I Miss Being In Love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

Not OP, and significantly happier in my marriage than OP is, but as a woman married to a man, this comment made me both guffaw and tear up a little. Yes! Women want to live fulfilling lives. Why do so many men not (1) also want this, or (2) understand that effort is involved in making it happen? A mystery for the ages.

OP here — I don’t get it either. DH’s life consists of work, eating, chores, bed and it’s not because he’s too busy for anything else. It’s like a failure of imagination, fear of new things, addiction to routine, something that just makes him unable to look around the world and be curious.

Read Berenstain Bears Too Much TV with him and ask him to try a week off for you. Maybe he's addicted to TV.

[Anonymous]

OP honestly, it sounds like you just have an absolute ton of contempt for your husband, and I think we all know that doesn't bode well for the marriage. You just see yourself as superior, but guess what, should you get divorced, he's going to find a woman who appreciates him, farts and fat and all, much faster than you will find a man who meets your standards. I say this as a wife who related to a lot of what you wrote.

When I took a step back and really tried to think about DH in an objective way, I think that a lot of women would be thrilled to have him, partly because most men are junky, and partly because he has a lot of genuine good qualities. But we had other, more intense issues, and I told DH it was therapy or divorce so we are in therapy.

Something that helps is a class or activity you do just the two of you. We take a dance class and it is a nice way to connect and have a mini date night every week. You have to reconnect and do fun things together, dates, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

My parents are 75 and 78. They love movies and saw at least one every week when I was still at home. They’re not adventurous eaters but they went out to eat together regularly. They travelled. They talked to each other. My father brought home flowers every Friday of their marriage.
And they somehow managed to be very involved parents too.

Since I moved out thirty years ago, they’ve fallen in love again. They took dance lessons, cooking classes, have travelled the world, entertain their friends, go to plays, the ballet, sports events. I even found The Joy of Sex in a drawer, which I don’t think they had for the first twenty years of their marriage.

It’s possible to have a solid stable and fun and loving marriage, even you’re compatible and value your partner’s happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

Maybe when you turn 70 but not in your 40s. Wow some of you all are just fine with settling with unfulfilled lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try marriage counseling. He should at least be able to adjust the sex part.

Why post if you haven't at least skimmed the thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly, it sounds like you just have an absolute ton of contempt for your husband, and I think we all know that doesn't bode well for the marriage. You just see yourself as superior, but guess what, should you get divorced, he's going to find a woman who appreciates him, farts and fat and all, much faster than you will find a man who meets your standards. I say this as a wife who related to a lot of what you wrote.

When I took a step back and really tried to think about DH in an objective way, I think that a lot of women would be thrilled to have him, partly because most men are junky, and partly because he has a lot of genuine good qualities. But we had other, more intense issues, and I told DH it was therapy or divorce so we are in therapy.

Something that helps is a class or activity you do just the two of you. We take a dance class and it is a nice way to connect and have a mini date night every week. You have to reconnect and do fun things together, dates, etc.

Have you read the thread? He won’t do a class or date night. That’s what OP wants. The fat and farting are the least of it. Out of shape men can be sexy if they learn to tango with you, want to enjoy a nice dinner out and appreciate you in lingerie. This guy doesn’t want to do anything but eat, sleep and work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly, it sounds like you just have an absolute ton of contempt for your husband, and I think we all know that doesn't bode well for the marriage. You just see yourself as superior, but guess what, should you get divorced, he's going to find a woman who appreciates him, farts and fat and all, much faster than you will find a man who meets your standards. I say this as a wife who related to a lot of what you wrote.

When I took a step back and really tried to think about DH in an objective way, I think that a lot of women would be thrilled to have him, partly because most men are junky, and partly because he has a lot of genuine good qualities. But we had other, more intense issues, and I told DH it was therapy or divorce so we are in therapy.

Something that helps is a class or activity you do just the two of you. We take a dance class and it is a nice way to connect and have a mini date night every week. You have to reconnect and do fun things together, dates, etc.

Have you read the thread? He won’t do a class or date night. That’s what OP wants. The fat and farting are the least of it. Out of shape men can be sexy if they learn to tango with you, want to enjoy a nice dinner out and appreciate you in lingerie. This guy doesn’t want to do anything but eat, sleep and work.

I re-read the thread and it doesn't say specifically that he refuses these things if she signs up, just that he doesn't want to do new things. My husband sounds extremely similar to OP's in many ways- highly averse to change, creature of routine, super stressed out over "new" sex things and not that interested in sex (maybe there is something in the water?). It took my poor husband 10 years before he let me be on top, and he used to be so loopy about getting oral. HIM doing oral? HA! In my dreams. So I am truly RIGHT THERE with OP.

At one point I signed us up for a dance class, and we did it no matter how nervous and upset he was about trying a new thing. And guess what! He liked it! And it was really fun! It was a wonderful way to reconnect. You HAVE to find ways to reconnect. Why? Because you are the one unhappy with the status quo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly, it sounds like you just have an absolute ton of contempt for your husband, and I think we all know that doesn't bode well for the marriage. You just see yourself as superior, but guess what, should you get divorced, he's going to find a woman who appreciates him, farts and fat and all, much faster than you will find a man who meets your standards. I say this as a wife who related to a lot of what you wrote.

When I took a step back and really tried to think about DH in an objective way, I think that a lot of women would be thrilled to have him, partly because most men are junky, and partly because he has a lot of genuine good qualities. But we had other, more intense issues, and I told DH it was therapy or divorce so we are in therapy.

Something that helps is a class or activity you do just the two of you. We take a dance class and it is a nice way to connect and have a mini date night every week. You have to reconnect and do fun things together, dates, etc.

Read the OP again. He’s not interested in even this little effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly, it sounds like you just have an absolute ton of contempt for your husband, and I think we all know that doesn't bode well for the marriage. You just see yourself as superior, but guess what, should you get divorced, he's going to find a woman who appreciates him, farts and fat and all, much faster than you will find a man who meets your standards. I say this as a wife who related to a lot of what you wrote.

When I took a step back and really tried to think about DH in an objective way, I think that a lot of women would be thrilled to have him, partly because most men are junky, and partly because he has a lot of genuine good qualities. But we had other, more intense issues, and I told DH it was therapy or divorce so we are in therapy.

Something that helps is a class or activity you do just the two of you. We take a dance class and it is a nice way to connect and have a mini date night every week. You have to reconnect and do fun things together, dates, etc.

Have you read the thread? He won’t do a class or date night. That’s what OP wants. The fat and farting are the least of it. Out of shape men can be sexy if they learn to tango with you, want to enjoy a nice dinner out and appreciate you in lingerie. This guy doesn’t want to do anything but eat, sleep and work.

OP here — Thanks for saving me time and clarifying my post for PP. DH has said repeatedly he doesn’t want to do any of the things the other PP suggested. That’s the whole point of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly, it sounds like you just have an absolute ton of contempt for your husband, and I think we all know that doesn't bode well for the marriage. You just see yourself as superior, but guess what, should you get divorced, he's going to find a woman who appreciates him, farts and fat and all, much faster than you will find a man who meets your standards. I say this as a wife who related to a lot of what you wrote.

When I took a step back and really tried to think about DH in an objective way, I think that a lot of women would be thrilled to have him, partly because most men are junky, and partly because he has a lot of genuine good qualities. But we had other, more intense issues, and I told DH it was therapy or divorce so we are in therapy.

Something that helps is a class or activity you do just the two of you. We take a dance class and it is a nice way to connect and have a mini date night every week. You have to reconnect and do fun things together, dates, etc.

Have you read the thread? He won’t do a class or date night. That’s what OP wants. The fat and farting are the least of it. Out of shape men can be sexy if they learn to tango with you, want to enjoy a nice dinner out and appreciate you in lingerie. This guy doesn’t want to do anything but eat, sleep and work.

I re-read the thread and it doesn't say specifically that he refuses these things if she signs up, just that he doesn't want to do new things. My husband sounds extremely similar to OP's in many ways- highly averse to change, creature of routine, super stressed out over "new" sex things and not that interested in sex (maybe there is something in the water?). It took my poor husband 10 years before he let me be on top, and he used to be so loopy about getting oral. HIM doing oral? HA! In my dreams. So I am truly RIGHT THERE with OP.

At one point I signed us up for a dance class, and we did it no matter how nervous and upset he was about trying a new thing. And guess what! He liked it! And it was really fun! It was a wonderful way to reconnect. You HAVE to find ways to reconnect. Why? Because you are the one unhappy with the status quo.

OP here — It seems you’re skipping over the details I’ve already provided that would make clear your suggestions aren’t workable with my DH. I’m glad you and your DH are working things out though.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about individual therapy? I say this as someone who is in a similar position. I understand feeling guilty about thoughts of divorce over this. As you’ve noted, your husband has a lot of wonderful qualities. Maybe it is about practicing gratitude. Or maybe you are not well matched. Even if you were, people sometimes grow in different directions.

I think, as women, we are told we should be happy if we have a spouse who isn’t abusive, financially responsible, an alcoholic, etc. But this should be the floor!

And perhaps, for some who want to be certain of having someone at the end, this is the safe and wise path. But is it fulfilling?

I honestly don’t think there are right or wrong paths. Both can be equally fulfilling and unfulfilling, but only you can decide which one is right for you.

[Anonymous]

It's posts like these that make it very clear why women initiate most divorces in straight marriages and why lesbians have the highest divorce rate out of any type of couple

[Anonymous]

Bored people are boring, OP. Take some initiative to do fun things with your family, and spouse. No one can read your mind. You're an adult woman with agency, use it. It is no one else's responsibility to make you happy. It's your job to find ways to make you happy.

It ain't better out there, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. I’m in your shoes. I’m guessing most of us married the person we were dating because we really loved and appreciated that person.

Plenty of us here would not marry the person our spouse has become. Do you think he likes who he’s become? Is he truly content with that person? It doesn’t sound like you are (and rightfully so!)… and that’s not something that you should ignore and lie you yourself about for the next 40 years.

Yeah, people change. They become more of they really are, or they morph into someone even they themselves hardly recognize.

Try to figure out which direction he took here before you decide you need to get out.

[Anonymous]

I would have a serious, heart-to-heart talk w/your husband, preferably when the kids are not around & when he is in a good mood.

Let him know that you love him but feel like he needs to put a more concentrated effort in your marriage.
It doesn’t appear that he is doing so now and your marriage is suffering.

Ask him to do more, go out w/you more & try new things together.
And also he needs to step up in the bedroom…..
Be more adventurous, etc.

Let him know that these are SERIOUS issues for you and that unless he puts forth more effort into your relationship then you cannot go on w/the status quo.
Stress to him how serious you are.

If he still continues to not put any effort into changing your current marriage dynamic then you may have to decide on your own if you can continue on feeling the way you currently do.

Wish you the best >
Hoping things improve in the New Year❣️👍🏽