DS heartbroken he’s one of the only kids not invited to bar mitzvah

[Anonymous]

How much do you know about how the kids were invited in the first place? Does your son even have any contact whatsoever with the other boy? Is your son even putting himself in a position to be invited? Did most of the students in the class truly get invited, or does he only 'know' of a handful that didn't, and just doesn't know enough of the other kids to say who did and didn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much do you know about how the kids were invited in the first place? Does your son even have any contact whatsoever with the other boy? Is your son even putting himself in a position to be invited? Did most of the students in the class truly get invited, or does he only 'know' of a handful that didn't, and just doesn't know enough of the other kids to say who did and didn't?

That's possible but OP is giving small private school vibe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to your child. These moments when you find out you were not invited to something are so painful. We have all been there and I empathize with that feeling. We tend to feel bad about ourselves but I did want to offer you a little bit of a different perspective.

I am throwing one of these soon. Our budget isn’t low but there are all kinds of complicated circumstances that go into a guest list. The venues in this area really do have space constraints. I found it hard to find a place that could accommodate 150 because we have large families. Other nice venues are even tighter and have lower limits. Some kids we are inviting are obligatory cousins, kids of my close friends, kids who invited my kid to theirs, etc. Don’t get me started on the plus one adults we are including for close family but whom we and our kids have never met. When all was said and done, I gave my child a number and that’s how many he could have. There were kids like your kid who, as my kid went through his list, my kid might have said “he seems nice but he’s new and I don’t really know him and haven’t ever talked to him.” It might be as simple as that. There were some kids just like that who seem lovely to me, but that my kid doesn’t plan to invite. It’s likely not an act to exclude and doesn’t mean there are any negative feelings towards your son.

I think the best way forward is to empathize with your son but remind him relationships are so fluid at this age and he could have all different connections next year. Give benefit of the doubt that this was a snapshot in time and not an indication that he can never be friends with this person in the future.

NP and I certainly understand what you're saying but I still think it's rude to invite all but a few kids from one grade/group of friends. If you are trying to be considerate of others' feelings, either you try to keep the party on the smaller side (only invite your family members and closest friends so lots of kids are left out) or you invite everyone. You can choose to be inclusive or exclusive. It's not just about venue space constraints, it's about how much you care about hurting kids' feelings. My kids (yes, even in middle school) know they can either choose a smaller party w/ just a few friends, a medium sized party where for example half the class or half the social group is included so those left out don't feel that they're the only ones left out or a party that includes literally everyone. It is not nice to have a medium-large party where you invite all but 3 kids or something which is what it sounds like happened in OP's case.

I’m the PP you’re responding to and I agree with you! But it’s not entirely clear whether the host really invited nearly all the kids from a small grade or whether it’s a larger pool. In our case, it’s a public with several hundred per grade so obviously we could never include all the kids. I also feel like there’s all kinds of push and pull with guest lists. My husband has a friend group from college that’s like 8 guys, but he’s not seen 2 in a really long time. Do you include them and their wives (and kids) so as to not hurt feelings in the group at the exclusion of 8-10 alternate guests who could be classmates my kid knows and sees every day but on the other hand don’t really have a deep history and may not be friends next school year? Tough choices.

All of this is to say, surely you’ve been in a situation where you are the one inviting and making the guest list. But even if you absolutely prioritize being inclusive and trying to avoid hurt feelings you will inadvertently need to make difficult cuts and risk someone feeling hurt. I will also say I have personally taken extraordinary pains to include people who may have been excluded by others and you know what? Inexplicably, those people either decline the invite or flake/no show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you know about how the kids were invited in the first place? Does your son even have any contact whatsoever with the other boy? Is your son even putting himself in a position to be invited? Did most of the students in the class truly get invited, or does he only 'know' of a handful that didn't, and just doesn't know enough of the other kids to say who did and didn't?

That's possible but OP is giving small private school vibe.

Agree.

I don't think attacking the kid's reporting is the focal point. Distract on the day or weekend of and help him improve his social skills. Even more important for careers than it is in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's low class to invite most of the grade and exclude only a few kids. Many schools even have explicit policies against this. Sound like nouveau riche trash.

Not in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Small schools are the worst

[Anonymous]

It's a hard lesson, but the price of shyness is fewer social opportunities. I was also very shy when young and while I'm less shy now, nobody would ever describe me as outgoing and sociable.

At every age people like those that like them. Shy people don't give off those vibes as well as confident, outgoing people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need advice on to support my son as he deals with feeling excluded. My son is so sweet and painfully shy so he hasn’t connected with a lot of kids in his 7th grade class. He just realized this weekend that he’s only of a handful of kids not invited to a bar mitzvah. The few friends he has are invited. The parents of the boy having the party are very wealthy and are having a famous musician perform so it’s all the kids are going to talk about. I feel so heartbroken for my son and don’t want to try to fix this for him but want him to understand we are not always invited and it happens a to everyone at some point. Any tips that have worked to help your kids overcome this?

Is this a private school and, in particular, a Jewish private school?

7th graders in public school will have a lot of classmates from different classes, so it's not so obvious who is being invited to an event and who isn't. If it's a small private school, where most of the kids are taking the same classes together, different story.

Honestly, I'd just find try and find something else to do with you son that day. No need to do something over-the-top yourself - just something to remind him that you know he's special and to take him mind off what he's missing.

[Anonymous]

I am also a parent in a very affluent area full of CEOs and hedge fund managers etc and very ostentatious and tacky displays of wealth. I have yet to attend a single bar/bat mitzvah that the slightly sense of meaning or spirituality-it was all about hiring the most well known performer, best party planner, most expensive clothes and nothing about religion or spiritual milestone. Often times it seems like the kid going through it doesn’t get any enjoyment either. Maybe I’m in a different SEC now but when I was in middle school these seemed like low key events with family and close friends and nothing like they are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get why your son would feel badly, but it is really expensive for the host (like way beyond what a birthday party costs to host), so I think it is understandable that, if he wasn't good friends with the host child, he's not invited. I'd focus on doing something else special with him that weekend instead.

op here-the boys comes from family known for their wealth-billions, not millions. That is not a barrier.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. The family should absolutely have invited ALL kids vs leaving out just a few. That's really crappy of them.

That hasn't happened at my kid's school, but it is frowned upon and because there are a zillion parent events it is agreed upon that no one will do this. Which means, my very shy kid gets invited to every single bar / bat mitzvah ... even for kids he barely knows.

I would find something very special to do with your kid that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally get why your son would feel badly, but it is really expensive for the host (like way beyond what a birthday party costs to host), so I think it is understandable that, if he wasn't good friends with the host child, he's not invited. I'd focus on doing something else special with him that weekend instead.

op here-the boys comes from family known for their wealth-billions, not millions. That is not a barrier.

omfg. get out of here. Make friends with real people. Eat the rich, don't fete them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. The family should absolutely have invited ALL kids vs leaving out just a few. That's really crappy of them.

That hasn't happened at my kid's school, but it is frowned upon and because there are a zillion parent events it is agreed upon that no one will do this. Which means, my very shy kid gets invited to every single bar / bat mitzvah ... even for kids he barely knows.

I would find something very special to do with your kid that day.

Why should they? It's their midd school event. The entitlement here is staggering. This isn't prek.
You're also making the assumption that OP has the exact guest list and that shyness is the only trait related to this situation. I feel like so many of the PPs don't have older kids. Yes, the first few times your kid isn't invited can seem like a gut punch if your kid is sad. But you learn to shift expectations, prioritize different relationships, and embrace that you're not going to be included in everything by everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's low class to invite most of the grade and exclude only a few kids. Many schools even have explicit policies against this. Sound like nouveau riche trash.

+1

[Anonymous]

NP, btw. ^^^