DS heartbroken he’s one of the only kids not invited to bar mitzvah

[Anonymous]

I hate glorified birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

I was a painfully shy kid. I wish someone had tried to help me figure out how to navigate friendships in school, and even help me deal with the shyness.

This might be a crazy idea, but I wonder if it wouldn't help mitigate the sting of not getting invited if you addressed the shyness, and say something like: Let's start working on figuring out how to make more friends. (This sounds half insane as I type it. But after something happens, I always feel better if I come up with a way to hopefully make it not happen again.)

Those saying, suck it up, kid, while that would be nice, but really hard to do in life, much less in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How good friends is he with the kid?

Ummmmmmm NP……but Isn’t this a question best answered by the evidence that he was not invited to the kid’s bar mitzvah and most of the other kids in the class were?

Well, we have posters lamenting "exclusionary behavior." Not only do you not have to invite everyone, you really don't have to invite someone you haven't exchanged 10 words with. I was giving the benefit of the doubt that there is some reason to be justified in feeling heartbroken. There isn't.

DP. You are speaking as an adult. We are trying to help the mom deal with her kid. When you're a kid it isn't about being justified or not being heartbroken. He just is. The mom can help him see that he isn't good friends with the boy, so it makes sense he wouldn't be invited, sure. But I bet there are a bunch of kids who aren't best friends who are invited.

The issue is helping the kid get the skills to be included, if that's what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need advice on to support my son as he deals with feeling excluded. My son is so sweet and painfully shy so he hasn’t connected with a lot of kids in his 7th grade class. He just realized this weekend that he’s only of a handful of kids not invited to a bar mitzvah. The few friends he has are invited. The parents of the boy having the party are very wealthy and are having a famous musician perform so it’s all the kids are going to talk about. I feel so heartbroken for my son and don’t want to try to fix this for him but want him to understand we are not always invited and it happens a to everyone at some point. Any tips that have worked to help your kids overcome this?

Agree to PPs, but also wanted to add that you should reach out the school advisor/dean/counselor to hear about how your son comes across at school. Generally, even painfully shy kids who are kind/sweet are typically not excluded. Is he brand new to his school? If not, it's worth hearing from the school about his social skills during the school day. As a formally painfully shy kid myself, we can sometimes come across as aloof or rude. He could be putting something out there that is rubbing people the wrong way. If this is the case, helping him see how behaviors can get in the way of friendship development could be a great step for him.

Another shy person that was perceived as aloof.

OP, plan something fun to do the day of. Then help your kid develop social skills that he needs not just now but in adult life. Sometimes schools offer "lunch bunch" social skills help or you could seek it elsewhere. Does he do any teams or activities? Us shy folks tend to warm up once we know people, my parents insisted on one activity and one sport per season so I did not isolate.

If shy is a euphemism for untreated ADD (turns out I had both) that can make a big difference too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He isn't friends with the kids, so why would he expect to be invited?

Because it's become a de facto class party.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing to fix or do. Just say (or hopefully, remind him) that not everyone gets invited to everything, but missing out on seeing Pitbull or whoever sure does suck. It's not only okay but important for kids to feel the full spectrum of human emotions.

[Anonymous]

I would work on his ability to overcome that shyness to improve his social skills and connections. He doesn't need to have a big friend group or to be the life of the party but he needs to be able to interact with peers in a way that allows for the development of friendships.

[Anonymous]

Is this a good weekend to take him to see grandma or a weekend trip? That way if kids ask on Monday why he wasn’t there, he can say something other than “I wasn’t invited.” Maybe a weekend for Hershey park?

[Anonymous]

Happened to my daughter and a memorable event from her middle school years - someone that she was friends with didn't invite her but invited other of her friends. To cap it off, everyone wore their sweatshirt branded with the kid's name to school on Monday - good times. All that said, we explained that sometimes you don't get invited and it doesn't mean you're not friends - and did something fun with her that weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is part of why I really detest OTT bar mitzvahs, that make it more about the party than the service.

Grow up - it’s one day.

Nonsensical comment of the day

[Anonymous]

OP keep this in mind- this too shall pass. Seriously. It may be a painful day or so after when they talk about this party, but then it will be over and done with. There's nothing you can do, aside from come up with good distractions and talk to him and validate his feelings and get through it. Hugs to both of you.

[Anonymous]

These things cost $150-300 a head and no one’s obligated to invite people they barely know or aren’t friendly with just for “inclusion.” It’s not a bowling alley party or the local park, it’s often an entire weekend. But the focus should still be on meaningfulness not extravagant competitive displays of wealth and social competition.

[Anonymous]

It used to be the rule that children should not talk about parties in front of other people that are not invited. It's sad that all that wealth cannot buy class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle school is hard enough. I blame the parents who allow their kids to exclude, especially when finances aren’t a factor.

This. Sounds like a big party and it doesn’t sound like your son is trouble, just shy. They should have included him.

I would try to have low key fun with him, allowing him to isolate a little if he wants but mostly popping some popcorn and watching Austin Powers #1 as a family. Let him know he is safe and loved and that sometimes people suck.

My dc hasn't been invited to a few bar mitzvahs or birthday parties but I didn't try to villainize the other kid. What kind of message is that saying? Sometimes you're not invited to stuff for whatever reasons. Not everyone is going to like you. It's life. It doesn't make them bad kids who suck imo.

+100% Yes it sucks to feel left out but it’s a normal part of life. Better to help your kid navigate this in a healthy way because it won’t be the last time he feels left out of something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It used to be the rule that children should not talk about parties in front of other people that are not invited. It's sad that all that wealth cannot buy class

Children aren't going to abide by rules their parents, who are supposedly their role models, don't abide by. Social media full of adults flaunting every get together they have to all their friends, acquaintainces, and family members who presumably weren't all invited. Kids are copying the adult behavior.