This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

[Anonymous]

I had a conversation where I told my husband that if someone at work were as incompetent there as he was at home, he wouldn’t tolerate it.
“Think about it this way. You have worked here for 11 years. If you don’t know where the towels or the pens are, then you should figure it out.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.

I would keep the school stuff. Unless you two are in constant communication, it’s a lot easier if one person handles it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to stop helping him. Just stop. Also stop asking him to do things like vacuum or clean. Things won’t get done the way you want and they often won’t get done. It will still suck, but it will be a better dynamic than you have now.

Honestly, better. It’s much better if you don’t try to control other adults. It’s possible that he’ll watch you scrubbing the toilet while he sits on the couch and he’ll suddenly go pick up the vacuum. It’s also possible, and perhaps more likely, that he’s still sitting on the couch with his thumb up his rear when you walk out the door for the last time. But that’s still better than trying to be his mommy.

You have to stare into the abyss here and get cool with the risk. You have to let him be who he is and accept that it might not be good enough. You’ll get to a more honest place and then you can decide what to do.

THIS x infinity

I would also stop assuming he’s deliberately trying to “force” you to do anything and instead consider the possibility that he JUST.DOES.NOT.CARE about these things.

For example, it sounds like he’ll make sure your kid eats but he can’t be bothered to jump through all the hoops laid out by the dietician. I admit I rolled my eyes at the description of your picky eater, so maybe he also thinks it’s stupid.

My husband does so much around the house in terms of straightening up (I am the messy clutter bug) but other than stuff like dishes he just doesn’t clean. As far as I know he doesn’t expect me to do it, I think he simply doesn’t notice or care if it’s been a month since we’ve vacuumed or something. (Obvious acute messes are different, of course.)

I’m the partner who tends to ignore the school stuff. It’s not great, but I feel like they send home so much useless information that I just can’t be bothered anymore. My kids will tell me themselves if there’s something actually important coming up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

No, actually, a bowl of cereal is not fine. Because dad gets to slack off and then mom has to make it up on the back end by making sure kid has to have all the nutritious meals. It’s really not OK at all. One parent gets all the shortcuts and the other parent to compensate? No way. I’m tired of this faulty line of logic.

It’s like the dad who always gets the kid fast food, and everyone says “The kid is fed. What’s the big deal?” Well, the big deal is that mom spends all the time and energy making nutritious food so kid has some vitamins and minerals. Not fair for one parent to hog all the shortcuts. He’s doing it at wife’s expense, and he knows it.

Again, it's FINE. You're the one obssessed with "vitamins and minerals" and "nutritious food."

There's plenty of vitamins in cereal. And most fast food is perfectly portioned with a balance of carbohydrates and fats.

Obsessing about nutrition in such a way is a ticket to an eating disorder. Dad's way sounds more relaxing, which is ultimately healthier.

This is a child who ALREADY has disordered eating and is working with healthcare professionals to overcome it. The DH here is not following the medical advice for his child because he cannot be bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a perfectionist, he'll feel less intimidated around you.

Lol

This is basic $h1t you do so you don’t wreck your house or its materials.

That said these long DCUM posts regurgitating other posts seem like Troll Posts.
Let’s see how zany the Troll gets with sock puppeting and addl “forgotten” crazy details

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

No, actually, a bowl of cereal is not fine. Because dad gets to slack off and then mom has to make it up on the back end by making sure kid has to have all the nutritious meals. It’s really not OK at all. One parent gets all the shortcuts and the other parent to compensate? No way. I’m tired of this faulty line of logic.

It’s like the dad who always gets the kid fast food, and everyone says “The kid is fed. What’s the big deal?” Well, the big deal is that mom spends all the time and energy making nutritious food so kid has some vitamins and minerals. Not fair for one parent to hog all the shortcuts. He’s doing it at wife’s expense, and he knows it.

Again, it's FINE. You're the one obssessed with "vitamins and minerals" and "nutritious food."

There's plenty of vitamins in cereal. And most fast food is perfectly portioned with a balance of carbohydrates and fats.

Obsessing about nutrition in such a way is a ticket to an eating disorder. Dad's way sounds more relaxing, which is ultimately healthier.

This is a child who ALREADY has disordered eating and is working with healthcare professionals to overcome it. The DH here is not following the medical advice for his child because he cannot be bothered.

This person sounds like they would refuse to give their kid required meds because it was "too hard". I really hope they don't have children if they are this cavalier with their health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, but it’s irritating as hell. My DH is similar. He is taking oldest dc skiing because they have a day off school. We have an event to go to this evening at 6:30pm and he knows this. Yet he asks me if 5pm is when he should be home. I’m like, IDK when you get home, you decide how much time you need to be back in order to be ready for the 6:30 event. And. He. Just. Won’t. Make. A. Decision. Needs me to tell him when to be home 🙄🙄🙄

DP, but just empathizing. Mine will be in charge of taking a kid to his game. I tell him what time the game is and how long it takes to get there (because he has not checked TeamSnap or Google Maps), and he will still ask what time he needs to leave.

Ugh. Mine is this way. He has access to the same team app with the same exact info I have. And it takes 1min to look. But still…”where is the game?” “what color jersey are they supposed to wear?” “what time does it start?” etc etc. The info is right.there. on his phone and couldn’t possibly be made more convenient. Drives me insane.

Yall need to STOP answering these questions and say, "You can figure out those answers just as easily as I can." And then refuse to engage further

Yup.

That would suss out weaponized uncompetitive VS true idiot VS uncaring a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "your standards are too high" posts are predictable but off base. This is a man who is claiming he doesn't know HOW to use a vacuum cleaner. That's not a standards issue. A 6 yr old can use a vacuum.

I do think sometimes men are like this because we they had fathers who yelled at them constantly and mothers who coddled them. So they never learned a bunch of basic life skills because their fathers expected them to know it without learning (and screamed at them when the didn't) and then mothers who rushed in and said "oh I'll do it for you." Just the worst of all possible parenting techniques.

They see their boss as their dad so the scramble to figure work out to please daddy. And they see their wives as their moms and expect her to swoop in and make it all better.

Their fathers expected nothing of the sort

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has some misogynistic tendencies and deep down, thinks this time is more important than yours. That’s the crux of it, but you can’t force him to change.

Honestly, I would withhold sex. This assumes you’re having regular sex. If he starts pouting, that you can say, “when you act incompetent, it makes you unsexy.” I bet you he would change the game real quick. Again, I know it’s petty, but if he wants to be foolish, he can reap the consequences.

One of the things I really like about my husband is he’s “a real man.” He plans things, he organizes. He’s dependable on big and little things. And that is hot. A real man is hot.

NP

I’ll try that but I think it’d be met with a bunch of gaslighting and excuses about how busy he is providing his half the income to the household. He’s just so busy and important. And can’t give up his 8-10pm Netflix time. Or touch his dirty dishes from WFH each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, but it’s irritating as hell. My DH is similar. He is taking oldest dc skiing because they have a day off school. We have an event to go to this evening at 6:30pm and he knows this. Yet he asks me if 5pm is when he should be home. I’m like, IDK when you get home, you decide how much time you need to be back in order to be ready for the 6:30 event. And. He. Just. Won’t. Make. A. Decision. Needs me to tell him when to be home 🙄🙄🙄

Because he'll get criticized by you for being too late if he picks a time and you felt it was not OK. That's why he was confirming acceptable time.

In that case he’d be criticized by everyone for having bad judgement and missing the next obligationS

Is he that clueless and careless about getting to clients on time or work trips?

You are saying he’s a working adult and still can plan backwards when to leave to be on time for something. Not acceptable.

You’d fire a nanny for that Bs. Calling and texting all the time for basic stuff and clock math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

No, actually, a bowl of cereal is not fine. Because dad gets to slack off and then mom has to make it up on the back end by making sure kid has to have all the nutritious meals. It’s really not OK at all. One parent gets all the shortcuts and the other parent to compensate? No way. I’m tired of this faulty line of logic.

It’s like the dad who always gets the kid fast food, and everyone says “The kid is fed. What’s the big deal?” Well, the big deal is that mom spends all the time and energy making nutritious food so kid has some vitamins and minerals. Not fair for one parent to hog all the shortcuts. He’s doing it at wife’s expense, and he knows it.

Again, it's FINE. You're the one obssessed with "vitamins and minerals" and "nutritious food."

There's plenty of vitamins in cereal. And most fast food is perfectly portioned with a balance of carbohydrates and fats.

Obsessing about nutrition in such a way is a ticket to an eating disorder. Dad's way sounds more relaxing, which is ultimately healthier.

Ah the OP sock puppeting already has begun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, but it’s irritating as hell. My DH is similar. He is taking oldest dc skiing because they have a day off school. We have an event to go to this evening at 6:30pm and he knows this. Yet he asks me if 5pm is when he should be home. I’m like, IDK when you get home, you decide how much time you need to be back in order to be ready for the 6:30 event. And. He. Just. Won’t. Make. A. Decision. Needs me to tell him when to be home 🙄🙄🙄

Wrong. You weren’t there. I told him I didn’t care what time he got home and I meant it. The thing we’re going to isn’t a big deal, we just need to show up. It is entirely up to him how much down time he needs before going. Because he is the one going skiing.

Because he'll get criticized by you for being too late if he picks a time and you felt it was not OK. That's why he was confirming acceptable time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]Help. Teach. Make it easier. Encourage. Praise. Reward. Boast about it to others from where he can hear.

[/b]




No, she shouldn't have to do all of that. this is a marriage. Barring an excuse like ADHD, they need couple's therapy so he can HEAR how frustrating this is for her. This is not acceptable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]Help. Teach. Make it easier. Encourage. Praise. Reward. Boast about it to others from where he can hear.

[/b]




No, she shouldn't have to do all of that. this is a marriage. Barring an excuse like ADHD, they need couple's therapy so he can HEAR how frustrating this is for her. This is not acceptable

+1
She signed on to marry him, not be his mother and train him like a dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It strikes me that he is struggling with this supposed incompetence in "pink" areas; in other words, tasks that misogyny has historically relegated to women -- cleaning and child care. I say supposed because I think I agree with you; that he likely just doesn't want to do it.

I don't know what you do about this. It has got to be hella frustrating.

OP here and yes, this is a pattern with him. Sometimes he'll even vocalize it like "ugh this isn't very manly" if he's doing something he thinks of as feminine. We've talked about it and he knows this attitude is toxic and sets a bad example for the kids. I think the feigned is something he may have developed in response to this, like he wants to say "ugh no that's a woman's job" but knows that's bad so instead he's like "huh, too hard, I can't figure it out."