Reply to This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

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[quote=Anonymous]Maybe I'm the first husband to respond, but my thoughts are below.  I don't think any of this is necessarily weaponized incompetence. In relationships, there are some things that spouses don't care about and others do and each has to figure out what's most important. My DW won't clean bathrooms, dust or do yardwork. I won't wash/fold clothes and I'm much less likely to keep things tidy, but I'll happily do big cleanings.  Some things, you'll have to let go and replace with things he may be willing/competent to do.

Does he do anything around the house or is your list a short example of a ton of things he won't do?

[quote=Anonymous]My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

[b]Issues involving the health of child are unacceptable and this is the one that's most concerning. Call him out in front of the nutritionist/pediatrician for failure to comply with doctor's advice ("public shame" my work) and remove the excuse of "not knowing" by posting rules in the kitchen.  This is the only one that should really be a "marriage/divorce" issue.
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- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

[b]There are many ways to address this without nagging. Joke with him "Baby, I know you can handle it". Show him once. Or, if is just adverse to vacuuming, keep this one chore off his list.  Also, be real about how you confronted him about using the wrong rug.  Did you just mention it or were you overly critical? If the latter, maybe even apologize if it'll get you want you want.
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- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

[b]If the issue is that he refuses to clean, give him an option. He'll either help with the cleaning or you'll hire cleaners...he can decide.  Be honest with yourself though, are you too particular about which cleaning supplies are needed for tasks. I think you probably only need two supplies (toilet cleaner and soft scrub for other surfaces) but if you want something done in a very specified way, then that should be on you. 
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- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

[b]One parent is likely best qualified to handle this things and splitting the overall responsibility may not be the best solution. I handle the budget, paying of bills, house maintenance, adult social outings, etc.  DW handles school activities because she is legitimately much more competent than I. I get that this obligation falls to women more often than not, but it may be because you're less likely to let things slip the cracks and it's easier to coordinate.  Sorry, but those may be the breaks.  
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How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.[/quote][/quote]

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