This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a perfectionist, he'll feel less intimidated around you.

This and ffs stop accommodating the picky eater. They are an animal, instinct will kick in before they die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Gold child syndrome

They can do no wrong, per their Mommy decades ago

How dare you make a comment or suggestion or criticism or concern

I find it ironic how many people are criticizing men’s incompetence by… blaming their mothers.

Always a woman’s fault, amirite?

With uninvolved, absentee fathers, yes.

If someone raised a narcissistic mister because they let him get away with everything because he’s “clever”? Yes.
Never taking responsibility for your very own behaviors, words, actions? Mom sat by and smiled, clever boy. Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Golden child syndrome

They can do no wrong, per their Mommy decades ago

How dare you make a comment or suggestion or criticism or concern

Lazy fathers like the Golden Child dynamic too.
Oh my one son never needed any extra help.

[Anonymous]

Why are American married women so angry with their husbands all the time?

Don't sweat the small stuff.

- immigrant woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a perfectionist, he'll feel less intimidated around you.

This and ffs stop accommodating the picky eater. They are an animal, instinct will kick in before they die.

This ongoing response of "your child won't actually die!" is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Agree. Leave these incompetent men alone and let Darwin take over.
Meanwhile hire a competent nanny for 7 days a week if and when you’re busy .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Gold child syndrome

They can do no wrong, per their Mommy decades ago

How dare you make a comment or suggestion or criticism or concern

I find it ironic how many people are criticizing men’s incompetence by… blaming their mothers.

Always a woman’s fault, amirite?

With uninvolved, absentee fathers, yes.

If someone raised a narcissistic mister because they let him get away with everything because he’s “clever”? Yes.
Never taking responsibility for your very own behaviors, words, actions? Mom sat by and smiled, clever boy. Yes.

Sounds like your neurotic mom passed those traits to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are American married women so angry with their husbands all the time?

Don't sweat the small stuff.

- immigrant woman

American women were raised by neurotic mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a perfectionist, he'll feel less intimidated around you.

This and ffs stop accommodating the picky eater. They are an animal, instinct will kick in before they die.

Die of dirty potato grime. Those slippery buggers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Gold child syndrome

They can do no wrong, per their Mommy decades ago

How dare you make a comment or suggestion or criticism or concern

I find it ironic how many people are criticizing men’s incompetence by… blaming their mothers.

Always a woman’s fault, amirite?

With uninvolved, absentee fathers, yes.

If someone raised a narcissistic mister because they let him get away with everything because he’s “clever”? Yes.
Never taking responsibility for your very own behaviors, words, actions? Mom sat by and smiled, clever boy. Yes.

Sounds like your neurotic mom passed those traits to you.

NP what traits are you responding to? Marrying a clever, lazy narcissist is a trait!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a perfectionist, he'll feel less intimidated around you.

This and ffs stop accommodating the picky eater. They are an animal, instinct will kick in before they die.

This ongoing response of "your child won't actually die!" is bizarre.

Apparently that’s the standard by which many parents care for their kids. Wow.

[Anonymous]

My DH pulls this. He is a perfectionist and I am far from one. I agree that it’s learned helplessness or rigidity in thinking there is a precise way to do everything. I just don’t buy into it. When he pulls things like this, I directly tell him he said he’d do it, so do it. I don’t care how you do it, I am doing something else. He will then ponder the task and do it.

On the reverse, if it’s something he feels he’s mastered he will try to give me precise instructions on how to do it. I simply say nope. When you are breaking down the cardboard boxes for recycling you can do it that way. When I do I’m fine on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Gold child syndrome

They can do no wrong, per their Mommy decades ago

How dare you make a comment or suggestion or criticism or concern

I find it ironic how many people are criticizing men’s incompetence by… blaming their mothers.

Always a woman’s fault, amirite?

With uninvolved, absentee fathers, yes.

If someone raised a narcissistic mister because they let him get away with everything because he’s “clever”? Yes.
Never taking responsibility for your very own behaviors, words, actions? Mom sat by and smiled, clever boy. Yes.

What are you talking about? Have you done research on this topic or are you just making things up?

(That’s a rhetorical question. It’s obvious you’re just making things up, and you are also a complete misogynist.)

[Anonymous]

"Picky eaters"

Neurotic kids being (over)parented by neurotic adults. These kids will never make it in the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH pulls this. He is a perfectionist and I am far from one. I agree that it’s learned helplessness or rigidity in thinking there is a precise way to do everything. I just don’t buy into it. When he pulls things like this, I directly tell him he said he’d do it, so do it. I don’t care how you do it, I am doing something else. He will then ponder the task and do it.

On the reverse, if it’s something he feels he’s mastered he will try to give me precise instructions on how to do it. I simply say nope. When you are breaking down the cardboard boxes for recycling you can do it that way. When I do I’m fine on my own.

Lol.

Sorry but there ARE efficient and effective ways of doing something and inefficient and ineffective (and costly) ways.

You pick.