I do not know how to handle adult son’s dramatic change

[Anonymous]

Given that he is now 21, is it possible that he is drinking too much now that he has easy access to buy alcohol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He used to call or text me almost every day until December of 2022. When he came home, he spent time with me in the kitchen, helping or talking. He would sit for hours with me watching TV and insist on spending late nights together.

Not normal behavior for any social and straight 21 year old college student.

[Anonymous]

MD here. The first two things I thoughts of when I read the OP were mental health or drugs. When the couple came home and wouldn’t spend time with the family that’s a red flag, as is the whole disheveled thing, loss of interest in physical activity. The GF is a symptom, not the primary problem. The quick to anger bit and “I’m tired”’ as well. I’d do some digging OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MD here. The first two things I thoughts of when I read the OP were mental health or drugs. When the couple came home and wouldn’t spend time with the family that’s a red flag, as is the whole disheveled thing, loss of interest in physical activity. The GF is a symptom, not the primary problem. The quick to anger bit and “I’m tired”’ as well. I’d do some digging OP.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He used to call or text me almost every day until December of 2022. When he came home, he spent time with me in the kitchen, helping or talking. He would sit for hours with me watching TV and insist on spending late nights together.

Not normal behavior for any social and straight 21 year old college student.

True.

What is the club/hobby, OP?

He seems to have unhealthily attached to you, then transferred that to her. Drugs or mental illness may also be a factor. Any mental illness on either side of the family?

Where is dad?

[Anonymous]

In 2023, he stopped going to the club altogether. Currently, he has no hobbies

How do you know all of this about his day to day?

Have you spent time with him at school?

Have you met his fiancé's parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isolating someone from their friends/family is a classic move by abusers. I would call the DV hotline and brainstorm things you could do -- they are the experts.

OP here. I do not think she is abusive. She has come to our place twice and she seems a bit passive aggressive and detached. She does not seem open to much conversation. She does not like much of what we eat and hence even when they are home they have most meals on their own. When they are home they are in his room with door closed. My son feel compelled to be in the room instead of hanging around family because "she is alone".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MD here. The first two things I thoughts of when I read the OP were mental health or drugs. When the couple came home and wouldn’t spend time with the family that’s a red flag, as is the whole disheveled thing, loss of interest in physical activity. The GF is a symptom, not the primary problem. The quick to anger bit and “I’m tired”’ as well. I’d do some digging OP.

This is good advice. Do not focus on the gf as the problem. That will drive him away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this. She's likely a narcissist or has some other controlling personality disorder and he's choosing to accommodate her rather than honor who he was and the other people in his life. Her insecurities will mean she's constantly testing him and he has to keep choosing her over other people and other interests.

Some people wise up, but it's after children and marriages have suffered. Some people live like this forever. I don't really know how to get someone "out of the fog" of such relationships. It is painful to watch.

OP here. I do not want to focus on the GF and what she is doing. I am concerned about his change of personality, attitude and habits. I am worried that he is not focusing on his own well being, his won interests, family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying they are now engaged? Has he graduated from him college?

No they are not engaged. When I said "he proposed" meant to say he proposed to be steady BF/GF. He would graduate in may and will join a job in DMV area. She would work in NY area.

[Anonymous]

I recall reading a list of signs that your relationship is turning abusive. I couldn't find it on a quick google search, but this one is along the lines of the one I saw many years ago.

It could be mental health/alcohol/drugs as others have pointed out. But it could also be that this girl is manipulating him. Naivete can be deadly when you're too easy going to understand another person is very toxic.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/202010/10-red-flag-warning-signs-abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but I feel for you. I would also be heartbroken and really worried if this was my son who is currently 18 and has a gf that he seems head over heels for. And I worry that he might make decisions that is not the best for him.

My brother did something similar in that he basically does whatever his wife wants at the expense of his family. He has an estranged relationship with the rest of our family. The only saving grace is that he's not unhealthy. I think the wife makes sure he eats healthy, at least. I think that's why my parents tolerate her.

I would be okay not to have much contact with him, if his GF pushed him to pursue his dreams, hobbies and healthy eating/exercising habit.

My son was a big foodie (cooked restaurant quality dishes and had a dream one day to travel the world to learn cooking from world renowned chefs). He loved photography and singing (both at a professional level). He got paid for senior photography and was part of this singing troupe that gets invited to major international venues. He used to exercise regularly and loved to dress well. He was known for his keen dress sense and would help friends pick wardrobes. He has stopped all these over the last one and half years.

It kills me to see him give up so much. His association with his GF might just be correlation and not causation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are going to go through a big change when he graduates in spring. Is he looking for jobs, planning his career / what happens when he graduates? Planning to move back home or move in with her?

I would worry but make sure you keep the dialogue open. Be happy whenever he does spend time with you & get the message across that you are always here for him - do not set up a dynamic of “it’s her or me”, as he will obviously cut you off (just when he may need your support the most).

He plans to move back home for a year or two to save money. I keep the dialogue open and express my unconditional love for everything he does. I am always happy to see him, even if it means spending just an hour or two with me during a week-long visit. That is better than not seeing him at all. I also ensure that all my kids understand that, even when I do not agree with their decisions, I will always have their back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MD here. The first two things I thoughts of when I read the OP were mental health or drugs. When the couple came home and wouldn’t spend time with the family that’s a red flag, as is the whole disheveled thing, loss of interest in physical activity. The GF is a symptom, not the primary problem. The quick to anger bit and “I’m tired”’ as well. I’d do some digging OP.

Yes, I am doing the digging. He has expressed depression. He was going through therapy and has stopped it for a while. I have been asking him to start it again. He has not seen his primary care doctor for more than a year and that is another thing I am requesting he does.

My primary concern is that he has turned from this bright optimistic extrovert to a gloomy loner. He studies at an Ivy league and still is doing well in school. But he is not thriving like he was!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a Wallis/Meghan situation