I do not know how to handle adult son’s dramatic change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying they are now engaged? Has he graduated from him college?

No they are not engaged. When I said "he proposed" meant to say he proposed to be steady BF/GF. He would graduate in may and will join a job in DMV area. She would work in NY area.

ESOL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are going to go through a big change when he graduates in spring. Is he looking for jobs, planning his career / what happens when he graduates? Planning to move back home or move in with her?

I would worry but make sure you keep the dialogue open. Be happy whenever he does spend time with you & get the message across that you are always here for him - do not set up a dynamic of “it’s her or me”, as he will obviously cut you off (just when he may need your support the most).

He plans to move back home for a year or two to save money. I keep the dialogue open and express my unconditional love for everything he does. I am always happy to see him, even if it means spending just an hour or two with me during a week-long visit. That is better than not seeing him at all. I also ensure that all my kids understand that, even when I do not agree with their decisions, I will always have their back.

Is this “move back home” thing you have for your kids cultural?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isolating someone from their friends/family is a classic move by abusers. I would call the DV hotline and brainstorm things you could do -- they are the experts.

OP here. I do not think she is abusive. She has come to our place twice and she seems a bit passive aggressive and detached. She does not seem open to much conversation. She does not like much of what we eat and hence even when they are home they have most meals on their own. When they are home they are in his room with door closed. My son feel compelled to be in the room instead of hanging around family because "she is alone".

What kinds of food do your eat at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying they are now engaged? Has he graduated from him college?

No they are not engaged. When I said "he proposed" meant to say he proposed to be steady BF/GF. He would graduate in may and will join a job in DMV area. She would work in NY area.

Are you claiming they are both at the same Ivy League college, and she has a NYC job all lined up and he has a DC area job already lined up?

He could be depressed about all sorts of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but I feel for you. I would also be heartbroken and really worried if this was my son who is currently 18 and has a gf that he seems head over heels for. And I worry that he might make decisions that is not the best for him.

My brother did something similar in that he basically does whatever his wife wants at the expense of his family. He has an estranged relationship with the rest of our family. The only saving grace is that he's not unhealthy. I think the wife makes sure he eats healthy, at least. I think that's why my parents tolerate her.

I would be okay not to have much contact with him, if his GF pushed him to pursue his dreams, hobbies and healthy eating/exercising habit.

My son was a big foodie (cooked restaurant quality dishes and had a dream one day to travel the world to learn cooking from world renowned chefs). He loved photography and singing (both at a professional level). He got paid for senior photography and was part of this singing troupe that gets invited to major international venues. He used to exercise regularly and loved to dress well. He was known for his keen dress sense and would help friends pick wardrobes. He has stopped all these over the last one and half years.

It kills me to see him give up so much. His association with his GF might just be correlation and not causation.

trolls always go to far

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he was too attached to you and is now too attached to her. Your best bet is to find a way to ingratiate yourself to her. If you just keep buttering her up you will end up with them and their kids back in your life. So just bite your tongue and be gracious the alternative will be bitterly disappointing to you he will absolutely choose her over you.

This is definitely a component of what is going on with him.

Did OP ever respond regarding his relationship with his father?

???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are his plans after he graduates? Is there a job or grad school aligned for him or her? She is on financial aid so probably no debt, what about your son? Is he concerned about future?

I mentioned this upthread - after graduation he plans to start a job in DMV area. He plans to move back home to save money before going for higher studies. She plans to work in NY area before pursuing higher studies.

What “higher studies@?

Are you British or from a commonwealth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He'll be home in two months for few years.

Yes that’s your plan. We hear it loud and clear.

[Anonymous]

MBAs are $250k. Better save your Wall Street bonuses or do the consulting gold handcuff deal.

[Anonymous]

You need to read a book called Rules of Estrangement and it has a chapter about this type of situation. The key is to find the path to her heart and gradually get your son back. He is currently held hostage and you need to be extremely careful.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes a partner has deep psychological problems that suck you into their vortex — they are “psychic vampires.” And if they are brilliant intellectually, the sucking is much more powerful. I’m guessing there are many of us on DCUM who got sucked into such whirlpools but managed to escape. And yes, Meghan seems to fit the bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He'll be home in two months for few years.

Yes that’s your plan. We hear it loud and clear.

Bingo

Sonny boy is realizing he’s 22 yo and doesn’t want Mom’s Rules, ruling him for “a few more years.”

And who wastes their senior year spring break, job in hand in terrible hiring market, sitting at Mommy’s House?!?

A troll or Sonny boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to read a book called Rules of Estrangement and it has a chapter about this type of situation. The key is to find the path to her heart and gradually get your son back. He is currently held hostage and you need to be extremely careful.

Hostage of Mommy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes a partner has deep psychological problems that suck you into their vortex — they are “psychic vampires.” And if they are brilliant intellectually, the sucking is much more powerful. I’m guessing there are many of us on DCUM who got sucked into such whirlpools but managed to escape. And yes, Meghan seems to fit the bill.

Nope. But what’s going on here.

Trolling or controlling Mommy