I do not know how to handle adult son’s dramatic change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

That's a positive.

That, among other things, is a troll flag. Ivies only do need based scholarships. So if she has a scholarship at the Ivy they both attend it just means she comes from a family who needs financial aid. She may very well be brilliant, but having a need based scholarship isn't the proof of that.

The other troll flag is all the calls about cooking. Most of the Ivies are residential for all or most of the time at the school. Even Columbia is 90% on campus housing. Most dorms don't have cooking facilities that support producing "restaurant quality meals". Maybe by senior year, but that's apparently when the calls stopped.

Troll better OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

That's a positive.

That, among other things, is a troll flag. Ivies only do need based scholarships. So if she has a scholarship at the Ivy they both attend it just means she comes from a family who needs financial aid. She may very well be brilliant, but having a need based scholarship isn't the proof of that.

The other troll flag is all the calls about cooking. Most of the Ivies are residential for all or most of the time at the school. Even Columbia is 90% on campus housing. Most dorms don't have cooking facilities that support producing "restaurant quality meals". Maybe by senior year, but that's apparently when the calls stopped.

Troll better OP.

Wow, how do people become so sanctimonious in an anonymous forum?

My son's girlfriend comes from a low-income family. She is studying on a need-based scholarship, and her GPA remains consistently at 4.0 even by her senior year, which I consider academically brilliant.

My son has been cooking as a hobby since he was 16. He prepared gourmet cuisine at home during high school and his freshman year (due to COVID closure), and continued to do so in the dorm/apartment since sophomore year, where there was always access to a kitchen. He primarily utilized the kitchen in his Club House for his sophomore year. What calls do you think stopped in his senior year?

[Anonymous]

It's acceptable to not assist, but it's unacceptable to label someone as a troll simply because their views do not align with your own worldview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He called you every day? That is mother-son enmeshment. It makes him vunerable to repeating the same enmeshment with his romantic relationships. How is your relationship with your DH? Your son shouldn't have had to be a "fixer" if it wasn't a dysfunctional household.

My son was always ready to assist my husband with various household tasks, be it changing tires, repairing the french door, or fixing appliances when they malfunctioned. He has fixed our dishwasher, microwave, and dryer. He loved to surf YouTube and find solutions for everything. Nothing dysfunctional; all in all, he was a dream kid. That is why his disengagement worries me to no end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you every day? That is mother-son enmeshment. It makes him vunerable to repeating the same enmeshment with his romantic relationships. How is your relationship with your DH? Your son shouldn't have had to be a "fixer" if it wasn't a dysfunctional household.

My son was always ready to assist my husband with various household tasks, be it changing tires, repairing the french door, or fixing appliances when they malfunctioned. He has fixed our dishwasher, microwave, and dryer. He loved to surf YouTube and find solutions for everything. Nothing dysfunctional; all in all, he was a dream kid. That is why his disengagement worries me to no end.

It is unusual to text or call a parent every day.

[Anonymous]

It is not unusual for teenagers or young adults to experience dramatic changes with their first love or serious relationship. My college daughter, once a great student, doesn’t care about school anymore. Her new found love live is her main focus. It is sad and hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

I agree, he sounds like a dream kid, which is not developmentally normal. Not that he’s abnormal, just that what you/he experienced was NOT normal teenage development, where they separate from their parents, rebel a little, spread their wings/soil the nest, etc.

There are about 700+ posts on here complaining about teens for a reason. Because there is a developmentally appropriate stage where the teen rejects the family unit in favor of independence/peers.

Your child is experiencing this phase, albeit a little delayed. That may have a little more serious consequences, but I would say do the same as parents who are dealing with this in their 16 year olds who now have all the answers & their first infatuation - be the grounding, stable, loving presence he needs. Don’t get rocked by his rebellions & new reluctance to call you every day & fix your dishwasher. Just welcome him when he is up for engaging. He’s growing & gaining independence & that’s probably a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a Wallis/Meghan situation

What?

It’s funny but I totally got this reference.
Tortured love.
The boy (in the example above it is the former King of Britain—Elizabeth’s uncle who abdicated the thrown for his divorcée love, Wallis Simpson…and Prince Harry who fell for his love Meghan Markle) falls head over heels for a woman who is of very strong personality. She showers him with affection and attention, but is also a master manipulator in removing the affection or threatening to remove it when/if she doesn’t get what she wants. This includes getting into his ear and telling him how his family or friends are out to get him or are hurting him in ways that she can’t bear and he must choose.
At times he knows her influence can be toxic and bad for him, and almost always comes with drama…but he also feels torn because she professes to be FOR him in a way that others are not…and it’s an “us against the world” mind f@$&.

Unfortunately for mom, the only way to play this is to shower the girlfriend with love and praise and try to out-manipulate her by convincing her that you believe she is the best thing to ever happen to him. At least then, mom will continue to be in his life.
And when he does eventually wise up, mom can instantly drop the charade unless they have children together by then…

[Anonymous]

OP, what are his plans after he graduates? Is there a job or grad school aligned for him or her? She is on financial aid so probably no debt, what about your son? Is he concerned about future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are his plans after he graduates? Is there a job or grad school aligned for him or her? She is on financial aid so probably no debt, what about your son? Is he concerned about future?

I mentioned this upthread - after graduation he plans to start a job in DMV area. He plans to move back home to save money before going for higher studies. She plans to work in NY area before pursuing higher studies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

That's a positive.

That, among other things, is a troll flag. Ivies only do need based scholarships. So if she has a scholarship at the Ivy they both attend it just means she comes from a family who needs financial aid. She may very well be brilliant, but having a need based scholarship isn't the proof of that.

The other troll flag is all the calls about cooking. Most of the Ivies are residential for all or most of the time at the school. Even Columbia is 90% on campus housing. Most dorms don't have cooking facilities that support producing "restaurant quality meals". Maybe by senior year, but that's apparently when the calls stopped.

Troll better OP.

Wow, how do people become so sanctimonious in an anonymous forum?

My son's girlfriend comes from a low-income family. She is studying on a need-based scholarship, and her GPA remains consistently at 4.0 even by her senior year, which I consider academically brilliant.

My son has been cooking as a hobby since he was 16. He prepared gourmet cuisine at home during high school and his freshman year (due to COVID closure), and continued to do so in the dorm/apartment since sophomore year, where there was always access to a kitchen. He primarily utilized the kitchen in his Club House for his sophomore year. What calls do you think stopped in his senior year?

Read your OP - you say the calls to you stopped in December 22, which I guess is technically the middle of junior year and through senior year.

[Anonymous]

He'll be home in two months for few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

That's a positive.

That, among other things, is a troll flag. Ivies only do need based scholarships. So if she has a scholarship at the Ivy they both attend it just means she comes from a family who needs financial aid. She may very well be brilliant, but having a need based scholarship isn't the proof of that.

The other troll flag is all the calls about cooking. Most of the Ivies are residential for all or most of the time at the school. Even Columbia is 90% on campus housing. Most dorms don't have cooking facilities that support producing "restaurant quality meals". Maybe by senior year, but that's apparently when the calls stopped.

Troll better OP.

Wow, how do people become so sanctimonious in an anonymous forum?

My son's girlfriend comes from a low-income family. She is studying on a need-based scholarship, and her GPA remains consistently at 4.0 even by her senior year, which I consider academically brilliant.

My son has been cooking as a hobby since he was 16. He prepared gourmet cuisine at home during high school and his freshman year (due to COVID closure), and continued to do so in the dorm/apartment since sophomore year, where there was always access to a kitchen. He primarily utilized the kitchen in his Club House for his sophomore year. What calls do you think stopped in his senior year?

Read your OP - you say the calls to you stopped in December 22, which I guess is technically the middle of junior year and through senior year.

I read the OP. It seems you interpreted "not calling or texting me almost daily" to be "call-stopping completely".

In any case, why would you call my conversations about my situation as trolling?

[Anonymous]

Ladies, remember when you used to complain that your DH was too close to his Mommy? Well, the shoe is on the next generation’s foot now. Get ready for a tug of war with the girlfriend/future wife for your son’s affection.

[Anonymous]

It's time to send him to school overseas/somewhere else far away.