How much would you accommodate sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with food allergies and Celiac. We would never expect anyone to accommodate. We bring food. A grown up with an eating disorder needs to bring her own darn food. Not your job. Your parents are enablers and they are rude to expect you to accommodate her.

If you took your kid overnight to relatives who wouldn’t let you use their kitchen, so you couldn’t store or heat food, or to include any foods your kid could eat would you stay?

[Anonymous]

My son eats like this.

Here is what we do when we have family events:

Have some safe food available. Give him time & space to prepare it or bring it in a to-go container. Buying a rotisserie chicken that can be picked apart, and bringing a scale so he weigh his food (alone) helps.

Leaving the food prep to other people means that there is a good chance they will sneak in butter or other oils into the mix and say, "he'll never notice" and then there is puking and anxiety.

Giving him the keys to the kitchen helps. If there is a mess, I say, "I need those pans for the rest of the meal. Can you clean those in the next 10 minutes?" If they don't, have a talk about the pans.

For each of these:

She only eats:
chicken (buy a whole cooked chicken for $6. Put shredded chicken in a ziplock. Let her add what she wants to her plate each day. She may eat none. That's in her.

Salmon: Grill this on board or on foil or in a pouch away from the burgers & hot dogs. Add lemon or let her cook it.

Eggs: hard boil in advance or microwave in a cup (scramble).

Lettuce and certain other green vegetablesL Buy bags of salad, or ask her to shop for/bring enough for all that she will eat. People with ED have some control issues and she can contribute & share with others while only putting foods she deems safe in her body.

herbal tea: Have a tea box with a lot of kinds of teas near the coffee maker. Tea is not messy.

She's not going to starve to death on this trip, but being around family is a huge trigger for ED folks. It reminds them about getting what they need or don't need as a child.

Some EDs are also linked to autism. Using the "would you like to set the table, or would you like to wash dishes later" approach as a way to include them in meal planning is a way of giving them control without letting them off the hook.

It is literally a feeling that you don't deserve to be nourished, and part of that can come from being the sibling who was craving attention & nurturing, but their cup (or plate) was not full enough. It's slow suicide.

And in the end, your heart could stop.


A great books is Making Peace With Food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son eats like this.

Here is what we do when we have family events:

Have some safe food available. Give him time & space to prepare it or bring it in a to-go container. Buying a rotisserie chicken that can be picked apart, and bringing a scale so he weigh his food (alone) helps.

Leaving the food prep to other people means that there is a good chance they will sneak in butter or other oils into the mix and say, "he'll never notice" and then there is puking and anxiety.

Giving him the keys to the kitchen helps. If there is a mess, I say, "I need those pans for the rest of the meal. Can you clean those in the next 10 minutes?" If they don't, have a talk about the pans.

For each of these:

She only eats:
chicken (buy a whole cooked chicken for $6. Put shredded chicken in a ziplock. Let her add what she wants to her plate each day. She may eat none. That's in her.

Salmon: Grill this on board or on foil or in a pouch away from the burgers & hot dogs. Add lemon or let her cook it.

Eggs: hard boil in advance or microwave in a cup (scramble).

Lettuce and certain other green vegetablesL Buy bags of salad, or ask her to shop for/bring enough for all that she will eat. People with ED have some control issues and she can contribute & share with others while only putting foods she deems safe in her body.

herbal tea: Have a tea box with a lot of kinds of teas near the coffee maker. Tea is not messy.

She's not going to starve to death on this trip, but being around family is a huge trigger for ED folks. It reminds them about getting what they need or don't need as a child.

Some EDs are also linked to autism. Using the "would you like to set the table, or would you like to wash dishes later" approach as a way to include them in meal planning is a way of giving them control without letting them off the hook.

It is literally a feeling that you don't deserve to be nourished, and part of that can come from being the sibling who was craving attention & nurturing, but their cup (or plate) was not full enough. It's slow suicide.

And in the end, your heart could stop.


A great books is Making Peace With Food.

Get your son in an ED clinic, stop putting up with that. He won’t be around long if you keep this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son eats like this.

Here is what we do when we have family events:

Have some safe food available. Give him time & space to prepare it or bring it in a to-go container. Buying a rotisserie chicken that can be picked apart, and bringing a scale so he weigh his food (alone) helps.

Leaving the food prep to other people means that there is a good chance they will sneak in butter or other oils into the mix and say, "he'll never notice" and then there is puking and anxiety.

Giving him the keys to the kitchen helps. If there is a mess, I say, "I need those pans for the rest of the meal. Can you clean those in the next 10 minutes?" If they don't, have a talk about the pans.

For each of these:

She only eats:
chicken (buy a whole cooked chicken for $6. Put shredded chicken in a ziplock. Let her add what she wants to her plate each day. She may eat none. That's in her.

Salmon: Grill this on board or on foil or in a pouch away from the burgers & hot dogs. Add lemon or let her cook it.

Eggs: hard boil in advance or microwave in a cup (scramble).

Lettuce and certain other green vegetablesL Buy bags of salad, or ask her to shop for/bring enough for all that she will eat. People with ED have some control issues and she can contribute & share with others while only putting foods she deems safe in her body.

herbal tea: Have a tea box with a lot of kinds of teas near the coffee maker. Tea is not messy.

She's not going to starve to death on this trip, but being around family is a huge trigger for ED folks. It reminds them about getting what they need or don't need as a child.

Some EDs are also linked to autism. Using the "would you like to set the table, or would you like to wash dishes later" approach as a way to include them in meal planning is a way of giving them control without letting them off the hook.

It is literally a feeling that you don't deserve to be nourished, and part of that can come from being the sibling who was craving attention & nurturing, but their cup (or plate) was not full enough. It's slow suicide.

And in the end, your heart could stop.


A great books is Making Peace With Food.

Get your son in an ED clinic, stop putting up with that. He won’t be around long if you keep this up.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son eats like this.

Here is what we do when we have family events:

Have some safe food available. Give him time & space to prepare it or bring it in a to-go container. Buying a rotisserie chicken that can be picked apart, and bringing a scale so he weigh his food (alone) helps.

Leaving the food prep to other people means that there is a good chance they will sneak in butter or other oils into the mix and say, "he'll never notice" and then there is puking and anxiety.

Giving him the keys to the kitchen helps. If there is a mess, I say, "I need those pans for the rest of the meal. Can you clean those in the next 10 minutes?" If they don't, have a talk about the pans.

For each of these:

She only eats:
chicken (buy a whole cooked chicken for $6. Put shredded chicken in a ziplock. Let her add what she wants to her plate each day. She may eat none. That's in her.

Salmon: Grill this on board or on foil or in a pouch away from the burgers & hot dogs. Add lemon or let her cook it.

Eggs: hard boil in advance or microwave in a cup (scramble).

Lettuce and certain other green vegetablesL Buy bags of salad, or ask her to shop for/bring enough for all that she will eat. People with ED have some control issues and she can contribute & share with others while only putting foods she deems safe in her body.

herbal tea: Have a tea box with a lot of kinds of teas near the coffee maker. Tea is not messy.

She's not going to starve to death on this trip, but being around family is a huge trigger for ED folks. It reminds them about getting what they need or don't need as a child.

Some EDs are also linked to autism. Using the "would you like to set the table, or would you like to wash dishes later" approach as a way to include them in meal planning is a way of giving them control without letting them off the hook.

It is literally a feeling that you don't deserve to be nourished, and part of that can come from being the sibling who was craving attention & nurturing, but their cup (or plate) was not full enough. It's slow suicide.

And in the end, your heart could stop.


A great books is Making Peace With Food.

Get your son in an ED clinic, stop putting up with that. He won’t be around long if you keep this up.

+2 No one should live this way or be encouraged by codependency.
You and OPs parents are allowing these people to continue this destructive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son eats like this.

Here is what we do when we have family events:

Have some safe food available. Give him time & space to prepare it or bring it in a to-go container. Buying a rotisserie chicken that can be picked apart, and bringing a scale so he weigh his food (alone) helps.

Leaving the food prep to other people means that there is a good chance they will sneak in butter or other oils into the mix and say, "he'll never notice" and then there is puking and anxiety.

Giving him the keys to the kitchen helps. If there is a mess, I say, "I need those pans for the rest of the meal. Can you clean those in the next 10 minutes?" If they don't, have a talk about the pans.

For each of these:

She only eats:
chicken (buy a whole cooked chicken for $6. Put shredded chicken in a ziplock. Let her add what she wants to her plate each day. She may eat none. That's in her.

Salmon: Grill this on board or on foil or in a pouch away from the burgers & hot dogs. Add lemon or let her cook it.

Eggs: hard boil in advance or microwave in a cup (scramble).

Lettuce and certain other green vegetablesL Buy bags of salad, or ask her to shop for/bring enough for all that she will eat. People with ED have some control issues and she can contribute & share with others while only putting foods she deems safe in her body.

herbal tea: Have a tea box with a lot of kinds of teas near the coffee maker. Tea is not messy.

She's not going to starve to death on this trip, but being around family is a huge trigger for ED folks. It reminds them about getting what they need or don't need as a child.

Some EDs are also linked to autism. Using the "would you like to set the table, or would you like to wash dishes later" approach as a way to include them in meal planning is a way of giving them control without letting them off the hook.

It is literally a feeling that you don't deserve to be nourished, and part of that can come from being the sibling who was craving attention & nurturing, but their cup (or plate) was not full enough. It's slow suicide.

And in the end, your heart could stop.


A great books is Making Peace With Food.

Get your son in an ED clinic, stop putting up with that. He won’t be around long if you keep this up.

+2 No one should live this way or be encouraged by codependency.
You and OPs parents are allowing these people to continue this destructive behavior.

While there may be truth to this from a big picture perspective, there is likely a lot going into this that does indeed require long-term therapy and work. And a family member "drawing a line" at a family gathering that presumably is about creating a good memory of togetherness is not the right approach, taking all things into account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son eats like this.

Here is what we do when we have family events:

Have some safe food available. Give him time & space to prepare it or bring it in a to-go container. Buying a rotisserie chicken that can be picked apart, and bringing a scale so he weigh his food (alone) helps.

Leaving the food prep to other people means that there is a good chance they will sneak in butter or other oils into the mix and say, "he'll never notice" and then there is puking and anxiety.

Giving him the keys to the kitchen helps. If there is a mess, I say, "I need those pans for the rest of the meal. Can you clean those in the next 10 minutes?" If they don't, have a talk about the pans.

For each of these:

She only eats:
chicken (buy a whole cooked chicken for $6. Put shredded chicken in a ziplock. Let her add what she wants to her plate each day. She may eat none. That's in her.

Salmon: Grill this on board or on foil or in a pouch away from the burgers & hot dogs. Add lemon or let her cook it.

Eggs: hard boil in advance or microwave in a cup (scramble).

Lettuce and certain other green vegetablesL Buy bags of salad, or ask her to shop for/bring enough for all that she will eat. People with ED have some control issues and she can contribute & share with others while only putting foods she deems safe in her body.

herbal tea: Have a tea box with a lot of kinds of teas near the coffee maker. Tea is not messy.

She's not going to starve to death on this trip, but being around family is a huge trigger for ED folks. It reminds them about getting what they need or don't need as a child.

Some EDs are also linked to autism. Using the "would you like to set the table, or would you like to wash dishes later" approach as a way to include them in meal planning is a way of giving them control without letting them off the hook.

It is literally a feeling that you don't deserve to be nourished, and part of that can come from being the sibling who was craving attention & nurturing, but their cup (or plate) was not full enough. It's slow suicide.

And in the end, your heart could stop.


A great books is Making Peace With Food.

Get your son in an ED clinic, stop putting up with that. He won’t be around long if you keep this up.

+2 No one should live this way or be encouraged by codependency.
You and OPs parents are allowing these people to continue this destructive behavior.

While there may be truth to this from a big picture perspective, there is likely a lot going into this that does indeed require long-term therapy and work. And a family member "drawing a line" at a family gathering that presumably is about creating a good memory of togetherness is not the right approach, taking all things into account.

I agree.

Clearly OP's sister needs long-term therapy. Equally clearly, OP isn't prepared to take on her care and force the issue. Even if she was, it might not be possible to do so.

Refusing to throw a piece of salmon on some foil on the grill, and to have some boiled eggs and plain lettuce in the fridge won't lead to OP's sister getting treatment, or to her parents stopping the enabling. It will just drive a wedge into the family at an event that is presumably about strengthening connections.

[Anonymous]

Suggest to sister to find an Airbnb or not come at all if she’s going to be this needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suggest to sister to find an Airbnb or not come at all if she’s going to be this needy.

Again, the sister did not ask for anything at all.

[Anonymous]

Why do people care if others are picky. Either be decent and accomindiate her or tell her not to come.

[Anonymous]

PP is right, she doesn’t need to come. Tell her you won’t accommodate an eating disorder and if she wants to come she can eat what’s prepared or stay home and count calories.

[Anonymous]

My cousin is exactly like this.

I finally told her kindly to bring her own food when we go out. She eats white meat chicken, hummus, waffles, mac and cheese, pizza, salad.

It's really unpleasant being on a vacation with her. With everything online like restaurant menus, she needs to plan ahead with where to go and what to eat. Not really any excuses.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have a range of ideas for how to proceed here, from "tell her not to come" to "throw some salmon on the grill." I will note that nobody has said that you should cook every meal bespoke for your sister or arrange the entire menu for her.

I suggest you take a step back and think about what your goal is for the event, and choose the path that is most likely to get you there.

Is it more important to you that the whole family be there and feel comfortable, or is it more important to you to that you limit the food to only what you planned?
Is it more important to you to take this opportunity to make a statement about the longstanding dynamics between your sister and your parents, or is it more important to you that there be as little tension as possible?

Truly, think big picture. Honestly, if you have other issues with your parents and sister and would rather them not come at all, then be firm and take the suggestion to suggest your sister not come or tell her that she isn't allowed to bring or prepare her own food. If you are looking for low-drama family togetherness, CALL YOUR SISTER and work out a plan.

This isn't a question of whether you would be right/justified in not accommodating. This is a question of getting the outcome you want, for you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are mad at your sister and parents. Do you even like her?

[Anonymous]

Why did you invite the crazy sister to begin with?