This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read all, but it may help if you expect him to figure it out, be okay with his choices- even when different than your own, be patient, release the notion that there’s one right way… it’ll also help your children grow more resilient.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

My DH does this sometimes. If he's not helping clean/vacuum, tell him he has to. End of story. Or you're getting a housecleaner b/c not fair for you to do it all. Then follow through.

For the "can you do it" for silly tasks he is capable of doing, the answer is "no, you can figure it out."

And for the big things (the school stuff falls on me too) that he chooses to opt out of, I've flatly told him that if you just get to opt out of that, then you can do all of the XXXXX tasks. Then follow through.

He's not a child. He doesn't get to act like one and have it indulged by me. He's my partner, not my son.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a jerk to even suggest weaponized whatever. Get a grip and fix your own home life

[Anonymous]

no, it's not "weaponized" whatever. You have a personal issue. Deal with it. Stop bandaging it with new weird terms. TALK to your husband. DEAL wth the issues. Or go into therapy. posting here gives you nothig (except maybe you want positive feedback - oh gosh, who would have suspected?).

[Anonymous]

Posts like these are why I chose to marry someone who was a full partner. I just couldn’t have been with someone who wasn’t.

[Anonymous]

Assign him tasks that you don't touch AT ALL. I, for one, do not do the trash because DH handles. I also don't do yardwork and several other things that are his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It strikes me that he is struggling with this supposed incompetence in "pink" areas; in other words, tasks that misogyny has historically relegated to women -- cleaning and child care. I say supposed because I think I agree with you; that he likely just doesn't want to do it.

I don't know what you do about this. It has got to be hella frustrating.

OP here and yes, this is a pattern with him. Sometimes he'll even vocalize it like "ugh this isn't very manly" if he's doing something he thinks of as feminine. We've talked about it and he knows this attitude is toxic and sets a bad example for the kids. I think the feigned is something he may have developed in response to this, like he wants to say "ugh no that's a woman's job" but knows that's bad so instead he's like "huh, too hard, I can't figure it out."

You really buried the lede here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do about the types that don’t even SEE or REGISTER that something needs to be done? Much less do the correct thing…

Kid is hurt and bleeding. Bleach dumped all over the garage when getting the paper leaf bags down. A dog, frothing at the mouth, walks by his kid. Set up kid to sled out into the road and under parked cars. A big heavy door is wafting in the wind and his 2 yo walks toward the hinge with his fingers. Minivan doors left open. Nat gas smell from the new stove and doesn’t call the utility co until he tells me about it 4 days later (am traveling).

I mean seriously, what do you do with someone like this?

Sounds like everyone is fine, though. So maybe take a chill pill.

So many posters here have downright adversarial relationships with their spouses. It’s really weird.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read all the responses, but it works much better if you don’t just delegate pieces of tasks but each take over full responsibility for something. So if he’s in charge of the bathrooms, he’s in charge of the bathrooms and you don’t provide supplies, etc. If the bathroom is gross, you can tell him that, but then he needs to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you yell at him when he ruined the rug? Or make passive statements?

No we laughed about it and I acknowledged it was a reasonable mistake. It was a "rag rug" and he vacuumed it on the high pile setting and it ripped a bunch of pieces of fabric up out of the rug. You had to vacuum it on the bare floor setting to avoid this, which is admittedly not intuitive. I didn't care about the rug at all (the cat peed on it dozens of times when we moved and I was sick of cleaning it) and could have seen myself doing the same thing and told him so.

He was looking for an excuse to claim he was unable to vacuum properly.

Then the only solution is to divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It strikes me that he is struggling with this supposed incompetence in "pink" areas; in other words, tasks that misogyny has historically relegated to women -- cleaning and child care. I say supposed because I think I agree with you; that he likely just doesn't want to do it.

I don't know what you do about this. It has got to be hella frustrating.

OP here and yes, this is a pattern with him. Sometimes he'll even vocalize it like "ugh this isn't very manly" if he's doing something he thinks of as feminine. We've talked about it and he knows this attitude is toxic and sets a bad example for the kids. I think the feigned is something he may have developed in response to this, like he wants to say "ugh no that's a woman's job" but knows that's bad so instead he's like "huh, too hard, I can't figure it out."

You really buried the lede here.

you are correct. But not odd for DCUm. Invariably, theOP posts\ just sufficient facts to to get the self-affirming message back that they want. Blah blah blah. Then around page 10 you discover that the situation is nothing like that described initially by OP. Which is why I have to get off this site becuase it is an extreme waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like these are why I chose to marry someone who was a full partner. I just couldn’t have been with someone who wasn’t.

this. it saves you from a life of posting about your partner's perceived defects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the picky eating you can post the rules in the fridge.

OP here, and they are on the fridge. There's also a bin in the pantry with all the foods she eats and laminated guides for preparing dishes (these are for her because she's supposed to help us prepare her meals or do it herself, but I mean he is welcome to consult them).

So when he says "he doesn't know how to feed her," what do you say and what is his response? I was originally assuming he was acting in good faith but clearly he is not.

I'll say "did you check the list/look in the bin?" And he'll say "oh yeah that didn't occur to me."

Then he'll look at the list and/or look in the bin, and he'll say to DD "okay what do you want, do you want rice and peanut sauce?" And she'll say no and he'll look at me and say "I don't know, I don't know what I'm supposed to give her."

It's maddening.

Literally leave the room or just don't respond. He is continuing to bother you with this because he wants you to cave and do it. Then afterwards you have the conversation about whether he agrees that you as parents need to be following the nutrition plan for your daughter.

But good luck. It probably won't work.

Yeah, maybe little/no response the best response. "I trust you to handle this, babe." and then be busy.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to make "weaponized incompetence" happen, OP.

You sound more like his mom than his wife. I'd give up on you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help. Teach. Make it easier. Encourage. Praise. Reward. Boast about it to others from where he can hear.

This is terrible advice.

You’ve probably been super critical of him, like when he screwed up the rug.

What he’s really saying is he doesn’t want to do it only to have you tell him how badly he’s doing it.