Reply to DS heartbroken he’s one of the only kids not invited to bar mitzvah

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My heart goes out to your child. These moments when you find out you were not invited to something are so painful. We have all been there and I empathize with that feeling. We tend to feel bad about ourselves but I did want to offer you a little bit of a different perspective.

I am throwing one of these soon. Our budget isn’t low but there are all kinds of complicated  circumstances that go into a guest list. [b]The venues in this area really do have space constraints. I found it hard to find a place that could accommodate 150 because we have large families. Other nice venues are even tighter and have lower limits. Some kids we are inviting are obligatory cousins, kids of my close friends, kids who invited my kid to theirs, etc. Don’t get me started on the plus one adults we are including for close family but whom we and our kids have never met. When all was said and done, I gave my child a number and that’s how many he could have. There were kids like your kid who, as my kid went through his list, my kid might have said “he seems nice but he’s new and I don’t really know him and haven’t ever talked to him.” It might be as simple as that. There were some kids just like that who seem lovely to me, but that my kid doesn’t plan to invite. It’s likely not an act to exclude and doesn’t mean there are any negative feelings towards your son. [/b]

I think the best way forward is to empathize with your son but remind him relationships are so fluid at this age and he could have all different connections next year. Give benefit of the doubt that this was a snapshot in time and not an indication that he can never be friends with this person in the future. [/quote]

NP and I certainly understand what you're saying but I still think it's rude to invite all but a few kids from one grade/group of friends. If you are trying to be considerate of others' feelings, either you try to keep the party on the smaller side (only invite your family members and closest friends so lots of kids are left out) or you invite everyone. You can choose to be inclusive or exclusive. It's not just about venue space constraints, it's about how much you care about hurting kids' feelings. My kids (yes, even in middle school) know they can either choose a smaller party w/ just a few friends, a medium sized party where for example half the class or half the social group is included so those left out don't feel that they're the only ones left out or a party that includes literally everyone. It is not nice to have a medium-large party where you invite all but 3 kids or something which is what it sounds like happened in OP's case.[/quote]

I’m the PP you’re responding to and I agree with you! But it’s not entirely clear whether the host really invited nearly all the kids from a small grade or whether it’s a larger pool. In our case, it’s a public with several hundred per grade so obviously we could never include all the kids. I also feel like there’s all kinds of push and pull with guest lists. My husband has a friend group from college that’s like 8 guys, but he’s not seen 2 in a really long time. Do you include them and their wives (and kids) so as to not hurt feelings in the group at the exclusion of 8-10 alternate guests who could be classmates my kid knows and sees every day but on the other hand don’t really have a deep history and may not be friends next school year? Tough choices.

All of this is to say, surely you’ve been in a situation where you are the one inviting and making the guest list. But even if you absolutely prioritize being inclusive and trying to avoid hurt feelings you will inadvertently need to make difficult cuts and risk someone feeling hurt. I will also say I have personally taken extraordinary pains to include people who may have been excluded by others and you know what? Inexplicably, those people either decline the invite or flake/no show. 
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