How much would you accommodate sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son eats like this.

Here is what we do when we have family events:

Have some safe food available. Give him time & space to prepare it or bring it in a to-go container. Buying a rotisserie chicken that can be picked apart, and bringing a scale so he weigh his food (alone) helps.

Leaving the food prep to other people means that there is a good chance they will sneak in butter or other oils into the mix and say, "he'll never notice" and then there is puking and anxiety.

Giving him the keys to the kitchen helps. If there is a mess, I say, "I need those pans for the rest of the meal. Can you clean those in the next 10 minutes?" If they don't, have a talk about the pans.

For each of these:

She only eats:
chicken (buy a whole cooked chicken for $6. Put shredded chicken in a ziplock. Let her add what she wants to her plate each day. She may eat none. That's in her.

Salmon: Grill this on board or on foil or in a pouch away from the burgers & hot dogs. Add lemon or let her cook it.

Eggs: hard boil in advance or microwave in a cup (scramble).

Lettuce and certain other green vegetablesL Buy bags of salad, or ask her to shop for/bring enough for all that she will eat. People with ED have some control issues and she can contribute & share with others while only putting foods she deems safe in her body.

herbal tea: Have a tea box with a lot of kinds of teas near the coffee maker. Tea is not messy.

She's not going to starve to death on this trip, but being around family is a huge trigger for ED folks. It reminds them about getting what they need or don't need as a child.

Some EDs are also linked to autism. Using the "would you like to set the table, or would you like to wash dishes later" approach as a way to include them in meal planning is a way of giving them control without letting them off the hook.

It is literally a feeling that you don't deserve to be nourished, and part of that can come from being the sibling who was craving attention & nurturing, but their cup (or plate) was not full enough. It's slow suicide.

And in the end, your heart could stop.


A great books is Making Peace With Food.

Get your son in an ED clinic, stop putting up with that. He won’t be around long if you keep this up.

And, what? You think going to an Ed clinic fixes everything and then the person eats everything with their family and doesn't feel anxiety over it? What on earth makes you think that PP hasn't tried getting her son help? I'm always amazed how dismissive and rude people can be here. I thought that was a very helpful and informative post with some insight into what the disorder person is thinking and some tips for OP that she could implement with virtually no effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy her an Uber eats gift card. Tell her if she doesn’t like what you’re preparing she can order something else.

OP's parents should buy the Uber Eats gift card since they are the ones fully catering to this grown woman's ED and never got her help. No other adult in the family should be required to cater to or deal with a person who does not help themselves at all. Her enablers created the monster, her enablers need to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is asking too much.

And I say that as a mom to a child with 11 allergies. Yes, read that right eleven. We can’t ever eat takeout with him and I can’t trust food prepared in other people’s houses. It’s just a lot.

We always find out what the host is serving and we bring him something similar so he can be included.

I also feel like I’m a good host and I will try to accommodate others. A lot of people know about my son’s allergies and they have a little overlap so they eat at my house because they trust my kitchen. I also try to have something people can eat. For example if a Jewish person comes to my house I would never serve pork, but I would never reorganize my entire kitchen to make it kosher. That’s too much to ask. The sister wanting to take over the kitchen to cook food just for her when OP is hosting a dozen others is that level of entitlement.

As a mom of a kid who could literally die if he eats the wrong thing, I think this “medical excuse” is asking way too much of the host. The sister needs to handle her own food without sucking all the oxygen out of the room. Maybe she should get an Airbnb instead of staying with family.

You sound very nice, but just so you know, lots of Jewish people eat pork. And your kitchen could never be "reorganized" to make it kosher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

First. No matter what OP does this visit she’s not going to change her sister nor her parents. So she can choose to make a big deal out of it or just quietly provide the kitchen space or appropriate food options.

Second. Are people who are keto, or carnivore, or vegan, etc. starving themselves? I’m curious if OP’s sister has an actual diagnosed eating disorder or is just - like MANY here - very restricted in order to stay skinny and OP has themselves diagnosed the sister.

Lots of people don’t eat red meat, dairy, bread, etc. and I wouldn’t jump to “eating disorder.” Half the people I know have various restrictions and diets; they’d all have an ED under that logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

First. No matter what OP does this visit she’s not going to change her sister nor her parents. So she can choose to make a big deal out of it or just quietly provide the kitchen space or appropriate food options.

Second. Are people who are keto, or carnivore, or vegan, etc. starving themselves? I’m curious if OP’s sister has an actual diagnosed eating disorder or is just - like MANY here - very restricted in order to stay skinny and OP has themselves diagnosed the sister.

Lots of people don’t eat red meat, dairy, bread, etc. and I wouldn’t jump to “eating disorder.” Half the people I know have various restrictions and diets; they’d all have an ED under that logic.

Eating only chicken, fish, vegetables, herbal tea, cooking everything separately, not eating anything someone else cooks, no oil, parents needing to mention accommodations so you don’t upset the sister is clearly all pointing to disordered eating. OP does not need to enable this nonsense. Sister is an adult, she can figure it out. Anyone else with disordered eating should fend for themselves as well. Someone that is vegan, carnivore, or keto could find something to eat that OP is offering without creating a nuisance. If they can’t then they can door dash something. This level of neediness is feeding a deadly disorder.

Why should ANYONE be expected to help kill their sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

First. No matter what OP does this visit she’s not going to change her sister nor her parents. So she can choose to make a big deal out of it or just quietly provide the kitchen space or appropriate food options.

Second. Are people who are keto, or carnivore, or vegan, etc. starving themselves? I’m curious if OP’s sister has an actual diagnosed eating disorder or is just - like MANY here - very restricted in order to stay skinny and OP has themselves diagnosed the sister.

Lots of people don’t eat red meat, dairy, bread, etc. and I wouldn’t jump to “eating disorder.” Half the people I know have various restrictions and diets; they’d all have an ED under that logic.

All of these have merit, but the bolded is the most relevant for this situation. OP is not going to change any dynamic or fix whatever issues sister has by telling her she either has to eat pizza or can't come. What it is going to do is cause a lot of drama that will be a lot bigger headache than a dirty pan in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

First. No matter what OP does this visit she’s not going to change her sister nor her parents. So she can choose to make a big deal out of it or just quietly provide the kitchen space or appropriate food options.

Second. Are people who are keto, or carnivore, or vegan, etc. starving themselves? I’m curious if OP’s sister has an actual diagnosed eating disorder or is just - like MANY here - very restricted in order to stay skinny and OP has themselves diagnosed the sister.

Lots of people don’t eat red meat, dairy, bread, etc. and I wouldn’t jump to “eating disorder.” Half the people I know have various restrictions and diets; they’d all have an ED under that logic.

To your first statement, the op doesn’t need to change her sister. People are simply saying that she doesn’t have to feed into it nor change herself for her sister.
You are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

First. No matter what OP does this visit she’s not going to change her sister nor her parents. So she can choose to make a big deal out of it or just quietly provide the kitchen space or appropriate food options.

Second. Are people who are keto, or carnivore, or vegan, etc. starving themselves? I’m curious if OP’s sister has an actual diagnosed eating disorder or is just - like MANY here - very restricted in order to stay skinny and OP has themselves diagnosed the sister.

Lots of people don’t eat red meat, dairy, bread, etc. and I wouldn’t jump to “eating disorder.” Half the people I know have various restrictions and diets; they’d all have an ED under that logic.

To your first statement, the op doesn’t need to change her sister. People are simply saying that she doesn’t have to feed into it nor change herself for her sister.
You are wrong.

Even if I agree with you, which I largely do, I still don't think that no accommodation whatsoever is the right choice in this instance.

I would throw a piece of salmon on the grill, allow sister to bring some food, or even fry an egg NOT because I want to enable her. But rather because I want to have the best experience *for myself*.
The almost certain outcome of not allowing those things is a lot of drama, headache, or certain family not attending. Assuming OP's goal is to have the most enjoyable experience for herself during the event and after, and assuming that it matters at all to OP and other guests to have parents and sister in attendance, the right call is to accommodate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

First. No matter what OP does this visit she’s not going to change her sister nor her parents. So she can choose to make a big deal out of it or just quietly provide the kitchen space or appropriate food options.

Second. Are people who are keto, or carnivore, or vegan, etc. starving themselves? I’m curious if OP’s sister has an actual diagnosed eating disorder or is just - like MANY here - very restricted in order to stay skinny and OP has themselves diagnosed the sister.

Lots of people don’t eat red meat, dairy, bread, etc. and I wouldn’t jump to “eating disorder.” Half the people I know have various restrictions and diets; they’d all have an ED under that logic.

Eating only chicken, fish, vegetables, herbal tea, cooking everything separately, not eating anything someone else cooks, no oil, parents needing to mention accommodations so you don’t upset the sister is clearly all pointing to disordered eating. OP does not need to enable this nonsense. Sister is an adult, she can figure it out. Anyone else with disordered eating should fend for themselves as well. Someone that is vegan, carnivore, or keto could find something to eat that OP is offering without creating a nuisance. If they can’t then they can door dash something. This level of neediness is feeding a deadly disorder.

Why should ANYONE be expected to help kill their sister?

Actually, someone vegan probably could not. That meal is perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

No, she's not. She's fine and leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only make accommodations that make sense for that meal. E.g. salad for pizza night, veggie burger for BBQ night. No cooking herself at your home. Otherwise your parents and her can feed her separately.

How precisely should they feed her separately if OP won't allow them to cook?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

No, she's not. She's fine and leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She's starving herself. Let's assign responsibility accurately here.

First. No matter what OP does this visit she’s not going to change her sister nor her parents. So she can choose to make a big deal out of it or just quietly provide the kitchen space or appropriate food options.

Second. Are people who are keto, or carnivore, or vegan, etc. starving themselves? I’m curious if OP’s sister has an actual diagnosed eating disorder or is just - like MANY here - very restricted in order to stay skinny and OP has themselves diagnosed the sister.

Lots of people don’t eat red meat, dairy, bread, etc. and I wouldn’t jump to “eating disorder.” Half the people I know have various restrictions and diets; they’d all have an ED under that logic.

To your first statement, the op doesn’t need to change her sister. People are simply saying that she doesn’t have to feed into it nor change herself for her sister.
You are wrong.

She doesn’t HAVE to, no. But it’s just as easy to grill chicken as it is to grill a burger or hot dogs. Keep some eggs annd salad fixings in the fridge and let her sister cook something if she wants. almost like OP is inviting trouble where there is none by being petty. My clue to this was OP saying that it takes “hours” to scrub pans after her sister has used them. I just can’t comprehend how that is the case.

[Anonymous]

I think I would tell your parents and sister that she's welcome to bring her own food that's she's prepared ahead of time if she doesn't want what you have available, but she can't cook at your place because you're hosting a crowd. Someone burning on food on 3-4 different pans at once because she refuses to use any oil or cooking spray isn't compatible with me trying to host other people. Who wants to be in a house that smells like burnt food?! Sounds like she wouldn't eat chicken breast if OP cooked it because OP would use a little cooking spray to keep it from sticking.