I do not know how to handle adult son’s dramatic change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In 2023, he stopped going to the club altogether. Currently, he has no hobbies

How do you know all of this about his day to day?

Have you spent time with him at school?

Have you met his fiancé's parents?

Because my son and I still talk even if it is once a week or two and he has told me. We have not met the GF's family. Her mom had a toxic marriage and is divorced. Her mom current lives with her boy friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a Wallis/Meghan situation

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isolating someone from their friends/family is a classic move by abusers. I would call the DV hotline and brainstorm things you could do -- they are the experts.

OP here. I do not think she is abusive. She has come to our place twice and she seems a bit passive aggressive and detached. She does not seem open to much conversation. She does not like much of what we eat and hence even when they are home they have most meals on their own. When they are home they are in his room with door closed. My son feel compelled to be in the room instead of hanging around family because "she is alone".

Instead of judging her, make or order what she likes so they have an incentive to join y'all for meals. May be his changes are stressing her out as well. If nothing done, she'll ditch him and he'll have more reasons to be depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He used to call or text me almost every day until December of 2022. When he came home, he spent time with me in the kitchen, helping or talking. He would sit for hours with me watching TV and insist on spending late nights together.

Not normal behavior for any social and straight 21 year old college student.

What is not normal? He loved to cook, so he either helped me or I helped him. He also liked to watch movies/shows with family members. he had plenty of time to socialize with friends in between those activities.

His regular calls or text used to be quick, just a hello call. I had expected that his calls would be infrequent over time. What bothers me is not the infrequent calls but the lack of depth in conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isolating someone from their friends/family is a classic move by abusers. I would call the DV hotline and brainstorm things you could do -- they are the experts.

OP here. I do not think she is abusive. She has come to our place twice and she seems a bit passive aggressive and detached. She does not seem open to much conversation. She does not like much of what we eat and hence even when they are home they have most meals on their own. When they are home they are in his room with door closed. My son feel compelled to be in the room instead of hanging around family because "she is alone".

Instead of judging her, make or order what she likes so they have an incentive to join y'all for meals. May be his changes are stressing her out as well. If nothing done, she'll ditch him and he'll have more reasons to be depressed.

This is a an interesting thought. I have contemplated asking her this. I wonder if she has noticed his changes and what she thinks. But I have not gotten a feel whether she would be open to that discussion or not.

[Anonymous]

Test a strand of his hair for drugs. It is either drugs or mental health issue, as an MD pointed out upthread.

[Anonymous]

By the way, I'm not passing judgment on the girlfriend. I'm still trying to understand her. As mentioned earlier, the timing of my son's behavior changes and his having a girlfriend might just be a coincidence. It's also possible that he is avoiding uncomfortable conversations by using the excuse of having a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Test a strand of his hair for drugs. It is either drugs or mental health issue, as an MD pointed out upthread.

No. Do not do this, OP. This is stalkerish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a Wallis/Meghan situation

This is what jumped out me. It sounds like a Prince Harry Meghan Markle situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a Wallis/Meghan situation

This is what jumped out me. It sounds like a Prince Harry Meghan Markle situation.

I am not into celebrity gossip. Can you fill me into what the analogy is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

[Anonymous]

I think all of the talk about drugs is here is probably not on point. It's more likely a combination of mental health issue + normal growing up and pulling away from family + a relationship that may not be 100% healthy.

OP, he will be home in a couple of months, right? You can have him see his PCP then. Let the doctor know you are concerned about depression. You mentioned he'd been in therapy before. Why was he in therapy? You painted a picture of an all-around happy, social, successful kid before the girlfriend -- so why was he in therapy?

Early 20s is where mental illness tends to rear it's ugly head. The withdrawal from interests and friends/family and the fact that you say he is looking unkempt sound like depression. Keep that in mind when he graduates and comes home, and prepare yourself to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Test a strand of his hair for drugs. It is either drugs or mental health issue, as an MD pointed out upthread.

No. Do not do this, OP. This is stalkerish.

I will not do drug test. I know he has developed depression in college. May be I do not understand the severity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

You do not know anything about drugs.