Dating someone who cheated on their spouse

[Anonymous]

Are you going to marry them ? If not, just have fun and don’t worry. Relationship will run its usual course

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a good sign they told you. Are they in therapy and regretful?

I might date someone like this but I would almost certainly not marry them.

He is in therapy and claims to be regretful. But my gut tells me it happened more than once.

If he told you he cheated because of X and X is not because he was immature and selfish but X blames his wife or their relationship, I could not get out fast enough.

This. The only cheater Is ever date would say “I was immature”. Or “I was completely in the wrong.” No blame on the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most divorced men have cheated so that narrows the dating pool a ton.

Classic DCUM, toss around "most X have done Y" like you personally conducted a statisically valid survey. Can the unearned confidence and give OP an actual experience you can describe which she might find helpful. But throwing around huge generalizations means nothing.

[Anonymous]

I guess if you all shot and killed someone, no one should give you a second chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess if you all shot and killed someone, no one should give you a second chance?

What the fuck?

Why would I ever be shooting (and killing) anyone? What a bizarre leap. But no, I don't think I'd want to date a murder either...

Cheating is like murder of a relationship I guess?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe we can fix that cheater lady up with OP's cheater date. They sound perfect for one another. I'm sure their marriage will have the expected 75% divorce rate for people like them. Let's bet on which one of them cheats first after the new relationship energy wears off...

Amy Robach and TJ Homes were made for one another--serial cheaters with multiple divorces and confessed to excess drinking/troubles with alcohol and already trouble in paradise after wrecking yet another marriage with kids...and their faithful exes are now dating.

My point exactly from the previous page. If you've cheated, please find someone else who has as well.

Not to mention she never confessed. She dragged this guy to marriage therapy and was never honest in. The huge elephant in the room that she was having an affair never even was brought up. That’s about as conniving, manipulating and disgusting as it gets—-letting her husband attend therapy under completely false pretense. She knows if she confessed it would make her pay out/settlement more contentious. Much better to let him think it’s his fault. What an evil beatch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not in the dating market. How many good-looking men with a good career are single in their 40s or beyond and never cheated? Life has admittedly made me cynical, but it seems most of the single men in their 40s or beyond who are divorced either (i) cheated and admitted it, (ii) cheated and denied it, or (iii) are total duds and their wives divorced them because they are a liability. Are there that many single, good-looking men with a good career in mid-life who are just a total catch and are victims in their divorce?

Probably just as well you are not on the market.
It’s mostly women who initiate divorce and they are not infallible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.

Yeah you can’t work on “getting strange D” in a marriage.

What was missing in your marriage was your honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe we can fix that cheater lady up with OP's cheater date. They sound perfect for one another. I'm sure their marriage will have the expected 75% divorce rate for people like them. Let's bet on which one of them cheats first after the new relationship energy wears off...

Amy Robach and TJ Homes were made for one another--serial cheaters with multiple divorces and confessed to excess drinking/troubles with alcohol and already trouble in paradise after wrecking yet another marriage with kids...and their faithful exes are now dating.

My point exactly from the previous page. If you've cheated, please find someone else who has as well.

Not to mention she never confessed. She dragged this guy to marriage therapy and was never honest in. The huge elephant in the room that she was having an affair never even was brought up. That’s about as conniving, manipulating and disgusting as it gets—-letting her husband attend therapy under completely false pretense. She knows if she confessed it would make her pay out/settlement more contentious. Much better to let him think it’s his fault. What an evil beatch.

Yeah, the bold caught my attention too. She was doing therapy in bad faith.

I wonder if she was so adept at compartmentalizing, keeping her affair walled off from the rest of her life, that she genuinely thought there was simply no reason to mention it as a symptom (or cause) as they dissected their marriage in counseling.

And I suspect she might have told herself she didn't want to hurt her husband by telling him. But instead she stripped him of true agency over his own life and choices. That's one awful aspect of the whole "Spouse doesn't need to know" thinking re: every affair. The spouse may not feel the pain, but at the same time, the spouse also is living every day without without ALL the relevant information when planning for the future--the future of the marriage, the kids' futures, the spouse's hopes. The DH deserved the opportunity to have all the information so he could make choices about the marriage, his wife and the future based on reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.

"Due to factors I can't control"? I know you won't come back to answer this but I wonder if you mean your DH had physical illness or injury issues, or mental health issues, meaning he either wasn't fully capable of intercourse or not capable of the kind of intercourse you desired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if you all shot and killed someone, no one should give you a second chance?

What the fuck?

Why would I ever be shooting (and killing) anyone? What a bizarre leap. But no, I don't think I'd want to date a murder either...

Cheating is like murder of a relationship I guess?

The point is giving second chances… So quick to judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if you all shot and killed someone, no one should give you a second chance?

What the fuck?

Why would I ever be shooting (and killing) anyone? What a bizarre leap. But no, I don't think I'd want to date a murder either...

Cheating is like murder of a relationship I guess?

The point is giving second chances… So quick to judge.

The point is there's nothing wrong with not wanting to date a murderer or a cheater. But I guess you can always start writing prisoners if you want to give them a second chance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if you all shot and killed someone, no one should give you a second chance?

What the fuck?

Why would I ever be shooting (and killing) anyone? What a bizarre leap. But no, I don't think I'd want to date a murder either...

Cheating is like murder of a relationship I guess?

The point is giving second chances… So quick to judge.

Nobody is obligated to date a thief, a cheater, a murderer or past addict. It is ok for it to be a dealbreaker. It’s not OP’s job to give all the offenders in the world another go.

As far as second chances, that would be on his spouse (you know the one he cheated on) —and she might have for all OP knows. The fact she divorced him after discovery of cheating means he had a lot more issues than just that.

Looking for red flags, that’s what people do when evaluating romantic partners, potential BF/GF, getting caught cheating in an affair by his wife would definitely be a major one. Stop at go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe we can fix that cheater lady up with OP's cheater date. They sound perfect for one another. I'm sure their marriage will have the expected 75% divorce rate for people like them. Let's bet on which one of them cheats first after the new relationship energy wears off...

Amy Robach and TJ Homes were made for one another--serial cheaters with multiple divorces and confessed to excess drinking/troubles with alcohol and already trouble in paradise after wrecking yet another marriage with kids...and their faithful exes are now dating.

My point exactly from the previous page. If you've cheated, please find someone else who has as well.

Not to mention she never confessed. She dragged this guy to marriage therapy and was never honest in. The huge elephant in the room that she was having an affair never even was brought up. That’s about as conniving, manipulating and disgusting as it gets—-letting her husband attend therapy under completely false pretense. She knows if she confessed it would make her pay out/settlement more contentious. Much better to let him think it’s his fault. What an evil beatch.

Yeah, the bold caught my attention too. She was doing therapy in bad faith.

I wonder if she was so adept at compartmentalizing, keeping her affair walled off from the rest of her life, that she genuinely thought there was simply no reason to mention it as a symptom (or cause) as they dissected their marriage in counseling.

And I suspect she might have told herself she didn't want to hurt her husband by telling him. But instead she stripped him of true agency over his own life and choices. That's one awful aspect of the whole "Spouse doesn't need to know" thinking re: every affair. The spouse may not feel the pain, but at the same time, the spouse also is living every day without without ALL the relevant information when planning for the future--the future of the marriage, the kids' futures, the spouse's hopes. The DH deserved the opportunity to have all the information so he could make choices about the marriage, his wife and the future based on reality.

+100 The lowest of the low.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. You know this deep down, right? Look beyond the shiny exterior of him being handsome and having a good career. And being a good dad? Somebody who cheats on their wife, their kids’ mom, knowing it will break their hearts and rip apart their family, stability, and life? That’s not a good dad, not s good person.