Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

Yikes.

A marriage needs to be built on more than his valuing you and your accomplishments as a working wife! What if something were to happen to him or her and one of you was disabled and couldn’t work? Would you suddenly be unattracted to him? Life throws curveballs at you. Whether it’s raising kids, a short or long term disability or retirement, our lives as working people can ebb and flow but that career is not the sum or even the value of who we are. That is intrinsic to us. It’s the qualities of our personalities and values that drew our loved one to us in the first place.

Simply cannot relate to this perspective at all, and frankly glad I can’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My concern is that I wouldn’t return to work. There’s no easy time to work or return to work arguably leaving a young baby can be just as difficult as leaving a 3 or 4 year old. The women I’ve known who took time off spent years out of the workforce and struggled to return or never did. There was always an excuse about why they can’t work and it’s possible they needed to justify it. I think it put their families at a disadvantage and they incorrectly thought it was better for their children.

It’s also not considering that working is fairly easy. We’ve never lived in a safer world or had easier jobs. Someone 100 years ago would be shocked you can sit in a climate controlled office and use a computer and earn a six figure salary with paid vacation, healthcare, retirement savings etc. I personally have a difficult time passing this up.

Who’s to say it wasn’t better for their children? That’s a weird judgment. Every family is different. You also sound very privileged: plenty of people don’t make six figures.

When Dh and I got married, we were surrounded by many dual successful couples whose kids didn’t turn out so great. These are families where both the husband and wife were at the top of their fields and were not home much. They survived with multiple nannies. These were extreme examples but we knew that was not for us. I cut down from a high demanding job to a lateral less paying 9-5 job. I then moved to part time and eventually stopped working. I get to spend all day with my children.

[Anonymous]

I want to be a SAHM but DH won't "let" me. Like in your family, DH also paid for all our household expenses while I saved my income for years just so I could have the option. (He was still able to save via his 401k.) I feel like we could get by on his income, but he refuses to cut back on our lifestyle to make it happen. We're paying for a nanny plus private preschool(s), so it's a pretty penny to spend on childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a very generous and kind guy, but even he was questioning some of my spending and I found myself having to justify why I needed to buy this or that.

He felt the pressure of carrying the burden of being a provider.

I hated being dependent on him. I felt resentful that I did the exhausting work while he just went to the office and he got recognized and rewarded with money, status while I got nothing.

I would not put myself in that situation ever again. And financially having two incomes brings us to a whole other level.

I can really relate to the bolded. Sahms get so little respect, it’s demoralizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

Take 18 months off then put kids in daycare so you can go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a very generous and kind guy, but even he was questioning some of my spending and I found myself having to justify why I needed to buy this or that.

He felt the pressure of carrying the burden of being a provider.

I hated being dependent on him. I felt resentful that I did the exhausting work while he just went to the office and he got recognized and rewarded with money, status while I got nothing.

I would not put myself in that situation ever again. And financially having two incomes brings us to a whole other level.

I can really relate to the bolded. Sahms get so little respect, it’s demoralizing.

This^. Its a thankless job and until it gets recognized by the society, no young woman should agree to it.

[Anonymous]

Different arrangements work for different individuals and different families. Plus there are unknowns - serious parental illnesses, special needs children, layoffs or other job losses. Not to mention career trajectory, long term financial goals, and division of labor when one parent is primary caregiver to the children. There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I came here to discuss things but it immediately started in a fight. I no longer have an interest with the back and forth arguing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I came here to discuss things but it immediately started in a fight. I no longer have an interest with the back and forth arguing.

I actually thought there were some great comments here and the thread is INCREDIBLY tame given the subject.

[Anonymous]

Read Anne Marie Slaughter's article. I agree with a lot of points she makes, including that sometimes kids need more attention when they're older. I found it easier to do Nanny/childcare when they were younger but when they're in middle school and early high school it's helpful to have a parent with a flexible schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a very generous and kind guy, but even he was questioning some of my spending and I found myself having to justify why I needed to buy this or that.

He felt the pressure of carrying the burden of being a provider.

I hated being dependent on him. I felt resentful that I did the exhausting work while he just went to the office and he got recognized and rewarded with money, status while I got nothing.

I would not put myself in that situation ever again. And financially having two incomes brings us to a whole other level.

I can really relate to the bolded. Sahms get so little respect, it’s demoralizing.

This^. It’s a thankless job and until it gets recognized by the society, no young woman should agree to it.

Really? You shouldn’t do what is best for you or your family if it involves not working for pay? That’s insane. F what people think. Do you what your gut tells you. Many people don’t have the luxury of a choice one way or the other. Everyone is doing their best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

Glad you found each other. Personally, I could never willingly procreate with someone who finds their career more interesting than our baby, but there’s a lid for every pot I guess!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

This is sad to me and I have a career. It’s sad for a few reasons including that you’re likely over the age of 35 and still think your career is that important in the grand scheme of things. I work for a few reasons but primarily for income and can’t imagine my DH thinking me pushing papers around and sending emails is really more important than my role raising children. This view also diminishes what has traditionally been a woman’s job since the beginning of time. It suggests that the only way you add value is if you have what was traditionally a man’s job. Bringing a life into this world and raising it isn’t enough for you. Instead you need to work for a corporation and send emails. Kind of gross. I think our nanny’s job is incredibly important and don’t think my job is more important or better than being the mother to my children.

You have got to be kidding. I hope this is satire.

m

Nope. I wouldn’t have married a man who didn’t appreciate or value having and raising children. His family is his number one priority. Not paper pushing.

Women with high powered career do not paper push. Luckily you DH does not care you are dumb.

Lol this is pretty much all high earning office jobs. Very few are doing anything extremely consequential. There are exceptions like surgeons, doctors, etc.

If you die tomorrow they will reassign your responsibilities to someone else and/or hire someone new.

I’ve actually risen up the ranks rather quickly once I figured out what a joke work is.

LOL this! The more people puff up their chests and crow about how “high-powered” their job is, the more likely it is that their job is completely meaningless BS (and these people would be assigned to the lowest of the low ranks in terms of usefulness to society in a zombie apocalypse or something).

[Anonymous]

There’s an opportunity cost to both options. If you work at an inflexible job, the cost is an enormous amount of time with your children that can never be recovered, and delegating their care to paid employees. If you stay at home, the cost is financial, professional and perhaps social depending on your friends and family.

Almost everyone I know who can afford to do so tries to find a compromise. Part-time/ 0-2 at home, sahm with meaningful volunteering, each partners takes a year sabbatical, grandparent steps in, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

That makes no sense.