Would you go on a trip with a friend who doesn’t ever want to meet locally?

[Anonymous]

OP, have you actually asked your friend about this? Can you possibly have an honest conversation? If so, approach it from place of confusion/compassion. Say upfront that you'd love to see her on this vacation, but feel a little strange about it, because you get the sense she's been avoiding you.

It may help to write a long email. It could be a misunderstanding or your friend could open up about her struggles.

I probably would not plan a vacation in this situation, without at least an acknowledgment that something has been off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

If you’re asking her to drive from North Carolina to Maryland to hang out with you for a couple hours, I’m surprised she’s still friends with you at all.

I already said I would drive to her and the location was 3-4 hours.

I’m probably going to decline.

Good. Hopefully she finds better friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t you go?

1-You clearly want to see her, since you are extending invites to get together.

2-Obviously your friend is truly struggling with something that has been preventing her from seeing you in person, although she still really cares about you since she responds to calls/messages. Who knows what - depression, agoraphobia, anxiety, jealousy over your marriage/kids, fear of going out at night, could be anything.

I would go - you want to see her, & if you cared about her at all, maybe the trip will help her with whatever she’s struggling with so you guys can resume seeing each other once back home.

I’m not sure if she is flaky or she is afraid of being out or what. I hold on to memories of the past and our relationship has been different since her divorce. Her divorce seems to have changed her to the core.

She will randomly invite me on a ski trip. I will move heaven and earth to try to make it and then she tells me the trip is off.

She will ask to do a girls trip and never pick a date. She will be the one who starts the conversation and then seems bothered by my trying to lock down a date.

As mentioned, I have not seen her in five years. Every time I try to see her, she declines. She excitedly says she wants to vacation with me and misses me but shuts down when I try to see her sooner. I know she isn’t working and she already said she had no plans besides work. She didn’t even give an excuse. She said let’s just meet at X destination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

If you’re asking her to drive from North Carolina to Maryland to hang out with you for a couple hours, I’m surprised she’s still friends with you at all.

I already said I would drive to her and the location was 3-4 hours.

I’m probably going to decline.

A 4 hour drive is not a day trip. Most people won’t do that unless it’s for a very good reason like driving from an off-tour place to NYC to see Beyonce or Taylor Swift.

I think you might have an unrealistic expectation that your friendship will look exactly as it did 5 years ago, pre-Covid when she was single and probably still in her twenties. Distance is a real barrier, frankly.

She might have been receptive to an offer to vacation together from you even, but you’re just really stuck on this 8 hr trip to do not anything particularly special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

If you’re asking her to drive from North Carolina to Maryland to hang out with you for a couple hours, I’m surprised she’s still friends with you at all.

I already said I would drive to her and the location was 3-4 hours.

I’m probably going to decline.

A 4 hour drive is not a day trip. Most people won’t do that unless it’s for a very good reason like driving from an off-tour place to NYC to see Beyonce or Taylor Swift.

I think you might have an unrealistic expectation that your friendship will look exactly as it did 5 years ago, pre-Covid when she was single and probably still in her twenties. Distance is a real barrier, frankly.

She might have been receptive to an offer to vacation together from you even, but you’re just really stuck on this 8 hr trip to do not anything particularly special.

We are in our forties. I have known her for over thirty years.

For over five years, she has cancelled or declined every effort. This is not about next week. I already said she does not have to drive at all so it isn’t about some 8 hour trip. She actually lives on the way to my parents’ house so we literally drive by her multiple times per year. I could exit off the highway and be at her place with a 10 min detour. That is how I would see her for a decade. I would have lunch or spend a night or she would come see me near my parents. Before I had kids and when we were younger, she would come to me at my parents often.

Both she and my parents would be a long day trip but I have done it many times. My parents are elderly and I have gone to check on them and drive back on the same day.

[Anonymous]

She invited you on a trip. You say she’s done so in the past and flaked so either say yes and see if she flakes again (and if so then maybe stop trying) or just say no because you don’t want to be stood up again and then stop trying to see her. You’re making this way more complicated than it needs to be. It sounds like she’s had a rough time so I’d try to make the trip work. But just relax about it. You’re turning it into a bigger deal and worrying about her motives, etc. People have lives, things happen, move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

Grow up OP.

You’re so fake & off or so self centered pls don’t go anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go and I would stop pushing her to meet in person in your location or hers. She extended the vacation invite to you and then you pushed again by asking to visit her next weekend? Back off. It comes across as if it's more important to see her in a specific location than it is to just see her. She's made it clear she's not up for visitors or visiting so let it go for awhile. I have friends who could easily visit me and I could easily visit them, but at this stage in our lives, it's more fun to take trips together. Just go and enjoy it.

I can’t explain it but it makes me somewhat suspicious or worried, like she is trying to hide something. I feel like she is avoiding me. She works from home so I don’t think she leaves the house.

I also wonder if she is even going to be there if I go to the destination. I have literally been by her supposed home over the past few years and she can’t ever meet. It makes me wonder where she actually lives. I don’t know what I’m even saying. Her behavior doesn’t add up and not sure why she even wants me to come on vacation.

There you go again. Me me me me me.


Maybe she has a horrible medical condition and has to give herself refrigerated shots in her stomach every four hours and her apartment is a mess and she can’t travel. Like MS patients.

Now she’s better and can.

Maybe she’ll tell you and open up.

Maybe she’ll realize you’re too self centered and stupid to understand and not say a word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

Grow up OP.

You’re so fake & off or so self centered pls don’t go anywhere.

I’m genuinely confused. I am fake because I am hesitant about traveling by plane to hang out with a person for almost a week with a person who has avoided seeing me in person for five years???

[Anonymous]

She could be a hoarder, especially since she absorbed all of her mother’s possessions after she died.

You feel sure she is not sad about her not having children, since she has been with your kids & you don’t hide your mom stuff. I can assure you she definitely could be sad to go to your house & see your kids. I know I struggled with that for a good while. It sounds like you haven’t talked with her about how she feels about this - did she have hopes of being a mom when you were younger? And now she does not have kids, is not married /trying to have kids, and her family is getting smaller with her mom’s passing. She’s not going to tell you “this is painful for me” - or at least I didn’t tell my friends. I put on a good face& cried on my way home after quite a few get-togethers with friends & their kids, even solo get togethers when they would just be telling me about their family life.

Maybe you are too close to the situation to see things clearly, but it sounds like she could be in pain for some obvious reasons. Maybe she thinks meeting you on neutral ground - not her location where she is foundering, or you location where you are with kids & family - would be the right place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

Grow up OP.

You’re so fake & off or so self centered pls don’t go anywhere.

I’m genuinely confused. I am fake because I am hesitant about traveling by plane to hang out with a person for almost a week with a person who has avoided seeing me in person for five years???

Call her and talk to her about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

Grow up OP.

You’re so fake & off or so self centered pls don’t go anywhere.

I’m genuinely confused. I am fake because I am hesitant about traveling by plane to hang out with a person for almost a week with a person who has avoided seeing me in person for five years???

Call her and talk to her about this.

She just cancelled as usual. She said she wants to just do the work trip and not extend.

It is the same as it has been for five years. We try to make a plan. She declines or cancels. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

Grow up OP.

You’re so fake & off or so self centered pls don’t go anywhere.

I’m genuinely confused. I am fake because I am hesitant about traveling by plane to hang out with a person for almost a week with a person who has avoided seeing me in person for five years???

You’re fake because you’re a Troll. You keep ramming ahead with your nonsense posts. Not reading or thinking or actually responding to anyone, except to be defensive and immature and Trollish again and again.

Stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the entire thread OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't go, frankly.

You wouldn’t be hesitant to go away for several days with a person who refuses to see you for a few hours?

I have seen her once in 5 years and she still refuses to see me.

Grow up OP.

You’re so fake & off or so self centered pls don’t go anywhere.

I’m genuinely confused. I am fake because I am hesitant about traveling by plane to hang out with a person for almost a week with a person who has avoided seeing me in person for five years???

Call her and talk to her about this.

She just cancelled as usual. She said she wants to just do the work trip and not extend.

It is the same as it has been for five years. We try to make a plan. She declines or cancels. The end.

Fascinating turn of events yet again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean it sounds like she went through a low patch where she was avoiding old friends but is now trying to get over it by extending this invitation. I wouldn’t let your pique get in the way of your decision — do you still like her/want to hang out with her? Is the trip affordable for you? Is it to a destination you genuinely want to visit?

Yes, the location is somewhere I want to go. Money is not an issue.


I actually tried to meet up again and willing to drive to her and she said let’s just meet up on the vacation. It makes me wonder if I want to travel with her if she won’t even meet me for several years.

She got divorced right before Covid. She moved in with her mother and she was sick and died. It has been a tough few years for her for sure. Her mom passed away over a year ago.

A couple of tough yrs is an understatement. So she gets divorced, moves in with her ill mother, cares for her for a couple of years - during COVID, and then her mom dies a yr ago. Now she has a milestone bday - maybe 40, when she might be facing the idea that she won’t be a mom. And you’re like “why won’t you meet me at Applebees for lunch?”

She is struggling. Go if you care about her & your friendship.