Would you go on a trip with a friend who doesn’t ever want to meet locally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meant to say she has been depressed and avoiding, not divorced and avoiding.

Maybe.

If she has been depressed it is a reasonable excuse for her to have actively avoided you in the past.
For many people, going through a divorce can be life-altering in a very negative manner.

I would take this time to catch up w/her & just see how things go.

She has always taken break ups very hard. She had 3 very serious boyfriends previously who didn’t marry her and she was devastated by them. I thought her husband was so good for her and she would get her happily ever after but it didn’t work out that way.

When she is in a positive place, she is amazing, so much fun and an absolute joy. When she is mad, she gets scary mad and her silent treatment can be ice cold. I’m a friend who lives out of state. We have always lived in different states since childhood. It seems like she has been in a bad place since her divorce. I have tried to be there for her, encourage her, check up on her, give her space, try to see her, wish her a happy birthday, try to see her during the holidays, etc. Not sure what more I can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Local is Bethesda to Reston, not MD to NC. You are long distance friends.

It will be more fun to see each other on vacay than driving up and down 95 for 12 hours round trip to spend a whole weekend drinking wine in someone’s guest room IMO but YMMV.

I changed states. Think MD to NYC.

STILL long distance.

Our friendship since childhood has been long distance. We went to college in different states. We have lived in the same city at different times. She has lived abroad and came back. I have lived up and down the east coast for college, grad school, jobs and most recently, DH’s job.

Prior to Covid, we have taken turns visiting one another, going to close by resorts, going on vacations to Asia, Europe, Middle East, South America. She was my best friend.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad for my friend. I wish her well. I will be here if and when she needs or wants to see or talk.

[Anonymous]

She can find me on DCUM when she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can find me on DCUM when she wants.

I know you are mocking me. I don’t want to talk about this with other friends. I told Dh about it briefly and he doesn’t care. He thinks she is a train wreck. Dh doesn’t understand why I put up with her flakiness. To him, she is just an unreliable, flaky and bad friend.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she wants to visit to connect in a fun, light, positive place away from all the baggage. Her home life is divorce and a parent passing away. She doesn't want to bring you into that. Yours is a DH and 3 kids which is probably hard for her in some ways.

2 of you is like "old times." But you sound very un-empathetic, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is always quick to return a text and calls me. She just won’t see me in person.

For the past decade, I often would visit her, maybe once or twice per year. I would get a hotel for a night or two, loved the little break from my kids and had a great time. Depending on where she lived, if she was single, she would either stay with me at my hotel or I would stay with her at her place. I have stayed over her apartment and her family home many times so it isn’t about shame of her home or anything like that. She seems to not want to see me in person. I just tried again to see her next weekend and she declined.

You’re being super pushy. She has invited you on the work trip. Go to that. Why do you need so badly to see her on your terms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meant to say she has been depressed and avoiding, not divorced and avoiding.

Maybe.

If she has been depressed it is a reasonable excuse for her to have actively avoided you in the past.
For many people, going through a divorce can be life-altering in a very negative manner.

I would take this time to catch up w/her & just see how things go.

She has always taken break ups very hard. She had 3 very serious boyfriends previously who didn’t marry her and she was devastated by them. I thought her husband was so good for her and she would get her happily ever after but it didn’t work out that way.

When she is in a positive place, she is amazing, so much fun and an absolute joy. When she is mad, she gets scary mad and her silent treatment can be ice cold. I’m a friend who lives out of state. We have always lived in different states since childhood. It seems like she has been in a bad place since her divorce. I have tried to be there for her, encourage her, check up on her, give her space, try to see her, wish her a happy birthday, try to see her during the holidays, etc. Not sure what more I can do.

You can just go on the trip she invited you on already, for heaven’s sake!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s embarrassed by where she lives or her circumstances but she has a chance to see you elsewhere and where work pays for a better hotel than what her home looks like.

I live with a semi-hoarder in a small home so that’s my guess.

I was going to say she’s probably struggling financially at least vis an vis OP and may be embarrassed about that, living situation, car she’s driving, and lacks spending money. A lot of women are screwed financially after a divorce; lots of bankruptcies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is always quick to return a text and calls me. She just won’t see me in person.

For the past decade, I often would visit her, maybe once or twice per year. I would get a hotel for a night or two, loved the little break from my kids and had a great time. Depending on where she lived, if she was single, she would either stay with me at my hotel or I would stay with her at her place. I have stayed over her apartment and her family home many times so it isn’t about shame of her home or anything like that. She seems to not want to see me in person. I just tried again to see her next weekend and she declined.

You’re being super pushy. She has invited you on the work trip. Go to that. Why do you need so badly to see her on your terms?

It is her birthday next week. She told me she had no plans. She is not working over the weekend. Maybe trying to see my friend on or close to her birthday makes me a bad pushy friend. We were happy and excited for our trip. She said she missed me and couldn’t wait see me. I happened to be available so I said let’s do something like we have done in decades past. Then she became withdrawn and uncomfortable because I wanted to see her. I would 100% be ok if she had plans with others. I genuinely didn’t want her to be alone.

This is a friend who would bring me a cupcake or cake on my birthday every year. She has brought me cake while I was in the hospital. We have celebrated many birthdays together domestically and internationally. Her work trip was close to my birthday and in a very desirable location and we got excited to celebrate the way we used to. Depending on how far we lived, we would celebrate hers and mine, sometimes together or separately or both. It has been a decades long tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is always quick to return a text and calls me. She just won’t see me in person.

For the past decade, I often would visit her, maybe once or twice per year. I would get a hotel for a night or two, loved the little break from my kids and had a great time. Depending on where she lived, if she was single, she would either stay with me at my hotel or I would stay with her at her place. I have stayed over her apartment and her family home many times so it isn’t about shame of her home or anything like that. She seems to not want to see me in person. I just tried again to see her next weekend and she declined.

You’re being super pushy. She has invited you on the work trip. Go to that. Why do you need so badly to see her on your terms?

It is her birthday next week. She told me she had no plans. She is not working over the weekend. Maybe trying to see my friend on or close to her birthday makes me a bad pushy friend. We were happy and excited for our trip. She said she missed me and couldn’t wait see me. I happened to be available so I said let’s do something like we have done in decades past. Then she became withdrawn and uncomfortable because I wanted to see her. I would 100% be ok if she had plans with others. I genuinely didn’t want her to be alone.

This is a friend who would bring me a cupcake or cake on my birthday every year. She has brought me cake while I was in the hospital. We have celebrated many birthdays together domestically and internationally. Her work trip was close to my birthday and in a very desirable location and we got excited to celebrate the way we used to. Depending on how far we lived, we would celebrate hers and mine, sometimes together or separately or both. It has been a decades long tradition.

Hate to say it, but you blew it. She has some reason for preferring to see you in the neutral vacation spot. You 2 were excited.

Then you pushed her to meet where she has repeatedly expressed discomfort, rather than accepting her & her limitations & looking forward to the little trip.

You’re defending yourself over because you’re still looking at this from your POV, when multiple people on the board are telling you - she’s struggling. She once came to meet you in the hospital, so do the same for her - meet her where she is able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is always quick to return a text and calls me. She just won’t see me in person.

For the past decade, I often would visit her, maybe once or twice per year. I would get a hotel for a night or two, loved the little break from my kids and had a great time. Depending on where she lived, if she was single, she would either stay with me at my hotel or I would stay with her at her place. I have stayed over her apartment and her family home many times so it isn’t about shame of her home or anything like that. She seems to not want to see me in person. I just tried again to see her next weekend and she declined.

You’re being super pushy. She has invited you on the work trip. Go to that. Why do you need so badly to see her on your terms?

It is her birthday next week. She told me she had no plans. She is not working over the weekend. Maybe trying to see my friend on or close to her birthday makes me a bad pushy friend. We were happy and excited for our trip. She said she missed me and couldn’t wait see me. I happened to be available so I said let’s do something like we have done in decades past. Then she became withdrawn and uncomfortable because I wanted to see her. I would 100% be ok if she had plans with others. I genuinely didn’t want her to be alone.

This is a friend who would bring me a cupcake or cake on my birthday every year. She has brought me cake while I was in the hospital. We have celebrated many birthdays together domestically and internationally. Her work trip was close to my birthday and in a very desirable location and we got excited to celebrate the way we used to. Depending on how far we lived, we would celebrate hers and mine, sometimes together or separately or both. It has been a decades long tradition.

Hate to say it, but you blew it. She has some reason for preferring to see you in the neutral vacation spot. You 2 were excited.

Then you pushed her to meet where she has repeatedly expressed discomfort, rather than accepting her & her limitations & looking forward to the little trip.

You’re defending yourself over because you’re still looking at this from your POV, when multiple people on the board are telling you - she’s struggling. She once came to meet you in the hospital, so do the same for her - meet her where she is able.

I’m very well aware that she is struggling. She has been in a bad place for over five years.

I don’t think I blew it. There have been other trips and meetings that we have talked about that never happened over the past few years.

I try to understand her and make excuses for her. DH thinks she is unstable and flaky. He does not appreciate our long history and only sees her for who she is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is always quick to return a text and calls me. She just won’t see me in person.

For the past decade, I often would visit her, maybe once or twice per year. I would get a hotel for a night or two, loved the little break from my kids and had a great time. Depending on where she lived, if she was single, she would either stay with me at my hotel or I would stay with her at her place. I have stayed over her apartment and her family home many times so it isn’t about shame of her home or anything like that. She seems to not want to see me in person. I just tried again to see her next weekend and she declined.

Omg, yes, get over yourself and go.

[Anonymous]

Op is a troll or quite autistic. She just cannot stop posting total repetitive nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is a troll or quite autistic. She just cannot stop posting total repetitive nonsense.

Hate when people throw special needs around. I am not autistic. I gave additional background information.

While I have written a lot on here, I minimal interaction with friend from when she invited me, that I would like to go to trying to see her on or around her birthday and her saying she does not want to extend her work trip.