Would you go on a trip with a friend who doesn’t ever want to meet locally?

[Anonymous]

I have a close childhood friend who lives in another state (driving distance). Let’s say NC and I live in MD. She was my maid of honor at my wedding, planned by bridal shower, baby shower, etc. I was her maid of honor and threw her bridal shower. She never had kids and is now divorced. I believe she has been divorced and avoiding me and also others so it isn’t just me. We have a milestone birthday coming up. Our birthdays are a few weeks apart and we used to celebrate with a joint birthday trip or celebration for decades. Even when I was in the hospital, she would come visit with cake.

I have tried to meet up with her for years and she declines or makes excuses. She has a work related trip and invited me. I was excited but now I wonder if I should go even if she doesn’t want to see me locally for years. She says she will visit me but never does. When I try to see her, she declines or says it is a bad time.

Would you go on this trip with her?

[Anonymous]

Meant to say she has been depressed and avoiding, not divorced and avoiding.

[Anonymous]

I mean it sounds like she went through a low patch where she was avoiding old friends but is now trying to get over it by extending this invitation. I wouldn’t let your pique get in the way of your decision — do you still like her/want to hang out with her? Is the trip affordable for you? Is it to a destination you genuinely want to visit?

[Anonymous]

Go if you want to. Don't if you don't want to. Don't spend any time thinking overmuch about this.

But what does it even mean, spending time "locally" ... her local or your local? If she won't see you at HER house, maybe she's ashamed of her house/apartment/condo? If it is YOUR house, maybe she doesn't like your dog, is jealous of your kids, your husband hit on her.

I think a work trip sounds good.

[Anonymous]

You should go if you want to go and don't if you don't. Don't make it some transactional thing where you want us to affirm if she owes you or you owe her. The last several years includes the pandemic and the aftermath, maybe she was not ready to see people for that reason or because she was depressed. She is ready now so if you want to go, then go.

[Anonymous]

It's a risk and only you can decide if you want to take it. The fact that she invited you is an olive branch. If you're weary because it's been so long suggest getting together before the trip to catch up and plan things together. Be willing to drive/fly to her.

I wouldn't do a long trip but an extended weekend I would probably say ok if I want to go and can afford it, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean it sounds like she went through a low patch where she was avoiding old friends but is now trying to get over it by extending this invitation. I wouldn’t let your pique get in the way of your decision — do you still like her/want to hang out with her? Is the trip affordable for you? Is it to a destination you genuinely want to visit?

Yes, the location is somewhere I want to go. Money is not an issue.

I actually tried to meet up again and willing to drive to her and she said let’s just meet up on the vacation. It makes me wonder if I want to travel with her if she won’t even meet me for several years.

She got divorced right before Covid. She moved in with her mother and she was sick and died. It has been a tough few years for her for sure. Her mom passed away over a year ago.

[Anonymous]

She is always quick to return a text and calls me. She just won’t see me in person.

For the past decade, I often would visit her, maybe once or twice per year. I would get a hotel for a night or two, loved the little break from my kids and had a great time. Depending on where she lived, if she was single, she would either stay with me at my hotel or I would stay with her at her place. I have stayed over her apartment and her family home many times so it isn’t about shame of her home or anything like that. She seems to not want to see me in person. I just tried again to see her next weekend and she declined.

[Anonymous]

Before Covid and before her divorce, she and her husband came to visit us, stayed at our home. Our husbands were friends. She has visited me solo and with her sister who I also knew from childhood. We have also traveled together like I mentioned on my OP to celebrate our birthdays for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is always quick to return a text and calls me. She just won’t see me in person.

For the past decade, I often would visit her, maybe once or twice per year. I would get a hotel for a night or two, loved the little break from my kids and had a great time. Depending on where she lived, if she was single, she would either stay with me at my hotel or I would stay with her at her place. I have stayed over her apartment and her family home many times so it isn’t about shame of her home or anything like that. She seems to not want to see me in person. I just tried again to see her next weekend and she declined.

I have a friend a little bit like this but I believe she doesn't want to meet in person because she has become very obese (even though this wouldn't matter to me). If she is still refusing to meet you on local ground, I would not do a trip with her.

[Anonymous]

Local is Bethesda to Reston, not MD to NC. You are long distance friends.

It will be more fun to see each other on vacay than driving up and down 95 for 12 hours round trip to spend a whole weekend drinking wine in someone’s guest room IMO but YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she’s embarrassed by where she lives or her circumstances but she has a chance to see you elsewhere and where work pays for a better hotel than what her home looks like.

I live with a semi-hoarder in a small home so that’s my guess.

[Anonymous]

I would go. You live one life. This person is someone who has been important in your life. Give it a shot. If it is a crappy vacation, you can remember the good times you had and be clear that you are sort of done with her. And who knows, it may be a great vacation and she comes clean on what has gone on in her life. That is a great payoff. I would go. The upside fat exceeds the downside

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Local is Bethesda to Reston, not MD to NC. You are long distance friends.

It will be more fun to see each other on vacay than driving up and down 95 for 12 hours round trip to spend a whole weekend drinking wine in someone’s guest room IMO but YMMV.

I changed states. Think MD to NYC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Local is Bethesda to Reston, not MD to NC. You are long distance friends.

It will be more fun to see each other on vacay than driving up and down 95 for 12 hours round trip to spend a whole weekend drinking wine in someone’s guest room IMO but YMMV.

I changed states. Think MD to NYC.

It is roughly a 3-4 hour drive and can technically be a day trip but I usually spend a night or two. She has come down for just the day and driven back home. This was before she was married. She would just come visit me and the baby.