I do not know how to handle adult son’s dramatic change

[Anonymous]

My 21-year-old son is a college senior. Growing up, he was easygoing, extroverted, well-liked by everyone, accommodating, extremely intelligent, the fixer at home; basically a dream come true kid. He had excellent relationships with his parents and siblings.

He used to call or text me almost every day until December of 2022. When he came home, he spent time with me in the kitchen, helping or talking. He would sit for hours with me watching TV and insist on spending late nights together. He had many friends and was in a very sought-after club aligned with his hobby since elementary school, which is one of the reasons he applied to and joined his specific college.

In 2022, he made a friend (a girl) whom he was interested in, and some serious misunderstandings happened between them. During their period of misunderstanding, he explained that he should stay away from her because she really hurt his trust, etc. In December 2022, they patched up, and he proposed to her. From that time, my son's relationship started changing with friends and family. He slowly started losing friends, lying to family members, and avoiding coming home as often. He became frustrated with his club’s demands for time and started fighting with the members. In 2023, he stopped going to the club altogether. Currently, he has no hobbies, does not exercise, does not eat well, and does not take care of his appearance at all. He had gained a lot of weight and has strained relationships with his parents. He spends all his hours taking care of his girlfriend and her interests. He barely has two friends. He avoids coming home for any vacation, and when he comes home on long vacations, he avoids spending time with us. If I ask, he complains that he is tired and needs rest. He grows extremely angry if I talk about the changes. He does not call me or any other family members unless he needs help or money.

This year's spring break, he came home with his girlfriend, and he practically did not spend 10 minutes alone with me. His girlfriend seemed aloof and did not even anticipate hanging around the home. They spent most of their time in his room or went out.

I am very worried about my son. I worry that he has given up everything he enjoyed to be with this girl and that she is not encouraging him to pursue his dreams and hobbies. I feel she either has no clue about his life before her or influenced his change. He is an adult, and I understand he can choose what he wants to do. I am concerned that if this girl breaks up with him, he would not know how to pick up everything he had neglected.

What would you do? Am I unnecessarily anxious?

[Anonymous]

Isolating someone from their friends/family is a classic move by abusers. I would call the DV hotline and brainstorm things you could do -- they are the experts.

[Anonymous]

I've seen this. She's likely a narcissist or has some other controlling personality disorder and he's choosing to accommodate her rather than honor who he was and the other people in his life. Her insecurities will mean she's constantly testing him and he has to keep choosing her over other people and other interests.

Some people wise up, but it's after children and marriages have suffered. Some people live like this forever. I don't really know how to get someone "out of the fog" of such relationships. It is painful to watch.

[Anonymous]

If you reversed the genders in this scenario, this would have alarm bells all over it.
I would be concerned OP. Try and talk to him about the relationship, see if he can open up to you or anyone else about it.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if they broke up because he was too involved in other hobbies and people. Then he wanted her back and part of the deal is that he has to be devoted to her. She clearly has a hold on him. The only person I knew who had this happen was captured due to mind-blowing sex, which he had never had before.

[Anonymous]

Drugs?

[Anonymous]

Are you saying they are now engaged? Has he graduated from him college?

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, but I feel for you. I would also be heartbroken and really worried if this was my son who is currently 18 and has a gf that he seems head over heels for. And I worry that he might make decisions that is not the best for him.

My brother did something similar in that he basically does whatever his wife wants at the expense of his family. He has an estranged relationship with the rest of our family. The only saving grace is that he's not unhealthy. I think the wife makes sure he eats healthy, at least. I think that's why my parents tolerate her.

[Anonymous]

They are going to go through a big change when he graduates in spring. Is he looking for jobs, planning his career / what happens when he graduates? Planning to move back home or move in with her?

I would worry but make sure you keep the dialogue open. Be happy whenever he does spend time with you & get the message across that you are always here for him - do not set up a dynamic of “it’s her or me”, as he will obviously cut you off (just when he may need your support the most).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 21-year-old son is a college senior. Growing up, he was easygoing, extroverted, well-liked by everyone, accommodating, extremely intelligent, the fixer at home; basically a dream come true kid. He had excellent relationships with his parents and siblings.

He used to call or text me almost every day until December of 2022. When he came home, he spent time with me in the kitchen, helping or talking. He would sit for hours with me watching TV and insist on spending late nights together. He had many friends and was in a very sought-after club aligned with his hobby since elementary school, which is one of the reasons he applied to and joined his specific college.

In 2022, he made a friend (a girl) whom he was interested in, and some serious misunderstandings happened between them. During their period of misunderstanding, he explained that he should stay away from her because she really hurt his trust, etc. In December 2022, they patched up, and he proposed to her. From that time, my son's relationship started changing with friends and family. He slowly started losing friends, lying to family members, and avoiding coming home as often. He became frustrated with his club’s demands for time and started fighting with the members. In 2023, he stopped going to the club altogether. Currently, he has no hobbies, does not exercise, does not eat well, and does not take care of his appearance at all. He had gained a lot of weight and has strained relationships with his parents. He spends all his hours taking care of his girlfriend and her interests. He barely has two friends. He avoids coming home for any vacation, and when he comes home on long vacations, he avoids spending time with us. If I ask, he complains that he is tired and needs rest. He grows extremely angry if I talk about the changes. He does not call me or any other family members unless he needs help or money.

This year's spring break, he came home with his girlfriend, and he practically did not spend 10 minutes alone with me. His girlfriend seemed aloof and did not even anticipate hanging around the home. They spent most of their time in his room or went out.

I am very worried about my son. I worry that he has given up everything he enjoyed to be with this girl and that she is not encouraging him to pursue his dreams and hobbies. I feel she either has no clue about his life before her or influenced his change. He is an adult, and I understand he can choose what he wants to do. I am concerned that if this girl breaks up with him, he would not know how to pick up everything he had neglected.

What would you do? Am I unnecessarily anxious?

Natural instinct is to blame the girlfriend but it can be anything, mental health, a job to earn extra money he isn't telling you about, drugs or just your expectations of him to stay like your sweet child while he needs to grow up and be an independent man. On top of that stress of graduating and starting a career.

[Anonymous]

I think he was too attached to you and is now too attached to her. Your best bet is to find a way to ingratiate yourself to her. If you just keep buttering her up you will end up with them and their kids back in your life. So just bite your tongue and be gracious the alternative will be bitterly disappointing to you he will absolutely choose her over you.

[Anonymous]

Isn't she his fiancée if he proposed? Anyhow, why not set up a coffee meeting with her, get to know her and talk to her about your concerns? She may have a better idea than any of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he was too attached to you and is now too attached to her.

This^. Accept it and support them, not just him.

[Anonymous]

Is she hot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he was too attached to you and is now too attached to her. Your best bet is to find a way to ingratiate yourself to her. If you just keep buttering her up you will end up with them and their kids back in your life. So just bite your tongue and be gracious the alternative will be bitterly disappointing to you he will absolutely choose her over you.

exactly. "accommodating" and "the fixer" are interesting words. How is his relationship with his father? I'm assuming you are his mother. Do you have a partner?