DS heartbroken he’s one of the only kids not invited to bar mitzvah

[Anonymous]

F them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to your child. These moments when you find out you were not invited to something are so painful. We have all been there and I empathize with that feeling. We tend to feel bad about ourselves but I did want to offer you a little bit of a different perspective.

I am throwing one of these soon. Our budget isn’t low but there are all kinds of complicated circumstances that go into a guest list. The venues in this area really do have space constraints. I found it hard to find a place that could accommodate 150 because we have large families. Other nice venues are even tighter and have lower limits. Some kids we are inviting are obligatory cousins, kids of my close friends, kids who invited my kid to theirs, etc. Don’t get me started on the plus one adults we are including for close family but whom we and our kids have never met. When all was said and done, I gave my child a number and that’s how many he could have. There were kids like your kid who, as my kid went through his list, my kid might have said “he seems nice but he’s new and I don’t really know him and haven’t ever talked to him.” It might be as simple as that. There were some kids just like that who seem lovely to me, but that my kid doesn’t plan to invite. It’s likely not an act to exclude and doesn’t mean there are any negative feelings towards your son.

I think the best way forward is to empathize with your son but remind him relationships are so fluid at this age and he could have all different connections next year. Give benefit of the doubt that this was a snapshot in time and not an indication that he can never be friends with this person in the future.

NP and I certainly understand what you're saying but I still think it's rude to invite all but a few kids from one grade/group of friends. If you are trying to be considerate of others' feelings, either you try to keep the party on the smaller side (only invite your family members and closest friends so lots of kids are left out) or you invite everyone. You can choose to be inclusive or exclusive. It's not just about venue space constraints, it's about how much you care about hurting kids' feelings. My kids (yes, even in middle school) know they can either choose a smaller party w/ just a few friends, a medium sized party where for example half the class or half the social group is included so those left out don't feel that they're the only ones left out or a party that includes literally everyone. It is not nice to have a medium-large party where you invite all but 3 kids or something which is what it sounds like happened in OP's case.

Unlike traditional birthday parties, it's always struck me that bar mitzahs are often about the family. Reminds me way more of a wedding where we all understand that there are limits and inclusivity for the sake of it doesn't control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's low class to invite most of the grade and exclude only a few kids. Many schools even have explicit policies against this. Sound like nouveau riche trash.

Not in middle school.

NP. Our small, private DC middle school has policies against this type of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spend the would-have-been gift money on an activity for kid and a friend.

Hang out with more gentiles.

+1 Harsh but true. If OP is sending her kid to the type of private school a certain type of billionaire would send their kids to, her kid is going to be exposed to a lot of snobbery and unkind behavior. Rich on rich social violence. Figure out how to deal with it now, or consider a different school. It will not get better at this school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spend the would-have-been gift money on an activity for kid and a friend.

Hang out with more gentiles.

A shy kid doesn't get invited to a party so he should be antisemitic?

dp.. I took what PP stated to mean that they should hang out with more kids who are not Jewish so that they aren't excluded from barmitzvahs, though they could also be excluded from birthday parties.

This happened to my DS at 14. He was not popular, kind of shy and nerdy, late bloomer. He had kind of a friend group, but I think he was on the periphery. One of the kids had a birthday party, and he wasn't invited. He was so sad and cried. He though he was making friends.

He had a glowup over covid and came back to HS more mature. He started to hang out more with those kids, including parties and such.

It's heart breaking, OP. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally get why your son would feel badly, but it is really expensive for the host (like way beyond what a birthday party costs to host), so I think it is understandable that, if he wasn't good friends with the host child, he's not invited. I'd focus on doing something else special with him that weekend instead.

op here-the boys comes from family known for their wealth-billions, not millions. That is not a barrier.

New Poster. OP, I come from an affluent family - millions, not billions. My older brother and older sister had the big blow out bar/bat mitzvahs with 250 people, big band, tons of entertainment, etc. When it was time to book the location for my reception I told my parents I didn't want that. So they booked a much smaller venue that capped at 75 people. It was booked over a year before my bat mitzvah. We had 77 people (whoops!). My point is, sure my parents could have afforded more, but there are fire safety codes, and seating limits at venues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happened to my daughter and a memorable event from her middle school years - someone that she was friends with didn't invite her but invited other of her friends. To cap it off, everyone wore their sweatshirt branded with the kid's name to school on Monday - good times. All that said, we explained that sometimes you don't get invited and it doesn't mean you're not friends - and did something fun with her that weekend.

I *detest* those sweatshirts. My daughter didn't make the cut list for a girl she was friendly with - that's fine, but *every single one* of her friends was invited, and now they alllll having matching sweatshirts that serve as a constant reminder to my daughter that she didn't make the cut.

That is such mean kid behavior. The parents who allow this (both the party host's parents and those who allow their kids to wear those shirts to school, IMO) are probably not very considerate or kind people.

I hear you but my kid goes to a school with 400 kids in 7th grade. So if even 30 kids attend the Bar/Bat Mitzvah it is less than 10% of the class. I really don’t care about the hoody in that circumstance. There are plenty of times she isn’t invited and that is okay too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's low class to invite most of the grade and exclude only a few kids. Many schools even have explicit policies against this. Sound like nouveau riche trash.

Not in middle school.

NP. Our small, private DC middle school has policies against this type of thing.

Unless OP's child's school also has this policy, your school is irrelevant. Your school is small enough and has enough power that they can make this policy and parents will sign on. You and your fellow parents know this policy and still chose to send your kid to school there.

This is nothing like public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's low class to invite most of the grade and exclude only a few kids. Many schools even have explicit policies against this. Sound like nouveau riche trash.

Not in middle school.

NP. Our small, private DC middle school has policies against this type of thing.

Unless OP's child's school also has this policy, your school is irrelevant. Your school is small enough and has enough power that they can make this policy and parents will sign on. You and your fellow parents know this policy and still chose to send your kid to school there.

This is nothing like public school.

Whoosh! (DP)

[Anonymous]

Sorry you missed your chance to network with this billionaire OP.

[Anonymous]

OP I beg you to use this as a way for your child to build resilience. In fact he’s LUCKY to feel this now and build the getting-over-hurt-feelings muscle.

Tell him F them and don’t dwell on it. Make sure there is plenty of his favorite ice cream in the freezer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I beg you to use this as a way for your child to build resilience. In fact he’s LUCKY to feel this now and build the getting-over-hurt-feelings muscle.

Tell him F them and don’t dwell on it. Make sure there is plenty of his favorite ice cream in the freezer!

Yes it sucks, but I would skip the "f them" part. Don't teach him to hate people for this. F them indicates that they did something terrible. People are going to do and say terrible things in life. This is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

I actually did not get an invite to my best friends bar mitzvah in 7tj grade. I was new to the school and her bar mitzvah was in February -/ I think we were best friends by late fall but she said he mom had long since set the guest list and would not let her make additions. We were best friends until 12th grade and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:F them!

+1

[Anonymous]

I think one of the downsides of private school —I am assuming private school - is moments where shyer or socially awkward kids will feel especially excluded since there can be more events where most of the class might be included since class size is small. Please talk to your child about the fact this will happen. He is not friends with the child having the event nor are you as an adult friends with the parents to the point they would think to include your child. If your school has more than one Jewish child this could happen a number of times. Talk to your child about how he can respond when other kids talk about the event so he has a script. And yes for sure take him to do something fun since this will be a night his friends are not available. —- Also this might be a moment to think hard about if the school is a good fit for your child socially or if the school has a ‘mean’ culture. If money and size of event are not a consideration then it is a bit small spirited to have included most/but not all of the class. I known most of the bar and bat mitzvahs my kids attended effort was made to include all members of any certain social group when possible.