This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?
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Anonymous
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My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.
But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples: - We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat. - He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make. - He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc. - He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school. How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do. |
Anonymous
| Help. Teach. Make it easier. Encourage. Praise. Reward. Boast about it to others from where he can hear. |
Anonymous
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You have to stop helping him. Just stop. Also stop asking him to do things like vacuum or clean. Things won’t get done the way you want and they often won’t get done. It will still suck, but it will be a better dynamic than you have now.
Honestly, better. It’s much better if you don’t try to control other adults. It’s possible that he’ll watch you scrubbing the toilet while he sits on the couch and he’ll suddenly go pick up the vacuum. It’s also possible, and perhaps more likely, that he’s still sitting on the couch with his thumb up his rear when you walk out the door for the last time. But that’s still better than trying to be his mommy. You have to stare into the abyss here and get cool with the risk. You have to let him be who he is and accept that it might not be good enough. You’ll get to a more honest place and then you can decide what to do. |
Anonymous
| Don't be a perfectionist, he'll feel less intimidated around you. |
Anonymous
No, OP was asking about her DH, not her toddler. It makes other people want to vomit when you use them as a venue for manipulative fake bragging. |
Anonymous
| I don’t know, op, but it’s irritating as hell. My DH is similar. He is taking oldest dc skiing because they have a day off school. We have an event to go to this evening at 6:30pm and he knows this. Yet he asks me if 5pm is when he should be home. I’m like, IDK when you get home, you decide how much time you need to be back in order to be ready for the 6:30 event. And. He. Just. Won’t. Make. A. Decision. Needs me to tell him when to be home 🙄🙄🙄 |
Anonymous
DP, but just empathizing. Mine will be in charge of taking a kid to his game. I tell him what time the game is and how long it takes to get there (because he has not checked TeamSnap or Google Maps), and he will still ask what time he needs to leave. 
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Anonymous
Ugh. Mine is this way. He has access to the same team app with the same exact info I have. And it takes 1min to look. But still…”where is the game?” “what color jersey are they supposed to wear?” “what time does it start?” etc etc. The info is right.there. on his phone and couldn’t possibly be made more convenient. Drives me insane. |
Anonymous
Yall need to STOP answering these questions and say, "You can figure out those answers just as easily as I can." And then refuse to engage further |
Anonymous
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Wow. Didn’t read the examples. He is not a good partner because he acts like a child or he does not do things to your standards.
He’s some kind of safety net either economic or social. You are happy to be frustrated because you need his income or are terrified of being alone. Seriously if the toilet isn’t scrubbed to your liking what difference does it make. Will you die? Serious question - do you have a phobia or a medical condition. Handling the kids…….. why do you need to tell him when anything is. He’s such a great partner and dad so why would you need to tell him about anything involving your kids? Every other post on DCUM is this. And you have the BS partners so you fret over your kids (grades and schools and what travel sport) because your darling husbands are checked out. |
Anonymous
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The "your standards are too high" posts are predictable but off base. This is a man who is claiming he doesn't know HOW to use a vacuum cleaner. That's not a standards issue. A 6 yr old can use a vacuum.
I do think sometimes men are like this because we they had fathers who yelled at them constantly and mothers who coddled them. So they never learned a bunch of basic life skills because their fathers expected them to know it without learning (and screamed at them when the didn't) and then mothers who rushed in and said "oh I'll do it for you." Just the worst of all possible parenting techniques. They see their boss as their dad so the scramble to figure work out to please daddy. And they see their wives as their moms and expect her to swoop in and make it all better. |
Anonymous
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It strikes me that he is struggling with this supposed incompetence in "pink" areas; in other words, tasks that misogyny has historically relegated to women -- cleaning and child care. I say supposed because I think I agree with you; that he likely just doesn't want to do it.
I don't know what you do about this. It has got to be hella frustrating. |
Anonymous
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Another idea is division of labor. My DH has never registered for a summer camp, aftercare, etc. I do that. But he makes dinner and lunches.
What are the things that can be put in his lane and you take off your plate? |
Anonymous
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God he sounds like a f***ing idiot.
But for the cleaning supplies, do you have a label maker? You could make big ass labels and put "TOILET" and "SHOWER" or whatever on them. And then when he still gets confused ask if he can f***ing read (dont do that, but I'd think it...) |
Anonymous
| So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him. |