This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]Help. Teach. Make it easier. Encourage. Praise. Reward. Boast about it to others from where he can hear.

[/b]




No, she shouldn't have to do all of that. this is a marriage. Barring an excuse like ADHD, they need couple's therapy so he can HEAR how frustrating this is for her. This is not acceptable

+1
She signed on to marry him, not be his mother and train him like a dog.

And if she *does* train him, she'll be accused of being a nag, etc. That's the suck of weaponized incompetence: even trying to address it causes problems.

Ask him what story he's comfortable telling about himself. "Are you saying you're not capable of looking up which cleaners we have and what they're used for?" "Are you saying you're not capable of..." is usually enough to make a person with any self-respect who can do better.

[Anonymous]

I feel like in my relationship we both do it just with different things. Its not that big of a deal unless other parent doesn’t pick up the slack in other areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It strikes me that he is struggling with this supposed incompetence in "pink" areas; in other words, tasks that misogyny has historically relegated to women -- cleaning and child care. I say supposed because I think I agree with you; that he likely just doesn't want to do it.

I don't know what you do about this. It has got to be hella frustrating.

OP here and yes, this is a pattern with him. Sometimes he'll even vocalize it like "ugh this isn't very manly" if he's doing something he thinks of as feminine. We've talked about it and he knows this attitude is toxic and sets a bad example for the kids. I think the feigned is something he may have developed in response to this, like he wants to say "ugh no that's a woman's job" but knows that's bad so instead he's like "huh, too hard, I can't figure it out."

Hes an AH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Same. What kind of dad refuses to properly feed his child? What kind of partner refuses to clean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the picky eating you can post the rules in the fridge.

OP here, and they are on the fridge. There's also a bin in the pantry with all the foods she eats and laminated guides for preparing dishes (these are for her because she's supposed to help us prepare her meals or do it herself, but I mean he is welcome to consult them).

So when he says "he doesn't know how to feed her," what do you say and what is his response? I was originally assuming he was acting in good faith but clearly he is not.

I'll say "did you check the list/look in the bin?" And he'll say "oh yeah that didn't occur to me."

Then he'll look at the list and/or look in the bin, and he'll say to DD "okay what do you want, do you want rice and peanut sauce?" And she'll say no and he'll look at me and say "I don't know, I don't know what I'm supposed to give her."

It's maddening.

[Anonymous]

How in the world can he be "a generally good partner" if you think of his actions as "weaponized incompetence?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has some misogynistic tendencies and deep down, thinks this time is more important than yours. That’s the crux of it, but you can’t force him to change.

Honestly, I would withhold sex. This assumes you’re having regular sex. If he starts pouting, that you can say, “when you act incompetent, it makes you unsexy.” I bet you he would change the game real quick. Again, I know it’s petty, but if he wants to be foolish, he can reap the consequences.

One of the things I really like about my husband is he’s “a real man.” He plans things, he organizes. He’s dependable on big and little things. And that is hot. A real man is hot.

NP

I’ll try that but I think it’d be met with a bunch of gaslighting and excuses about how busy he is providing his half the income to the household. He’s just so busy and important. And can’t give up his 8-10pm Netflix time. Or touch his dirty dishes from WFH each day.

So? He can’t argue you into sex with him. Just shrug your shoulders and turn over and go to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Learned helplessness, is a good term. And it may have started with his mother.

You have to be willing to let him do it his way if you want it done, not your way.

Or division of labor.

I have posted this before, but my DH had a friend who bragged to us both that if he waits until the last minute to do his portion of the work, his DW invariable did it because she wanted it done. Win win for him.

This DH sounds like he gets out of a lot by being incompetent. And I don't doubt that some of these issues are harder than just cleaning a toilet, but he has to suck it up and be an adult and learn. Also, we have no idea how he is at work. Maybe he's one of those brilliant scientists who people put up with because he has a particular expertise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It strikes me that he is struggling with this supposed incompetence in "pink" areas; in other words, tasks that misogyny has historically relegated to women -- cleaning and child care. I say supposed because I think I agree with you; that he likely just doesn't want to do it.

I don't know what you do about this. It has got to be hella frustrating.

OP here and yes, this is a pattern with him. Sometimes he'll even vocalize it like "ugh this isn't very manly" if he's doing something he thinks of as feminine. We've talked about it and he knows this attitude is toxic and sets a bad example for the kids. I think the feigned is something he may have developed in response to this, like he wants to say "ugh no that's a woman's job" but knows that's bad so instead he's like "huh, too hard, I can't figure it out."

Quit your job and tell him money earning is a man’s job and you won’t be doing it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

This. OP, your husband sounds like a total loser. Choose better next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learned helplessness, is a good term. And it may have started with his mother.

You have to be willing to let him do it his way if you want it done, not your way.

Or division of labor.

I have posted this before, but my DH had a friend who bragged to us both that if he waits until the last minute to do his portion of the work, his DW invariable did it because she wanted it done. Win win for him.

This DH sounds like he gets out of a lot by being incompetent. And I don't doubt that some of these issues are harder than just cleaning a toilet, but he has to suck it up and be an adult and learn. Also, we have no idea how he is at work. Maybe he's one of those brilliant scientists who people put up with because he has a particular expertise.

Please stop with this BS.

[Anonymous]

Did you yell at him when he ruined the rug? Or make passive statements?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help. Teach. Make it easier. Encourage. Praise. Reward. Boast about it to others from where he can hear.

No, OP was asking about her DH, not her toddler.

It makes other people want to vomit when you use them as a venue for manipulative fake bragging.

Yes but since OP didn't make sure of DH's maturity before marriage, they've to do something to improve the situation, specially if they live DH and he is a good father and spouse. If nothing else, get them evaluated for ADHD.