Spouse wants me to cut contact with my mom

[Anonymous]

She’s not safe to watch your kids. Cutting her off will result in serious drama… I wouldn’t tell anyone she’s not allowed to watch the kids, but you and your DH should make sure it doesn’t happen. You need serious boundaries. There’s a big spectrum between cutting someone off and using them as a babysitter and you need to be somewhere in the middle of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is right to be concerned. Once your child gets older and more perceptive, do you really want him/her to be around this toxicity?

OP here. I guess the consensus is to cut her off fully from my child.

I’m just more forgiving and willing to look past things. I don’t like drama or fighting.

My sister does limit contact because my mom hates her BF and she has said terrible things to my niece about her dad.

I wouldn’t say you’re more forgiving, just more willing to endure abuse. And as your kids get earlier you need to decide what example you’re setting for them. They watch it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did she do?

OP here.

Back history - She told everyone my now husband was going to cheat and leave me because he asked for a prenup. She told a lot of my family members and she was almost disinvited to our wedding.

Recent - She left our young infant child alone while sleeping for 10-15 minutes to grab herself coffee and lunch.

We gave her access to our DD for her to order food and coffee for lunch. Instead she decided to not use it and just went a block down to grab it.

She acted as if it was no big deal. We only found out because she told us she liked the restaurants food and she said she just picked it up because she needed to grab coffee from DD.

Husband said he doesn’t want her to have any contact with our child.

leaving infant alone is pretty bad - put her on probation for a long time while she redeems herself but be clear of behavior you expect from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not safe to watch your kids. Cutting her off will result in serious drama… I wouldn’t tell anyone she’s not allowed to watch the kids, but you and your DH should make sure it doesn’t happen. You need serious boundaries. There’s a big spectrum between cutting someone off and using them as a babysitter and you need to be somewhere in the middle of that.

This. She's never alone with the kids.

Diving deeper. I'm concerned for you.

Adult children of abusive parents often end up with an abusive spouse.
And your DH seems to be more about winning than being supportive of you and protecting the kids.

Foy you for right now agree to mom doesn't babysit.

Then you read up on healthy boundaries in relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP's mother sounds just like my ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has your goose cooked hasn't she?
Toxic woman and you can't let go of mommy. Do you live her or does she guilt you into saying you do and act like a good daughter?.
Even if your hubbie dropped dead tonight eliminating the dilemma in original post, I suggest you get therapy and shield yourself and your children from that verbal abuse.

I wrote this. I apologize because it is cruel. But it's also my cruelly lived truth. My mother did what you describe. She made me say we were "best friends" and that I loved her. I didn't after about age 9.
I moved out for college.

When I was an adult, I would curl up on the floor crying hysterically before making my "obligatory" Sunday call.

I am what a child of that kind of abuse can grow up to be like. Not saying its what you are like.. But you have another generation that will be exposed to her abuse..

I deliberately chose around age 9 not to have children because I figured I would treat them as I was treated, so no worries there.
I do suggest therapy whether or not you continue your family contact with her.
Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My mom is tolerable in small doses. She’s a very hateful person. I just know cutting her off means cutting my father ( who is wonderful) off. He will side with her and it will become a big email issue.

My brother cut her off and he no longer speaks to any of us because of her.

Zero babysitting. None. Your DH is right about that.

Slow roll time with her and meet sep with your dad, if you can.
When she starts being hateful, shut that sh-- down. If you're going to say "XXXXX about so-and-so we're leaving. THat's my DH's mom." And follow through.

I'd also just lay it out for them: I want to see you both but these behaviors (be specific) are dealbreakers and if they continue we will not be seeing you. Tell them it's not up for discussion. Then it's on them.

[Anonymous]

In our marriage, I am allowed to decide how I will interact with family (whether mine or in-laws), my husband is allowed to decide how he will interact with family, and we jointly decide how our children will interact with family. The no will *generally* win.

I think it's good that you agreed not to let your mom be alone with your child anymore. I think you also need to let your husband decide that HE no longer wants to interact with her. She was incredibly rude and disrespectful towards him, and it doesn't sound like she has ever acknowledged/apologized for what she has done. I imagine that she continues to treat him like that, hence why he wants to have nothing to do with her. He may also be upset that you seem to have moved on and let her off the hook for what she did for him. It would upset me if my husband downplayed something like that that had really hurt me, especially if I had never gotten an apology/things hadn't gotten better since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never let a man isolate you from friends or family.

OP's husband sounds like he's the sane one here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read all your posts. If you love your mom, you need to help your dad get her treatment. She needs to be on bipolar meds.

I don’t believe you should cut her off, but you absolutely need to hold her at arms length. She cannot watch your child.

I love my Dh and would side with him over my family. My Dh is wonderful and always has my best interests at heart. You need to decide if the same is true of yours. Marriage is deeper than blood relations. Your Dh actually seems reasonable and your mom is extremely unreasonable. I bet if you stood your ground, your dad would make changes. I can’t believe he didn’t after your brother went no contact. I’d lose my mind if my child wouldn’t contact me because of something my husband did.

My MIL sided with my FIL after we cut off contact with him (long story short, he's been verbally abusive my husband's whole life and when he turned on me and my children my husband had had enough). We told MIL that she was still welcome to see us, that we would help her move out and would pay for her to live separately if she needed to, etc. She sided with the abuser. It happens a lot. My best friend's in-laws did the same, and her husband only had a relationship with his dad again after his mom died. The spouses are victims of abuse and often act accordingly (i.e. not cutting off the abuser) because they're so messed up. I'm not defending it, and I feel the same way you do, but I've seen it happen more than once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom sounds toxic but it seems you are mainly ashamed of her because of your sensitive husband and well off in laws. Do what makes your life easier. You can't ruin your child's childhood trying to be a referee between your mom and your husband.

OP here. No. We have many issues since my parents divorced and we moved with her and my stepdad.

My mom was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. She called my sisters and I a B and a sl*t growing up.

My in-laws are of well off. She’s just jealous that my MIL have had a real close relationship.

Wait...if your parents are divorced, why do you have to retain a relationship with your mom in order to have one with your dad...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds very controlling.

The prenup means you’re more financially vulnerable than you would otherwise be. Plus he wants to isolate you from your family so you’re without a support system. He controls the money, he wants to control who you talk to as well.

The fact that you have a contentious relationship with your mom that you admit was abusive is a red flag for your marriage. Statistically, you’re more likely to seek out a partner who’s abusive because that feels familiar and comfortable.

I don’t want to minimize the severity of leaving an infant alone. Of course it’s a given that your mom won’t babysit in the future. But going no contact over this incident is batshit insane.

You’ve truly traded one abuser for another.

This is...insanity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother likely is mentally ill &/or has a personality disorder. Plan accordingly.

She is not going to follow safety rules with the kids and should never be left alone with them again imo.

The NAMI Family to Family course is free, online and would likely be very helpful & informative to you.

Not OP but wanted to say thanks to the pp that posed this. Looking into it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is right to be concerned. Once your child gets older and more perceptive, do you really want him/her to be around this toxicity?

OP here. I guess the consensus is to cut her off fully from my child.

I’m just more forgiving and willing to look past things. I don’t like drama or fighting.

My sister does limit contact because my mom hates her BF and she has said terrible things to my niece about her dad.

Your mom is going to do the exact same thing to your children.

You need to get into therapy stat, OP. You're a victim of abuse and you're sympathizing with your abuser. The fact that just about everyone else has cut your mom off is a huge red flag. I think you need to understand the impact this could have on your marriage and your children.

[Anonymous]

Give your mom a choice, if she can be responsible and respectful, she gets to keep limited contact with you, if not then its her decision to cut you off and neither you nor your spouse are responsible.

As far as your spouse goes, he has a say in his child's safety so only supervised meetings with grandkid until she proves she earned it with her behavior for a year. He doesn't get a say in you cutting your mom off though he doesn't have to socialize with her.