This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Was yours an arranged marriage OP? Were you a minor and didn't know what qualities you want in a life partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you yell at him when he ruined the rug? Or make passive statements?

No we laughed about it and I acknowledged it was a reasonable mistake. It was a "rag rug" and he vacuumed it on the high pile setting and it ripped a bunch of pieces of fabric up out of the rug. You had to vacuum it on the bare floor setting to avoid this, which is admittedly not intuitive. I didn't care about the rug at all (the cat peed on it dozens of times when we moved and I was sick of cleaning it) and could have seen myself doing the same thing and told him so.

He was looking for an excuse to claim he was unable to vacuum properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a conversation where I told my husband that if someone at work were as incompetent there as he was at home, he wouldn’t tolerate it.
“Think about it this way. You have worked here for 11 years. If you don’t know where the towels or the pens are, then you should figure it out.”

Yeah I’ve made that point too. It was met with silence & no change or a temper tantrum & no changes

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is the pretending that would make me crazy. My husband and I definitely divide stuff up by strengths and weaknesses and also each manage to avoid the things we hate the most.

But neither of us is literally pretending we don’t know how to work the washer/dryer or dishwasher.

What would he do if you died? I think I would propose that question to him? Like is he never going to vacuum the house again? Would your kid just eat cereal for every meal? Is he going to remarry within 6 months??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Was yours an arranged marriage OP? Were you a minor and didn't know what qualities you want in a life partner?

No and no, but he didn't do this stuff before we got married. And honestly, it was kids that tipped things. Since having kids, he has started doing this way more. If he did it before, it was occasional and the kind of thing I'd call him out on and we'd talk about it. This behavior started small and has really flourished in the last couple years. We've been together for 16 years, living together for 15, married for 13. But had our oldest 8 years ago and this has gotten worse and worse since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It strikes me that he is struggling with this supposed incompetence in "pink" areas; in other words, tasks that misogyny has historically relegated to women -- cleaning and child care. I say supposed because I think I agree with you; that he likely just doesn't want to do it.

I don't know what you do about this. It has got to be hella frustrating.

OP here and yes, this is a pattern with him. Sometimes he'll even vocalize it like "ugh this isn't very manly" if he's doing something he thinks of as feminine. We've talked about it and he knows this attitude is toxic and sets a bad example for the kids. I think the feigned is something he may have developed in response to this, like he wants to say "ugh no that's a woman's job" but knows that's bad so instead he's like "huh, too hard, I can't figure it out."

lol

As if anyone talks like that out loud. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It strikes me that he is struggling with this supposed incompetence in "pink" areas; in other words, tasks that misogyny has historically relegated to women -- cleaning and child care. I say supposed because I think I agree with you; that he likely just doesn't want to do it.

I don't know what you do about this. It has got to be hella frustrating.

OP here and yes, this is a pattern with him. Sometimes he'll even vocalize it like "ugh this isn't very manly" if he's doing something he thinks of as feminine. We've talked about it and he knows this attitude is toxic and sets a bad example for the kids. I think the feigned is something he may have developed in response to this, like he wants to say "ugh no that's a woman's job" but knows that's bad so instead he's like "huh, too hard, I can't figure it out."

Quit your job and tell him money earning is a man’s job and you won’t be doing it anymore.

Love this. Wish I had thought of it years ago. Dh did all the stuff in this thread. Kids grown / in college. I’m leaving. And maybe it explains my aversion to sex all this time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the picky eating you can post the rules in the fridge.

OP here, and they are on the fridge. There's also a bin in the pantry with all the foods she eats and laminated guides for preparing dishes (these are for her because she's supposed to help us prepare her meals or do it herself, but I mean he is welcome to consult them).

So when he says "he doesn't know how to feed her," what do you say and what is his response? I was originally assuming he was acting in good faith but clearly he is not.

I'll say "did you check the list/look in the bin?" And he'll say "oh yeah that didn't occur to me."

Then he'll look at the list and/or look in the bin, and he'll say to DD "okay what do you want, do you want rice and peanut sauce?" And she'll say no and he'll look at me and say "I don't know, I don't know what I'm supposed to give her."

It's maddening.

The parentifying the little kid or tween is immature and irritating AF too.
Hey Little Kid: should we do, what should we eat, where should we go, what should be buy for present, what should you wear?

And then sit back, do nothing, eat garbage, buy cheap krap on Amazon in and Temu, and underdress for the weather.

No judgment or parenting skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the picky eating you can post the rules in the fridge.

OP here, and they are on the fridge. There's also a bin in the pantry with all the foods she eats and laminated guides for preparing dishes (these are for her because she's supposed to help us prepare her meals or do it herself, but I mean he is welcome to consult them).

So when he says "he doesn't know how to feed her," what do you say and what is his response? I was originally assuming he was acting in good faith but clearly he is not.

I'll say "did you check the list/look in the bin?" And he'll say "oh yeah that didn't occur to me."

Then he'll look at the list and/or look in the bin, and he'll say to DD "okay what do you want, do you want rice and peanut sauce?" And she'll say no and he'll look at me and say "I don't know, I don't know what I'm supposed to give her."

It's maddening.

Literally leave the room or just don't respond. He is continuing to bother you with this because he wants you to cave and do it. Then afterwards you have the conversation about whether he agrees that you as parents need to be following the nutrition plan for your daughter.

But good luck. It probably won't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is the pretending that would make me crazy. My husband and I definitely divide stuff up by strengths and weaknesses and also each manage to avoid the things we hate the most.

But neither of us is literally pretending we don’t know how to work the washer/dryer or dishwasher.

What would he do if you died? I think I would propose that question to him? Like is he never going to vacuum the house again? Would your kid just eat cereal for every meal? Is he going to remarry within 6 months??

NP here. My DH will do things like what OP describes in some areas, and I don’t think he’s feigning ignorance. It’s like there are parts of his brain that can’t make sense of certain tasks, and there is a lot he doesn’t notice at all. We did a large renovation recently, and the contractor came to find me after chatting with DH briefly. He looked completely bemused and said “Your husband doesn’t know where your electrical panel is. Or your main water shutoff valve. I asked where we could get access to the attic, and he said he wasn’t sure if your house has an attic.” My 10 year old was also bemused early on in the pandemic when DH asked him how to use the washing machine, which we’d had for a decade at that point. He also can’t make a meal more complicated than cereal without getting completely stressed out.

Like OP’s my DH is great with most aspects of parenting and a lot of household management stuff. Given that, I have been mostly happy to take the divide and conquer approach, and he’s been mostly happy to take on the tasks I don’t enjoy. I will say that he stepped up his household contributions during the pandemic, I think because he was home more and began to notice more. He now not only does his own laundry and all sheets and towels, but all vacuuming. Here’s hoping some of your situationally incompetent spouses turn a corner too.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm the first husband to respond, but my thoughts are below. I don't think any of this is necessarily weaponized incompetence. In relationships, there are some things that spouses don't care about and others do and each has to figure out what's most important. My DW won't clean bathrooms, dust or do yardwork. I won't wash/fold clothes and I'm much less likely to keep things tidy, but I'll happily do big cleanings. Some things, you'll have to let go and replace with things he may be willing/competent to do.

Does he do anything around the house or is your list a short example of a ton of things he won't do?

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

Issues involving the health of child are unacceptable and this is the one that's most concerning. Call him out in front of the nutritionist/pediatrician for failure to comply with doctor's advice ("public shame" my work) and remove the excuse of "not knowing" by posting rules in the kitchen. This is the only one that should really be a "marriage/divorce" issue.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

There are many ways to address this without nagging. Joke with him "Baby, I know you can handle it". Show him once. Or, if is just adverse to vacuuming, keep this one chore off his list. Also, be real about how you confronted him about using the wrong rug. Did you just mention it or were you overly critical? If the latter, maybe even apologize if it'll get you want you want.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

If the issue is that he refuses to clean, give him an option. He'll either help with the cleaning or you'll hire cleaners...he can decide. Be honest with yourself though, are you too particular about which cleaning supplies are needed for tasks. I think you probably only need two supplies (toilet cleaner and soft scrub for other surfaces) but if you want something done in a very specified way, then that should be on you.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

One parent is likely best qualified to handle this things and splitting the overall responsibility may not be the best solution. I handle the budget, paying of bills, house maintenance, adult social outings, etc. DW handles school activities because she is legitimately much more competent than I. I get that this obligation falls to women more often than not, but it may be because you're less likely to let things slip the cracks and it's easier to coordinate. Sorry, but those may be the breaks.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help. Teach. Make it easier. Encourage. Praise. Reward. Boast about it to others from where he can hear.

No, OP was asking about her DH, not her toddler.

It makes other people want to vomit when you use them as a venue for manipulative fake bragging.

so patronizing, but what do you expect from DCUM? lady I sure hope you are hot, because if not, I don't think anyone would talk to you.

[Anonymous]

I would follow his lead and “not know” how to do certain chores until things feel even. Babe I “can’t” do your laundry, I always mess it up. “Forget” how to make food he likes—if he complains say “I’m sorry, I just can’t seem to get it right.” Stop doing things that benefit him until the chores are balanced again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is the pretending that would make me crazy. My husband and I definitely divide stuff up by strengths and weaknesses and also each manage to avoid the things we hate the most.

But neither of us is literally pretending we don’t know how to work the washer/dryer or dishwasher.

What would he do if you died? I think I would propose that question to him? Like is he never going to vacuum the house again? Would your kid just eat cereal for every meal? Is he going to remarry within 6 months??

NP here. My DH will do things like what OP describes in some areas, and I don’t think he’s feigning ignorance. It’s like there are parts of his brain that can’t make sense of certain tasks, and there is a lot he doesn’t notice at all. We did a large renovation recently, and the contractor came to find me after chatting with DH briefly.

He looked completely bemused and said “Your husband doesn’t know where your electrical panel is. Or your main water shutoff valve. I asked where we could get access to the attic, and he said he wasn’t sure if your house has an attic.”

My 10 year old was also bemused early on in the pandemic when DH asked him how to use the washing machine, which we’d had for a decade at that point. He also can’t make a meal more complicated than cereal without getting completely stressed out.

Like OP’s my DH is great with most aspects of parenting and a lot of household management stuff. Given that, I have been mostly happy to take the divide and conquer approach, and he’s been mostly happy to take on the tasks I don’t enjoy. I will say that he stepped up his household contributions during the pandemic, I think because he was home more and began to notice more. He now not only does his own laundry and all sheets and towels, but all vacuuming. Here’s hoping some of your situationally incompetent spouses turn a corner too.

Nice that the GC said anything. Usually when they talk to that stupid of a homeowner they shut up and charge triple.

Same “absent minded” husband here. He’s from Europe originally so the first couple times people assume cultural difference. After the 5h and 6th time they know he’s somewhat of a doofus.

It’s something off with his brain. We were canoeing with kids by the shore once and our host said Go this way, go this way. Everyone responds yet he is acting deaf to the host and his own kids in the canoe telling him what to do.

[Anonymous]

What do you do about the types that don’t even SEE or REGISTER that something needs to be done? Much less do the correct thing…

Kid is hurt and bleeding. Bleach dumped all over the garage when getting the paper leaf bags down. A dog, frothing at the mouth, walks by his kid. Set up kid to sled out into the road and under parked cars. A big heavy door is wafting in the wind and his 2 yo walks toward the hinge with his fingers. Minivan doors left open. Nat gas smell from the new stove and doesn’t call the utility co until he tells me about it 4 days later (am traveling).

I mean seriously, what do you do with someone like this?