This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

[Anonymous]

For the picky eating you can post the rules in the fridge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a perfectionist, he'll feel less intimidated around you.

This is such whiny crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a perfectionist, he'll feel less intimidated around you.

This is such whiny crap.

Weak, whiny, man-baby garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the picky eating you can post the rules in the fridge.

OP here, and they are on the fridge. There's also a bin in the pantry with all the foods she eats and laminated guides for preparing dishes (these are for her because she's supposed to help us prepare her meals or do it herself, but I mean he is welcome to consult them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Didn’t read the examples. He is not a good partner because he acts like a child or he does not do things to your standards.

He’s some kind of safety net either economic or social. You are happy to be frustrated because you need his income or are terrified of being alone.

Seriously if the toilet isn’t scrubbed to your liking what difference does it make. Will you die? Serious question - do you have a phobia or a medical condition.

Handling the kids…….. why do you need to tell him when anything is. He’s such a great partner and dad so why would you need to tell him about anything involving your kids?

Every other post on DCUM is this. And you have the BS partners so you fret over your kids (grades and schools and what travel sport) because your darling husbands are checked out.

Read the examples before you post.
OP is literally saying the opposite of this. She doesn’t care how he does things and doesn’t want him to ask her about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the picky eating you can post the rules in the fridge.

OP here, and they are on the fridge. There's also a bin in the pantry with all the foods she eats and laminated guides for preparing dishes (these are for her because she's supposed to help us prepare her meals or do it herself, but I mean he is welcome to consult them).

In that case, I think your problem is bigger than I thought. He doesn’t want to do it. I dealt with this from my exDH it broke our marriage. I insisted upon continuing to request things and would feel very disrespected when it didn’t happen. Eventually he felt like I was more of his mom than his wife and I felt similarly. You have decide if this is worth it. It’s the saying do you wanna be right or be married. You are right here OP, but sometimes you have to let stuff slide to keep the marriage on a good footing. So you should think about if you can make the internal changes necessary to not let this bother you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

[Anonymous]

He has some misogynistic tendencies and deep down, thinks this time is more important than yours. That’s the crux of it, but you can’t force him to change.

Honestly, I would withhold sex. This assumes you’re having regular sex. If he starts pouting, that you can say, “when you act incompetent, it makes you unsexy.” I bet you he would change the game real quick. Again, I know it’s petty, but if he wants to be foolish, he can reap the consequences.

One of the things I really like about my husband is he’s “a real man.” He plans things, he organizes. He’s dependable on big and little things. And that is hot. A real man is hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, but it’s irritating as hell. My DH is similar. He is taking oldest dc skiing because they have a day off school. We have an event to go to this evening at 6:30pm and he knows this. Yet he asks me if 5pm is when he should be home. I’m like, IDK when you get home, you decide how much time you need to be back in order to be ready for the 6:30 event. And. He. Just. Won’t. Make. A. Decision. Needs me to tell him when to be home 🙄🙄🙄

Because he'll get criticized by you for being too late if he picks a time and you felt it was not OK. That's why he was confirming acceptable time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

No, actually, a bowl of cereal is not fine. Because dad gets to slack off and then mom has to make it up on the back end by making sure kid has to have all the nutritious meals. It’s really not OK at all. One parent gets all the shortcuts and the other parent to compensate? No way. I’m tired of this faulty line of logic.

It’s like the dad who always gets the kid fast food, and everyone says “The kid is fed. What’s the big deal?” Well, the big deal is that mom spends all the time and energy making nutritious food so kid has some vitamins and minerals. Not fair for one parent to hog all the shortcuts. He’s doing it at wife’s expense, and he knows it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, op, but it’s irritating as hell. My DH is similar. He is taking oldest dc skiing because they have a day off school. We have an event to go to this evening at 6:30pm and he knows this. Yet he asks me if 5pm is when he should be home. I’m like, IDK when you get home, you decide how much time you need to be back in order to be ready for the 6:30 event. And. He. Just. Won’t. Make. A. Decision. Needs me to tell him when to be home 🙄🙄🙄

Because he'll get criticized by you for being too late if he picks a time and you felt it was not OK. That's why he was confirming acceptable time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

No, actually, a bowl of cereal is not fine. Because dad gets to slack off and then mom has to make it up on the back end by making sure kid has to have all the nutritious meals. It’s really not OK at all. One parent gets all the shortcuts and the other parent to compensate? No way. I’m tired of this faulty line of logic.

It’s like the dad who always gets the kid fast food, and everyone says “The kid is fed. What’s the big deal?” Well, the big deal is that mom spends all the time and energy making nutritious food so kid has some vitamins and minerals. Not fair for one parent to hog all the shortcuts. He’s doing it at wife’s expense, and he knows it.

Again, it's FINE. You're the one obssessed with "vitamins and minerals" and "nutritious food."

There's plenty of vitamins in cereal. And most fast food is perfectly portioned with a balance of carbohydrates and fats.

Obsessing about nutrition in such a way is a ticket to an eating disorder. Dad's way sounds more relaxing, which is ultimately healthier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds to me like you have a history of being critical and have made the fundamental mistake of choosing to both tell him what to do AND tell him how to do it. And so he has concluded it is safest to avoid the activity, and your criticism. It's not "weaponized incompetence." It's "learned helplessness" and you probably taught him.

The nutritionist and pediatrician are telling them how to feed their kid, not OP.

And him giving her a bowl of cereal IS PERFECTLY FINE. The fact that she comes and harps on here about it is very telling. She sounds really rigid and her whole mentality is "why is he such a screw up" instead of considering "what is it about MY behavior that causes him to react this way?"

No, actually, a bowl of cereal is not fine. Because dad gets to slack off and then mom has to make it up on the back end by making sure kid has to have all the nutritious meals. It’s really not OK at all. One parent gets all the shortcuts and the other parent to compensate? No way. I’m tired of this faulty line of logic.

It’s like the dad who always gets the kid fast food, and everyone says “The kid is fed. What’s the big deal?” Well, the big deal is that mom spends all the time and energy making nutritious food so kid has some vitamins and minerals. Not fair for one parent to hog all the shortcuts. He’s doing it at wife’s expense, and he knows it.

Again, it's FINE. You're the one obssessed with "vitamins and minerals" and "nutritious food."

There's plenty of vitamins in cereal. And most fast food is perfectly portioned with a balance of carbohydrates and fats.

Obsessing about nutrition in such a way is a ticket to an eating disorder. Dad's way sounds more relaxing, which is ultimately healthier.

You're trolling too hard. 1/10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the picky eating you can post the rules in the fridge.

OP here, and they are on the fridge. There's also a bin in the pantry with all the foods she eats and laminated guides for preparing dishes (these are for her because she's supposed to help us prepare her meals or do it herself, but I mean he is welcome to consult them).

So when he says "he doesn't know how to feed her," what do you say and what is his response? I was originally assuming he was acting in good faith but clearly he is not.