I do not know how to handle adult son’s dramatic change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

You do not know anything about drugs.

DP. They aren't "on drugs." What is with y'all? Is the ghost of 1985 Nancy Reagan sock puppeting all over this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but I feel for you. I would also be heartbroken and really worried if this was my son who is currently 18 and has a gf that he seems head over heels for. And I worry that he might make decisions that is not the best for him.

My brother did something similar in that he basically does whatever his wife wants at the expense of his family. He has an estranged relationship with the rest of our family. The only saving grace is that he's not unhealthy. I think the wife makes sure he eats healthy, at least. I think that's why my parents tolerate her.

I would be okay not to have much contact with him, if his GF pushed him to pursue his dreams, hobbies and healthy eating/exercising habit.

My son was a big foodie (cooked restaurant quality dishes and had a dream one day to travel the world to learn cooking from world renowned chefs). He loved photography and singing (both at a professional level). He got paid for senior photography and was part of this singing troupe that gets invited to major international venues. He used to exercise regularly and loved to dress well. He was known for his keen dress sense and would help friends pick wardrobes. He has stopped all these over the last one and half years.

It kills me to see him give up so much. His association with his GF might just be correlation and not causation.

trolls always go to far

[Anonymous]

^too far

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but I feel for you. I would also be heartbroken and really worried if this was my son who is currently 18 and has a gf that he seems head over heels for. And I worry that he might make decisions that is not the best for him.

My brother did something similar in that he basically does whatever his wife wants at the expense of his family. He has an estranged relationship with the rest of our family. The only saving grace is that he's not unhealthy. I think the wife makes sure he eats healthy, at least. I think that's why my parents tolerate her.

I would be okay not to have much contact with him, if his GF pushed him to pursue his dreams, hobbies and healthy eating/exercising habit.

My son was a big foodie (cooked restaurant quality dishes and had a dream one day to travel the world to learn cooking from world renowned chefs). He loved photography and singing (both at a professional level). He got paid for senior photography and was part of this singing troupe that gets invited to major international venues. He used to exercise regularly and loved to dress well. He was known for his keen dress sense and would help friends pick wardrobes. He has stopped all these over the last one and half years.

It kills me to see him give up so much. His association with his GF might just be correlation and not causation.

trolls always go to far

Feel free to believe what you want. However, if I were courageous enough to reveal my identity (a little more information would make it quite simple for anyone to identify my son), I wouldn't be participating in this forum. My intention is solely to seek feedback in an anonymous setting to better understand the changes my son is going through. If you're skeptical, feel free to explore other threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but I feel for you. I would also be heartbroken and really worried if this was my son who is currently 18 and has a gf that he seems head over heels for. And I worry that he might make decisions that is not the best for him.

My brother did something similar in that he basically does whatever his wife wants at the expense of his family. He has an estranged relationship with the rest of our family. The only saving grace is that he's not unhealthy. I think the wife makes sure he eats healthy, at least. I think that's why my parents tolerate her.

I would be okay not to have much contact with him, if his GF pushed him to pursue his dreams, hobbies and healthy eating/exercising habit.

My son was a big foodie (cooked restaurant quality dishes and had a dream one day to travel the world to learn cooking from world renowned chefs). He loved photography and singing (both at a professional level). He got paid for senior photography and was part of this singing troupe that gets invited to major international venues. He used to exercise regularly and loved to dress well. He was known for his keen dress sense and would help friends pick wardrobes. He has stopped all these over the last one and half years.

It kills me to see him give up so much. His association with his GF might just be correlation and not causation.

trolls always go to far

I think we just need to take it all with a huge grain of salt. The "cooked restaurant quality dishes" means OP was Mommie-level-impressed when DS taught himself how to make a french omelet on YouTube. The "paid for senior photography" was a gift card from his friend's parents when he experimented with taking senior pictures on his iPhone. The "singing troupe" that "gets invited to major international venues" is a high school or college madrigals group that went to a competition in Canada. I mean, maybe it was all slightly better than that, but we are hearing all of this through someone who has seen it through Mommie-colored-glasses. I never believe the grandiose crap people say about their kids. They are all little Einstein/Mozart/Federer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but I feel for you. I would also be heartbroken and really worried if this was my son who is currently 18 and has a gf that he seems head over heels for. And I worry that he might make decisions that is not the best for him.

My brother did something similar in that he basically does whatever his wife wants at the expense of his family. He has an estranged relationship with the rest of our family. The only saving grace is that he's not unhealthy. I think the wife makes sure he eats healthy, at least. I think that's why my parents tolerate her.

I would be okay not to have much contact with him, if his GF pushed him to pursue his dreams, hobbies and healthy eating/exercising habit.

My son was a big foodie (cooked restaurant quality dishes and had a dream one day to travel the world to learn cooking from world renowned chefs). He loved photography and singing (both at a professional level). He got paid for senior photography and was part of this singing troupe that gets invited to major international venues. He used to exercise regularly and loved to dress well. He was known for his keen dress sense and would help friends pick wardrobes. He has stopped all these over the last one and half years.

It kills me to see him give up so much. His association with his GF might just be correlation and not causation.

trolls always go to far

I think we just need to take it all with a huge grain of salt. The "cooked restaurant quality dishes" means OP was Mommie-level-impressed when DS taught himself how to make a french omelet on YouTube. The "paid for senior photography" was a gift card from his friend's parents when he experimented with taking senior pictures on his iPhone. The "singing troupe" that "gets invited to major international venues" is a high school or college madrigals group that went to a competition in Canada. I mean, maybe it was all slightly better than that, but we are hearing all of this through someone who has seen it through Mommie-colored-glasses. I never believe the grandiose crap people say about their kids. They are all little Einstein/Mozart/Federer.

Haha I know of exactly one kid from my dc’s school who was “interested in cooking” (that is all his mom said). He graduated from the CIA and opened his own restaurant before the age of 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he was too attached to you and is now too attached to her. Your best bet is to find a way to ingratiate yourself to her. If you just keep buttering her up you will end up with them and their kids back in your life. So just bite your tongue and be gracious the alternative will be bitterly disappointing to you he will absolutely choose her over you.

This is definitely a component of what is going on with him.

Did OP ever respond regarding his relationship with his father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

You do not know anything about drugs.

DP. They aren't "on drugs." What is with y'all? Is the ghost of 1985 Nancy Reagan sock puppeting all over this thread?

That isn’t the insult you think it is. Are you a loser who uses drugs casually?

[Anonymous]

Kids change a lot during 4 years of college and parents do feel cut off or distanced. However, transformation into adulthood requires growth, change and independence. All of this could be a phase too, once in professional life, things will reset.

Meanwhile, be supportive and engaged without being intrusive so he knows he can ask for your advice without a fear of judgement. He is your kid but now he is a man with a significant other and soon a working man. He deserves privacy and autonomy. AND stop calling his fiancee girlfriend, that's dismissive and could bite you down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids change a lot during 4 years of college and parents do feel cut off or distanced. However, transformation into adulthood requires growth, change and independence. All of this could be a phase too, once in professional life, things will reset.

Meanwhile, be supportive and engaged without being intrusive so he knows he can ask for your advice without a fear of judgement. He is your kid but now he is a man with a significant other and soon a working man. He deserves privacy and autonomy. AND stop calling his fiancee girlfriend, that's dismissive and could bite you down the road.

I appreciate your feedback.

I am not calling my son's fiancee his girlfriend. He is not engaged or has expressed any intention to marry her yet. He calls her his girlfriend and not his fiancee. I know the difference and would never be dismissive if he intended it to be that way.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, your first post mentioned a proposal so I assumed she accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, your first post mentioned a proposal so I assumed she accepted.

I apologize for the incorrect use of language. My son went on a date with his GF in 2022. They had some misunderstandings and stopped talking. In December 2022, my son asked her again for another date and they decided to continue dating after te second date. So, they are steady BF/GF now - that's all.

[Anonymous]

He called you every day? That is mother-son enmeshment. It makes him vunerable to repeating the same enmeshment with his romantic relationships. How is your relationship with your DH? Your son shouldn't have had to be a "fixer" if it wasn't a dysfunctional household.

[Anonymous]

Schizoaffective disorder hits men right around this age. I’m not diagnosing; I’m just saying it may also be a physical issue. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

That's a positive.