DS heartbroken he’s one of the only kids not invited to bar mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happened to my daughter and a memorable event from her middle school years - someone that she was friends with didn't invite her but invited other of her friends. To cap it off, everyone wore their sweatshirt branded with the kid's name to school on Monday - good times. All that said, we explained that sometimes you don't get invited and it doesn't mean you're not friends - and did something fun with her that weekend.

I *detest* those sweatshirts. My daughter didn't make the cut list for a girl she was friendly with - that's fine, but *every single one* of her friends was invited, and now they alllll having matching sweatshirts that serve as a constant reminder to my daughter that she didn't make the cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so heartbroken for my son and don’t want to try to fix this for him but want him to understand we are not always invited and it happens a to everyone at some point.

OP it's true that it happens to everyone at some point, but it's also true that kids tend to invite the people they know better, and the bar mitzvah doesn't know your DS very well. Talk with DS about friendship and his classmates, and then plan something fun over the weekend. Then, is there something more you can be doing to help your DS with his shyness?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry your son wasn’t invited. Was your DS a friend of this bar mitzvah kid? Did they ever do anything together or were they teammates? How does your DS know who else on the class was not invited? The reality is at this age, parents allow their kids to decide who is invited to their events. I would work on his shyness and increasing his friend group.

[Anonymous]

The party will come and go and then it will be forgotten.

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to your child. These moments when you find out you were not invited to something are so painful. We have all been there and I empathize with that feeling. We tend to feel bad about ourselves but I did want to offer you a little bit of a different perspective.

I am throwing one of these soon. Our budget isn’t low but there are all kinds of complicated circumstances that go into a guest list. The venues in this area really do have space constraints. I found it hard to find a place that could accommodate 150 because we have large families. Other nice venues are even tighter and have lower limits. Some kids we are inviting are obligatory cousins, kids of my close friends, kids who invited my kid to theirs, etc. Don’t get me started on the plus one adults we are including for close family but whom we and our kids have never met. When all was said and done, I gave my child a number and that’s how many he could have. There were kids like your kid who, as my kid went through his list, my kid might have said “he seems nice but he’s new and I don’t really know him and haven’t ever talked to him.” It might be as simple as that. There were some kids just like that who seem lovely to me, but that my kid doesn’t plan to invite. It’s likely not an act to exclude and doesn’t mean there are any negative feelings towards your son.

I think the best way forward is to empathize with your son but remind him relationships are so fluid at this age and he could have all different connections next year. Give benefit of the doubt that this was a snapshot in time and not an indication that he can never be friends with this person in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a good weekend to take him to see grandma or a weekend trip? That way if kids ask on Monday why he wasn’t there, he can say something other than “I wasn’t invited.” Maybe a weekend for Hershey park?

This is not the way to go. He wasn't invited. You aren't always going to be invited. You don't need to be everyone's cup of tea. We don't all have to like each other.
This just tells your kid he should feel bad. He shouldn't! Everyone isn't friends with everyone past age 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry your son wasn’t invited. Was your DS a friend of this bar mitzvah kid? Did they ever do anything together or were they teammates? How does your DS know who else on the class was not invited? The reality is at this age, parents allow their kids to decide who is invited to their events. I would work on his shyness and increasing his friend group.

+1
I'm sorry for your son but he's focused on the wrong thing. This is a key religious and cultural milestone in someone's life and if you're not friends with the person you shouldn't expect to share in their big day. This is an important lesson to learn. The focus on the party and the famous musician is just so wrong.

DD wasn't invited to a big bar mitzvah that her entire friend group was attending. I felt upset for her as I'm friendly with the mother and they are all part of the same big group and go out together every week. But when I asked DD she just shrugged because of all the friends in the friend group she and the other girl are the least close and they don't really talk so it made perfect sense to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a good weekend to take him to see grandma or a weekend trip? That way if kids ask on Monday why he wasn’t there, he can say something other than “I wasn’t invited.” Maybe a weekend for Hershey park?

This is not the way to go. He wasn't invited. You aren't always going to be invited. You don't need to be everyone's cup of tea. We don't all have to like each other.
This just tells your kid he should feel bad. He shouldn't! Everyone isn't friends with everyone past age 4.

What's wrong with the suggestion that OP take her child somewhere else fun for the weekend? I don't see the conflict between that and your point. You can recognize that not everyone is invited to everything while at the same time recognizing that it's a bummer if your a 7th grader.

[Anonymous]

Tell him he actually dodged a bullet - the 2-3 hour services are really hard to sit through!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to your child. These moments when you find out you were not invited to something are so painful. We have all been there and I empathize with that feeling. We tend to feel bad about ourselves but I did want to offer you a little bit of a different perspective.

I am throwing one of these soon. Our budget isn’t low but there are all kinds of complicated circumstances that go into a guest list. The venues in this area really do have space constraints. I found it hard to find a place that could accommodate 150 because we have large families. Other nice venues are even tighter and have lower limits. Some kids we are inviting are obligatory cousins, kids of my close friends, kids who invited my kid to theirs, etc. Don’t get me started on the plus one adults we are including for close family but whom we and our kids have never met. When all was said and done, I gave my child a number and that’s how many he could have. There were kids like your kid who, as my kid went through his list, my kid might have said “he seems nice but he’s new and I don’t really know him and haven’t ever talked to him.” It might be as simple as that. There were some kids just like that who seem lovely to me, but that my kid doesn’t plan to invite. It’s likely not an act to exclude and doesn’t mean there are any negative feelings towards your son.

I think the best way forward is to empathize with your son but remind him relationships are so fluid at this age and he could have all different connections next year. Give benefit of the doubt that this was a snapshot in time and not an indication that he can never be friends with this person in the future.

NP and I certainly understand what you're saying but I still think it's rude to invite all but a few kids from one grade/group of friends. If you are trying to be considerate of others' feelings, either you try to keep the party on the smaller side (only invite your family members and closest friends so lots of kids are left out) or you invite everyone. You can choose to be inclusive or exclusive. It's not just about venue space constraints, it's about how much you care about hurting kids' feelings. My kids (yes, even in middle school) know they can either choose a smaller party w/ just a few friends, a medium sized party where for example half the class or half the social group is included so those left out don't feel that they're the only ones left out or a party that includes literally everyone. It is not nice to have a medium-large party where you invite all but 3 kids or something which is what it sounds like happened in OP's case.

[Anonymous]

Spend the would-have-been gift money on an activity for kid and a friend.

Hang out with more gentiles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happened to my daughter and a memorable event from her middle school years - someone that she was friends with didn't invite her but invited other of her friends. To cap it off, everyone wore their sweatshirt branded with the kid's name to school on Monday - good times. All that said, we explained that sometimes you don't get invited and it doesn't mean you're not friends - and did something fun with her that weekend.

I *detest* those sweatshirts. My daughter didn't make the cut list for a girl she was friendly with - that's fine, but *every single one* of her friends was invited, and now they alllll having matching sweatshirts that serve as a constant reminder to my daughter that she didn't make the cut.

That is such mean kid behavior. The parents who allow this (both the party host's parents and those who allow their kids to wear those shirts to school, IMO) are probably not very considerate or kind people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happened to my daughter and a memorable event from her middle school years - someone that she was friends with didn't invite her but invited other of her friends. To cap it off, everyone wore their sweatshirt branded with the kid's name to school on Monday - good times. All that said, we explained that sometimes you don't get invited and it doesn't mean you're not friends - and did something fun with her that weekend.

I *detest* those sweatshirts. My daughter didn't make the cut list for a girl she was friendly with - that's fine, but *every single one* of her friends was invited, and now they alllll having matching sweatshirts that serve as a constant reminder to my daughter that she didn't make the cut.

What kind of personal middle school event has sweatshirts? Not being snarky. Honestly can't imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happened to my daughter and a memorable event from her middle school years - someone that she was friends with didn't invite her but invited other of her friends. To cap it off, everyone wore their sweatshirt branded with the kid's name to school on Monday - good times. All that said, we explained that sometimes you don't get invited and it doesn't mean you're not friends - and did something fun with her that weekend.

I *detest* those sweatshirts. My daughter didn't make the cut list for a girl she was friendly with - that's fine, but *every single one* of her friends was invited, and now they alllll having matching sweatshirts that serve as a constant reminder to my daughter that she didn't make the cut.

That is such mean kid behavior. The parents who allow this (both the party host's parents and those who allow their kids to wear those shirts to school, IMO) are probably not very considerate or kind people.

It's an unfortunate side effect of a decades-old dumb tradition of conspicuous consumption. They aren't trying to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a good weekend to take him to see grandma or a weekend trip? That way if kids ask on Monday why he wasn’t there, he can say something other than “I wasn’t invited.” Maybe a weekend for Hershey park?

This is not the way to go. He wasn't invited. You aren't always going to be invited. You don't need to be everyone's cup of tea. We don't all have to like each other.
This just tells your kid he should feel bad. He shouldn't! Everyone isn't friends with everyone past age 4.

What's wrong with the suggestion that OP take her child somewhere else fun for the weekend? I don't see the conflict between that and your point. You can recognize that not everyone is invited to everything while at the same time recognizing that it's a bummer if your a 7th grader.

I suspect these posters would be furious and threatening divorce if their DH didn't at least clean the kitchen after they'd had a rough day of work. Not sure why they torture their children.