How are you preparing your DD to protect herself?

[Anonymous]

I don’t considering one experience “harassment”

Be is from cat calling in a street, a random comment at a party, a homeless man exposing himself on the street. Perhaps it meets the definition, but this shouldn’t be traumatizing. Just move on.

Harassment is if the same person repeatedly gives you unwanted attention after you have explicitly told them to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 52 year old mom of two daughters 18 and 20.

None of us have ever had to deal with sexual harassment. Calm down.

Well, if it didn't happen to you then it must not exist.

The stats and anecdotes of women I know (including me) show that this is a real danger for women. Regardless of your experiences.

[Anonymous]

My very tall DD, 12, had on a tee shirt, shorts and boots and has been catcalled by grown men out of a vehicle so we had to tackle it head-on whether we wanted to or not. Pretending you tween or teen girl is not going to be sexualized by others in-person or online is naive IMO but YMMV.

We started conversations about healthy relationships, being direct in DD's dealings with people and discussing our expectations for online and in-person behavior several years ago. We have expanded that to include what she can do about it more recently.

DD walks to and from school alone, which is about a mile here in DC, and we have spent years teaching her about situational awareness. Once dark, she knows she may only walk in groups or needs to call us for a ride.

When we started this conversation years ago, it was about personal safety, which is our #1 priority for each and every family member. DD knows she can contact us day or night if DD feels unsafe, no questions asked. We then went into how to handle oneself in the city, on public transport or walking, and asked our child to notice anything out of the ordinary and what to do when she sees an erratic individual etc. While traveling, we have asked her to point out potential pickpockets etc. and discuss how to handle yourself in a city, ie walk tall, look ahead as if knowing where you are going, don't be on a phone, go into a store if lost etc.

Those conversations have evolved throughout the years, now including such topics as keeping track of fellow family members via Find My feature on her AppleWatch and our phones, her decision-making when out in a group, and creating and respecting her own and others' personal boundaries.

DD's school has already dealt with sex ed, cyberbullying, general online safety, and a host of other topics. As those topics were discussed in school, we provided additional context and offered our family's perspective. For example, we emphasized that posts are never private and can and will be used against you by fellow middle schoolers; strangers may be online presenting themselves as someone else; etc. We don't scare her but try to explain that there are some unpleasant things in the world and we want to give her the resources and tools so she can take care of herself.

We are by no means perfect, but I do think having ongoing conversations through the lens of personal safety and open communication without judgment will be extremely helpful so that we can help DD tackle increasingly complex situations (parties, drinking, sex etc) as she grows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 52 year old mom of two daughters 18 and 20.

None of us have ever had to deal with sexual harassment. Calm down.

Same.

Male trolls.

I’m a 50 year old woman. Not everyone has the same experiences or carries the same burdens. It might not be fair but that’s how it is.

I’m sure this comment won’t land well but you must be unattractive. Any thin reasonably attractive woman is going to get some unwanted attention in their life.

I’m the PP. I don’t think attractiveness level is a determining factor.

But, I’ve always maintained a healthy weight and work out regularly. And I’m Latina so I have a baseline of attractiveness, at least in my opinion. 😁

Please consider being more inclusive and use LatinX instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 52 year old mom of two daughters 18 and 20.

None of us have ever had to deal with sexual harassment. Calm down.

Good for you! But how terrible of you to tell women who have actually experienced harassment to "calm down." You've got some nerve, lady.
When I was in middle school, I rode the public bus home and I remember one afternoon when clearly a decided to masturbate in the seat across from me. Fortunately, a woman (who was clearly not the likes of you, thank God!) guided me to a seat next to the bus driver, told the bus driver what was happening, and the bus driver kicked the man off the bus.
You are an ignorant fool if you think that your experience is representative of other girls and women. And for what it's worth, I have a gut feeling that your daughters have probably been sexually harassed but because you'd scoff at them they would never confide in you, their own mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t considering one experience “harassment”

Be is from cat calling in a street, a random comment at a party, a homeless man exposing himself on the street. Perhaps it meets the definition, but this shouldn’t be traumatizing. Just move on.

Harassment is if the same person repeatedly gives you unwanted attention after you have explicitly told them to stop.

I think this is interesting. I used to really think this and believe this and didn't really even register all the small things men did. The guy at work who blatantly looks you up and down in a lewd manner and makes a comment. The guy at work who puts both his hands on your shoulders while talking to you "make a point". The guy at the regular coffee shop you go to who comes out from the back to stare every time you are in line so eventually you just go to another coffee shop. Unwelcome looks, touches, comments. All of these are actual examples and I have so many more. I'm sure we all do. I had a guy witness one of these things and he acknowledged it later and asked me if I was okay. I was stunned. We all just harden ourselves to it and don't even speak up or think twice about it. It's sad really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t considering one experience “harassment”

Be is from cat calling in a street, a random comment at a party, a homeless man exposing himself on the street. Perhaps it meets the definition, but this shouldn’t be traumatizing. Just move on.

Harassment is if the same person repeatedly gives you unwanted attention after you have explicitly told them to stop.

NP and it’s this for me. I’m 50. Of course random things like that have happened to me but they didn’t bother or affect me. If you asked, I’d say I was never sexually harassed. I didn’t give any of that a second thought and was never scared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 1st boss stood up to my harassment on day 1 and was very intense about it.

I grew up in the 80's and I was like oh well that's how it is.

He was like no, it won't change if you don't call it out.

So I've called it out my whole life. I'm not afraid of confrontation and I'd say nobody that knows me is going to harassed me at this point.

At a recent xmas party another vendor was at our venue and a young man made a rude comment about me sleeping with his boss (the only reason I guess he thought the owner would talk to me, not because I'm and exec) and my staff held their breath like "OMG here we go"... luckily the owner of the company was like "don't you dare talk like that" and made him apologize.

So seriously, they need to call it out.

+1.

It took me years on the job to get to this point, I was raised to “be nice” and a people-pleaser.

My first office job there was an older man who harassed all the young women in our office and management turned a blind eye. And I don’t mean something like call us sweetie, but rather touch us, or leer at us.

Finally he did it to a newer woman who called him out and went over heads to report it and threatened a grievance. Suddenly management was interested in what we had experienced. We were all so grateful for her speaking up.

So I’ve told my 17 yr old DD all along to just not take any sh*t. I’m hoping me-too has had some impact on behavior, but I’ve told her to say, “you’re making me uncomfortable”. If it continues just one more time, tell him point blank, STOP, and report it immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics

These stats are alarming. I base conversations with my children around this and ways to protect yourself. It’s so common to be sexually assaulted.

Interesting what is considered sexual harassment. I saw a crazy homeless guy near the West Falls Church metro who was deliberately exposing himself to anyone who could see it. I did see him and yuck. I don’t consider myself a victim of sexual harassment. But, according to the study’s definitions, I would be counted.

What would you call it?

Sexual harassment is unwanted sexual behavior that makes someone feel uncomfortable, scared, or humiliated.

I don’t know if I would call it anything other than witnessing someone else’s mental illness.

I’m also more inclined to think “meh” about privates. I don’t find it shocking, just situationally inappropriate and, in this case, yuck.

DP. I would still call that sexual harassment. Maybe it is different in degree from something like sexual harassment from a supervisor at work in how it affects your life. You can walk away from it the mentally ill man exposing himself on the street, but not from a boss who is pressuring you into a relationship. That scenario on the street would still put me on guard though and make me scared if I were alone, though, and I would be calling the cops in case that mentally ill man takes it a step further and attacks someone.

Then it sounds like it would be sexual harassment for you. It wasn’t for me. I did call the cops because it was straight up inappropriate and screw that. I’m sure the males passing by didn’t love it either. I wasn’t scared though.

I certainly have never been sexually harassed by a supervisor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t considering one experience “harassment”

Be is from cat calling in a street, a random comment at a party, a homeless man exposing himself on the street. Perhaps it meets the definition, but this shouldn’t be traumatizing. Just move on.

Harassment is if the same person repeatedly gives you unwanted attention after you have explicitly told them to stop.

I think this is interesting. I used to really think this and believe this and didn't really even register all the small things men did. The guy at work who blatantly looks you up and down in a lewd manner and makes a comment. The guy at work who puts both his hands on your shoulders while talking to you "make a point". The guy at the regular coffee shop you go to who comes out from the back to stare every time you are in line so eventually you just go to another coffee shop. Unwelcome looks, touches, comments. All of these are actual examples and I have so many more. I'm sure we all do. I had a guy witness one of these things and he acknowledged it later and asked me if I was okay. I was stunned. We all just harden ourselves to it and don't even speak up or think twice about it. It's sad really.

I have very rarely, if at all, experienced these things. I don’t doubt they’ve happened to you but it’s not been my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t considering one experience “harassment”

Be is from cat calling in a street, a random comment at a party, a homeless man exposing himself on the street. Perhaps it meets the definition, but this shouldn’t be traumatizing. Just move on.

Harassment is if the same person repeatedly gives you unwanted attention after you have explicitly told them to stop.

I think this is interesting. I used to really think this and believe this and didn't really even register all the small things men did. The guy at work who blatantly looks you up and down in a lewd manner and makes a comment. The guy at work who puts both his hands on your shoulders while talking to you "make a point". The guy at the regular coffee shop you go to who comes out from the back to stare every time you are in line so eventually you just go to another coffee shop. Unwelcome looks, touches, comments. All of these are actual examples and I have so many more. I'm sure we all do. I had a guy witness one of these things and he acknowledged it later and asked me if I was okay. I was stunned. We all just harden ourselves to it and don't even speak up or think twice about it. It's sad really.

We have been conditioned to accept a certain amount of sexual harassment as just part of life. That’s why some of these women say they’ve never been harassed. They’ve overlooked things because “boys willl be boys,” and it’s just something everyone lives with. Just this very morning, my teenaged dd told me that when she was in 6th grade, she complained to the male gym teacher that a couple male classmates were saying they wanted to touch her tits. He told her that boys are just going to say stupid things and it’s only a problem if they actually touch you. This was 5 years ago, post Me Too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 52 year old mom of two daughters 18 and 20.

None of us have ever had to deal with sexual harassment. Calm down.

Same.

Same here. I think it makes 5 of us on this thread so far. I was beautiful in my teens/20s/30s and always dated very attractive, successful men (and then married one --a physician). But I was never really harassed--not even really cat called.

I don't really exude sexuality or vulnerability. I've never dressed provocatively or even very femininely. I'm not saying that women should change their dress to avoid harassment but I've always wondered why I never got harassed why other women say they were continually and I assume it must have had something to do with my clothing. I otherwise don't know.

Same. But I was “assaulted” at 15. Though, to be honest, it wasn’t a big deal to me. I was a server and was groped by an older male line cook. I immediately pushed him away, told my manager, who promptly yelled at the guy and it never happened again, and I moved on and was completely unbothered. We both still worked there another few years too. You don’t have to turn every experience in a huge traumatic event. Someone cat calls you? Keep walking. A guy says something inappropriate or lewd at a party? Walk away.

I tell my girls to avoid escalation unless it is necessary for your safety (to draw attention and get help). Often escalation can make a situation MORE dangerous and it is usually better to simply ignore and put distance between yourself and situation. You want to avoid a physical confrontation with a man- you won’t win. Always be aware of your surroundings and who you are with. Only drink with people you completely trust and have a least one person you are with that is not drinking. I do think most men are good and not abusive.

I assume that some of the people saying that they were not harassed have different definitions of harassment than others. Otherwise, I agree it just doesn't seem possible.

I am a very risk averse person who has always, even in my most "reckless" college days, practiced what several of these posts are teaching their daughters. I think I can honestly say that I have never been in close proximity or real danger of an attack or rape. I mean, you never know and I have been very lucky, but I also didn't drink at parties, stayed in groups, never took drinks from anyone, immediately left situations if I felt even a bit uneasy, never had a one night stand, and so on.

But that said, OF COURSE I have been sexually harassed. Yes to the catcalling (and sure, who cares? I didn't). I was groped more than once at concerts as a teen. I have had unwanted touching from men on metro/public transport as an adult. I remember once in Paris as a kid (maybe 12?), I was watching a street performer and thought one of my family members was leaning up next to me, only to realize when he started touching me more, that it was a creepy stranger and that my family had moved on to some other performer. I have seen numerous people masturbate in public places and remember realizing that a guy from work who was interested in me was masturbating while we were talking on the phone.

None of these things traumatized me or scarred me for life. The guy in Paris scared me and I kind of felt betrayed by my parents for not keeping a better eye on me. But I got the hell out quick. Generally I just thought Gross! and moved on. Who hasn't had guys be inappropriate at a bar? Like, a million times?!

Again, I am a really careful person who has always dressed modestly. And I have been super lucky that none of these progressed. But it is basically impossible for me to believe that an adult has never been harassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t considering one experience “harassment”

Be is from cat calling in a street, a random comment at a party, a homeless man exposing himself on the street. Perhaps it meets the definition, but this shouldn’t be traumatizing. Just move on.

Harassment is if the same person repeatedly gives you unwanted attention after you have explicitly told them to stop.

NP and it’s this for me. I’m 50. Of course random things like that have happened to me but they didn’t bother or affect me. If you asked, I’d say I was never sexually harassed. I didn’t give any of that a second thought and was never scared.

Okay, so maybe the term “sexual harassment” is muddying the waters. How do you prepare your dd for unwanted attention from men that includes catcalling, lewd comments, innuendo, degrading “jokes,” physical contact, getting cornered, pressure to do things that make her feel uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics

These stats are alarming. I base conversations with my children around this and ways to protect yourself. It’s so common to be sexually assaulted.

Interesting what is considered sexual harassment. I saw a crazy homeless guy near the West Falls Church metro who was deliberately exposing himself to anyone who could see it. I did see him and yuck. I don’t consider myself a victim of sexual harassment. But, according to the study’s definitions, I would be counted.

What would you call it?

Sexual harassment is unwanted sexual behavior that makes someone feel uncomfortable, scared, or humiliated.

I don’t know if I would call it anything other than witnessing someone else’s mental illness.

I’m also more inclined to think “meh” about privates. I don’t find it shocking, just situationally inappropriate and, in this case, yuck.

Why say “yuck” if it had no effect on you?

I’d say “sad”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t considering one experience “harassment”

Be is from cat calling in a street, a random comment at a party, a homeless man exposing himself on the street. Perhaps it meets the definition, but this shouldn’t be traumatizing. Just move on.

Harassment is if the same person repeatedly gives you unwanted attention after you have explicitly told them to stop.

NP and it’s this for me. I’m 50. Of course random things like that have happened to me but they didn’t bother or affect me. If you asked, I’d say I was never sexually harassed. I didn’t give any of that a second thought and was never scared.

Again, just because YOU would say so doesn’t mean others can’t or wouldn’t. There is a subjective element to harassment (by law). And depends on what the circumstances are-legally.

But even if not “harassment” it can certainly be upsetting, scary, or offensive. And for that reason - wrong.

And since we’re sharing anecdotes. I e been groped (as a teenager in a restaurant kitchen). I’ve been propositioned. I’ve had men say some very disturbing things in the workplace to me (what they’d like to do to or with me). These examples are just in a work environment. And do not include other situations. So it’s great some of you have not experienced this or have a higher tolerance for such actions. But that doesn’t mean they’re not occurring. So check yourself on your judgment.