How much would you accommodate sibling?

[Anonymous]

One of my siblings had a pretty bad eating disorder among other issues like anxiety. She is 26 and still lives at home, but my parents walk on eggshells with her and have never forced her to get help.

My parents, siblings and their families are all coming to visit next month so there will be 14 people that we are responsible to feeding and entertaining for a few days. This is totally fine, but my sister with the ED has. Very restrictive diet and my parents have asked me to try to accommodate her for all meals so she has something to eat.

Given the number of people, we wanted to keep things easy and were planning to order pizza and salad for one meal, grill burgers and hot dogs, etc. My sister doesn’t eat any of those things - no bread, no red meat, no dairy. She really only eats things she cooks herself so there is no oil or anything she won’t eat. I am really not sure how I would accommodate this unless I let her cook her own meals, but not thrilled about that either since she always makes a humongous mess that she never cleans up.

How accommodating would you be here? Don’t want to encourage her not to eat the entire weekend, but always don’t want to make things even more complicated and messy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my siblings had a pretty bad eating disorder among other issues like anxiety. She is 26 and still lives at home, but my parents walk on eggshells with her and have never forced her to get help.

My parents, siblings and their families are all coming to visit next month so there will be 14 people that we are responsible to feeding and entertaining for a few days. This is totally fine, but my sister with the ED has. Very restrictive diet and my parents have asked me to try to accommodate her for all meals so she has something to eat.

Given the number of people, we wanted to keep things easy and were planning to order pizza and salad for one meal, grill burgers and hot dogs, etc. My sister doesn’t eat any of those things - no bread, no red meat, no dairy. She really only eats things she cooks herself so there is no oil or anything she won’t eat. I am really not sure how I would accommodate this unless I let her cook her own meals, but not thrilled about that either since she always makes a humongous mess that she never cleans up.

How accommodating would you be here? Don’t want to encourage her not to eat the entire weekend, but always don’t want to make things even more complicated and messy.

Your answer is already here. Talk to your sister. Tell her she is free to bring and prepare food that she is comfortable with, but ask that she clean up after herself. In the moment if she doesn't, tell her to do so.

[Anonymous]

What would you do if it was any guest other than your sister who had a medical condition that impacted what they could eat?

Do that thing.

[Anonymous]

I would have one thing which she is willing to eat at each meal but it might be that the salad with the pizza has the dressing on the side, or that there is a veggie tray with hummus (probably has oil but she can eat the carrots) or whatever. If there is an easy way to modify what you are planning, like throwing a plain piece of salmon on the grill with the dogs or ordering a small gluten free pizza with no cheese I would do that.

If there are things she can keep in the fridge or cupboard and just eat with minimal prep, like plain grilled chicken breasts or cans of chickpeas, I would either let her bring them, or if she’s flying offer to add them to my grocery list so she can help herself.

So, basically, I would meet her half way.

[Anonymous]

I would only make accommodations that make sense for that meal. E.g. salad for pizza night, veggie burger for BBQ night. No cooking herself at your home. Otherwise your parents and her can feed her separately.

[Anonymous]

I would not accommodate this nonsense at all. She is a grown woman.

[Anonymous]

Look, if she were just a picky eater I wouldn't be too worried about catering to her.

If she has an ED, I would choose the path of kindness without walking on eggshells. Let her know she can order food or make food as long as she cleans up. Try to have some snacks on hand you know she will eat, like fruit or veggies.

[Anonymous]

I would grill several chicken breasts and have salad and have it available all weekend long. I don't have a ed, but don't eat bread, red meat, or much dairy and I would be grateful. She needs to have food she can eat if you are hosting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would grill several chicken breasts and have salad and have it available all weekend long. I don't have a ed, but don't eat bread, red meat, or much dairy and I would be grateful. She needs to have food she can eat if you are hosting her.

The op will have food. This isn’t about her sister not be able to eat it like an allergy.

[Anonymous]

I would not accommodate anorexia. That’s like buying bottles of liquor to accommodate an alcoholic. Let her figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not accommodate anorexia. That’s like buying bottles of liquor to accommodate an alcoholic. Let her figure it out.

So....the difference between alcoholism and anorexia is that alcoholics ingest things they shouldn't, and anorexics do not ingest things when they should.

The right way to help an alcoholic is to not provide alcohol. The right way to help an anorexic is to provide calories they will eat, or at a minimum let them eat the calories they are comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

If you can broach the subject, tell her she's welcome to make or buy her own food and she can eat anything else if she wants, which she won't. Or ask her for exactly what she would like you to make and prepare it, but many ED people don't want others preparing their food as they don't have control.

Had sister like this and she brought fruit salad to every family holiday. She did make enough for everyone but she never ate anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not accommodate anorexia. That’s like buying bottles of liquor to accommodate an alcoholic. Let her figure it out.

So....the difference between alcoholism and anorexia is that alcoholics ingest things they shouldn't, and anorexics do not ingest things when they should.

The right way to help an alcoholic is to not provide alcohol. The right way to help an anorexic is to provide calories they will eat, or at a minimum let them eat the calories they are comfortable with.

The op is providing calories. You are wrong.

[Anonymous]

^^She can prepare it ahead of time and bring in containers.

[Anonymous]

Buy her an Uber eats gift card. Tell her if she doesn’t like what you’re preparing she can order something else.