired or had some huge trust fund and I had contributed/wasn’t entirely financially dependent on my spouse (and even then I’d still want to do some stimulating project.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

Would you be happy as long as he is happy? So if he was happy not working, you would be fine with that?

I have no idea. He is super in to his work, so he would be a totally different person. But if he wanted to work as a professor or something and make a lot less, that would be fine. I would go back to being a lawyer. But he would have to do a lot more of the kids wrangling.

Deliberately obtuse. Haven’t y’all ever heard of the golden rule? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Just admit it: none of you would ever be happy with a role reversal.

[Anonymous]

I have seen a generational shift in this attitude. It seems like having a long term SAH princess wife was a huge goal and status symbol in the older generations, but Gen X and especially Millennial men resent it. Not saying every man under about 50 feels this way, but significantly more do than Boomers and up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some would and some would be fine with it. There are men who want to work no matter what and who derive satisfaction from being the provider. Or just: Happy wife, happy life.

My husband will probably retire years before I do and I feel like I’ll be fine with that. I don’t want to retire.

Yes, this. Some men would rather be away from home and working, so they don't really care what their wives are doing as long as they're not bothering them.

[Anonymous]

The question is how would it impact your marriage. My hubs and doesn’t care what I do and very supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're resentful of spouses who get paid to "work" from home and do nothing.

DH calls me a SAHM with a paycheck. I've been working from home for the 15 years. I make a decent salary and am able to do kid pick up/drop off, laundry, grocery shop, and get dinner ready. He thinks it great. I look at us as a partnership. The more stuff I get done around the house when I'm home, the more family time we have.

Same. I have one in college now and one in HS. The amount of extra $, benefits and my own very large retirement count ($3million) while being home when kids were out of school, etc. had been great. I have sons and it also is great to see both parents chipping in financially and around the house. I did not “need” to work but couldn’t imagine not. I was raised to have a career by generations of women that did more than just be housewives. No divorces in the family either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're resentful of spouses who get paid to "work" from home and do nothing.

+1

[Anonymous]

My sister lives this life WITHOUT CHILDREN! And they don't plan on having any. They have a couple homes. She loves to travel, does yoga, shops and has meals at the country club. She is in the society papers. She is also very sweet. She is multiple charity boards so she does give back.

[Anonymous]

My friend's husband stopped working in his late 30s and they never had kids. They're in the late 60s now. She was very resentful but eventually decided to accept the situation. She hadn't agreed to this arrangement and she didn't earn so much money that his income wouldn't have made a meaningful difference in their quality of life and their retirement savings.

I asked whether she believed he'd have stayed married to her if she'd lost her job or ability to work, and she said no. Nonetheless, she chose to stay with him. I don't get it.