How much would you accommodate sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my siblings had a pretty bad eating disorder among other issues like anxiety. She is 26 and still lives at home, but my parents walk on eggshells with her and have never forced her to get help.

My parents, siblings and their families are all coming to visit next month so there will be 14 people that we are responsible to feeding and entertaining for a few days. This is totally fine, but my sister with the ED has. Very restrictive diet and my parents have asked me to try to accommodate her for all meals so she has something to eat.

Given the number of people, we wanted to keep things easy and were planning to order pizza and salad for one meal, grill burgers and hot dogs, etc. My sister doesn’t eat any of those things - no bread, no red meat, no dairy. She really only eats things she cooks herself so there is no oil or anything she won’t eat. I am really not sure how I would accommodate this unless I let her cook her own meals, but not thrilled about that either since she always makes a humongous mess that she never cleans up.

How accommodating would you be here? Don’t want to encourage her not to eat the entire weekend, but always don’t want to make things even more complicated and messy.

What does she eat? So far her diet is similar to mine (no white flour, no red meat, and no dairy - among other things), but I do eat fats like olive oil, avocado, fish. Mine is based on medical issues. On pizza night, I would need a protein to go with the salad.

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So you are an adult and can pack a protein shake or peanuts or a can of tuna in your bag or bring some protein with you. It is rude to expect a host to cater to your needs when they are trying to feed a bunch of people.

Have you ever read Emily Post or Miss Manners?

The original Emily and Miss Manner are rolling in the grave at the audacity of guests now. OP isn't a restaurant, you get what you get within reason.

FYI, Judith Martin is still alive.

[Anonymous]

You are under no obligation to accommodate your sibling's mental illness. She can feed (or not feed) herself. Better yet she can stay home and cry or whatever else she does.

[Anonymous]

This is asking too much.

And I say that as a mom to a child with 11 allergies. Yes, read that right eleven. We can’t ever eat takeout with him and I can’t trust food prepared in other people’s houses. It’s just a lot.

We always find out what the host is serving and we bring him something similar so he can be included.

I also feel like I’m a good host and I will try to accommodate others. A lot of people know about my son’s allergies and they have a little overlap so they eat at my house because they trust my kitchen. I also try to have something people can eat. For example if a Jewish person comes to my house I would never serve pork, but I would never reorganize my entire kitchen to make it kosher. That’s too much to ask. The sister wanting to take over the kitchen to cook food just for her when OP is hosting a dozen others is that level of entitlement.

As a mom of a kid who could literally die if he eats the wrong thing, I think this “medical excuse” is asking way too much of the host. The sister needs to handle her own food without sucking all the oxygen out of the room. Maybe she should get an Airbnb instead of staying with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. She definitely has an eating disorder and has gotten some help in the past but did not like having to change her ways, so she refuses both in and out-patient therapy at this point. My parents don’t want to push her so they just allow her to do her thing. I don’t if it’s technically anorexia or not since she does eat, she just only eats maybe 10 things total. She is very thin but not sickly looking so most people just tell her she looks great. It’s actually really sad.

She will not eat at restaurants or order take out because she doesn’t trust what is on the food or what it may have been prepared with. So it’s not as simple as ordering a salad with no cheese and dressing on the side. She only eats chicken, salmon, eggs, lettuce and certain other green vegetables and herbal tea. I honestly can’t think of anything else she eats.

In terms of letting her cook, the main issue is that she won’t use any oil, butter or even Pam to cook things so they stick to the pan which then has to be scrubbed for hours to get all the food off. She also likes everything to be cooked separately so she uses like 3-4 pans depending on what she is making. My parents do clean up after her at home but I know they won’t in my house.

I want to be compassionate but also think it’s kind of ridiculous that they just let her live this way under their roof and do absolutely nothing.

So tell them she ruined your pans has to bring her own pans. If she forgets, send them to Target. And directly inform your parents that they will have to clean up after her.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her and tell her that you’re happy to have food on hand if she tells you what she’d like.

Otherwise, invite her to bring what she wants but tell her that given the number of people you’re hosting, your kitchen won’t be available for cooking.

A couple days is not going to make or break her eating situation. Be compassionate, maintain whatever boundary is reasonable to you, and try to set the annoying/frustrating dynamic you see between your sister and your parents aside for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Feed the anorexic a cheeseburger.

[Anonymous]

Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

Being a good host does not require one to enable the codependency that the sibling and her parents have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

She’s the one starving herself. Plenty of food will be offered, she can eat it if she wants to.

[Anonymous]

I would get a list of what she is typically willing to eat and I would have 3 meals a day of stuff on that list, even if I had to prep extra food just for her.

[Anonymous]

I have a child with food allergies and Celiac. We would never expect anyone to accommodate. We bring food. A grown up with an eating disorder needs to bring her own darn food. Not your job. Your parents are enablers and they are rude to expect you to accommodate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can broach the subject, tell her she's welcome to make or buy her own food and she can eat anything else if she wants, which she won't. Or ask her for exactly what she would like you to make and prepare it, but many ED people don't want others preparing their food as they don't have control.

Had sister like this and she brought fruit salad to every family holiday. She did make enough for everyone but she never ate anything else.

I might even offer to buy the foods that she would like to have in the house and let her know that she can prepare it how she likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just send her your menu and ask what you should have on hand for her to eat that she can quickly pull together for herself on the days she won’t eat the stuff you are making.

These suggestions are getting ridiculous. This might make sense for a 4 year old following a strict diet for serious health reasons but this is an adult. Capable of ordering food, grocery shopping, planning ahead, or just eating 2 bites of something offered like every other grown adult that doesn’t care for the menu choice.

2 bites. She’s not eating enough as it is and you want to starve her. No, be a good host.

Being a good host does not require one to enable the codependency that the sibling and her parents have.

If you were having any other guest at your house with dietary restrictions, you would accommodate to some degree. You would not inquire as to whether there was some codependency or other dynamic in their life you disapproved of that led to those restrictions.