DS heartbroken he’s one of the only kids not invited to bar mitzvah

[Anonymous]

I need advice on to support my son as he deals with feeling excluded. My son is so sweet and painfully shy so he hasn’t connected with a lot of kids in his 7th grade class. He just realized this weekend that he’s only of a handful of kids not invited to a bar mitzvah. The few friends he has are invited. The parents of the boy having the party are very wealthy and are having a famous musician perform so it’s all the kids are going to talk about. I feel so heartbroken for my son and don’t want to try to fix this for him but want him to understand we are not always invited and it happens a to everyone at some point. Any tips that have worked to help your kids overcome this?

[Anonymous]

That's hard. Can you have a specific dinner out with him that day?

[Anonymous]

This is part of why I really detest OTT bar mitzvahs, that make it more about the party than the service.

[Anonymous]

Totally hard. I’m sorry. Just try to do something else fun that day. This will pass but will probably bum him out for the rest of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part of why I really detest OTT bar mitzvahs, that make it more about the party than the service.

Me too. This is a symbol of over the top privilege and indulgence that only leaves kids feeling entitled and other feeling hurt and angry. It is gross. My friend’s daughters Quinceañera cost more than our wedding did. The whole thing is too much. OP this is a great opportunity to teach resilience and adaptability.

[Anonymous]

Middle school is hard enough. I blame the parents who allow their kids to exclude, especially when finances aren’t a factor.

[Anonymous]

He isn't friends with the kids, so why would he expect to be invited?

[Anonymous]

How good friends is he with the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part of why I really detest OTT bar mitzvahs, that make it more about the party than the service.

.+1 - a famous musician?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How good friends is he with the kid?

Ummmmmmm NP……but Isn’t this a question best answered by the evidence that he was not invited to the kid’s bar mitzvah and most of the other kids in the class were?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle school is hard enough. I blame the parents who allow their kids to exclude, especially when finances aren’t a factor.

This. Sounds like a big party and it doesn’t sound like your son is trouble, just shy. They should have included him.

I would try to have low key fun with him, allowing him to isolate a little if he wants but mostly popping some popcorn and watching Austin Powers #1 as a family. Let him know he is safe and loved and that sometimes people suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need advice on to support my son as he deals with feeling excluded. My son is so sweet and painfully shy so he hasn’t connected with a lot of kids in his 7th grade class. He just realized this weekend that he’s only of a handful of kids not invited to a bar mitzvah. The few friends he has are invited. The parents of the boy having the party are very wealthy and are having a famous musician perform so it’s all the kids are going to talk about. I feel so heartbroken for my son and don’t want to try to fix this for him but want him to understand we are not always invited and it happens a to everyone at some point. Any tips that have worked to help your kids overcome this?

Agree to PPs, but also wanted to add that you should reach out the school advisor/dean/counselor to hear about how your son comes across at school. Generally, even painfully shy kids who are kind/sweet are typically not excluded. Is he brand new to his school? If not, it's worth hearing from the school about his social skills during the school day. As a formally painfully shy kid myself, we can sometimes come across as aloof or rude. He could be putting something out there that is rubbing people the wrong way. If this is the case, helping him see how behaviors can get in the way of friendship development could be a great step for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle school is hard enough. I blame the parents who allow their kids to exclude, especially when finances aren’t a factor.

This. Sounds like a big party and it doesn’t sound like your son is trouble, just shy. They should have included him.

I would try to have low key fun with him, allowing him to isolate a little if he wants but mostly popping some popcorn and watching Austin Powers #1 as a family. Let him know he is safe and loved and that sometimes people suck.

My dc hasn't been invited to a few bar mitzvahs or birthday parties but I didn't try to villainize the other kid. What kind of message is that saying? Sometimes you're not invited to stuff for whatever reasons. Not everyone is going to like you. It's life. It doesn't make them bad kids who suck imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part of why I really detest OTT bar mitzvahs, that make it more about the party than the service.

Grow up - it’s one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How good friends is he with the kid?

Ummmmmmm NP……but Isn’t this a question best answered by the evidence that he was not invited to the kid’s bar mitzvah and most of the other kids in the class were?

Well, we have posters lamenting "exclusionary behavior." Not only do you not have to invite everyone, you really don't have to invite someone you haven't exchanged 10 words with. I was giving the benefit of the doubt that there is some reason to be justified in feeling heartbroken. There isn't.