I Miss Being In Love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

OP here - As a man, do you find that you, too, prefer routine over trying new things? I don’t feel as if I’m asking for much, but I do know that what I consider living versus what he considers living differs very much. I never thought this might be an actual sex-based difference.

Nope, it is definitely not sex-based. If anything, in my experience men are more craving of variety, adventure, and trying new things than women BUT you can’t generalize- it truly depends on the individual. (Saying this as a woman).

[Anonymous]

Girl, me too. 2 great little kids and a hardworking but incredibly out-of-shape and emotionally reactive DH. Unlike yours, mine also has very low libido/low testosterone and hasn’t really been interested in sex since having kids. I’m a fit size 2, not that that’s everything but just since someone will say I probably got fat. The loneliness really hit me over the new year, so your post caught my eye.

I know I need to figure out my life at some point but it feels overwhelming right now.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered he might be on the spectrum? Sometimes these folks “pretend” to be someone they’re not to lock in a spouse. I wonder because of his social isolation, preference for rigid routine and low libido. Sometimes their sensory issues make sex seem like a chore. I wonder if you also feel emotionally disconnected from him? I had a marriage like this. I felt like I was dying before my time. I left, and I’ve never regretted it. Not one day.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want to save your marriage, you need to be honest with your H about your experience in the marriage, what you need in your marriage to feel fulfilled, AND at a bare minimum insist that he treat his depression, ASAP. You may need to consider giving him a consequence that you know you can follow through on if he does not take any steps. This has nothing to do with him liking routine and you wanting to try new things. He is literally choosing to stay depressed. Absolutely nothing will change until he decides he wants to take the steps to get well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

Way to gaslight the OP. No, to many (most?) people, marriage is not simply for “long term stability.” OPs concerns and feelings are completely valid, and apparently resonate with many on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

My parents are 75 and 78. They love movies and saw at least one every week when I was still at home. They’re not adventurous eaters but they went out to eat together regularly. They travelled. They talked to each other. My father brought home flowers every Friday of their marriage.
And they somehow managed to be very involved parents too.

Since I moved out thirty years ago, they’ve fallen in love again. They took dance lessons, cooking classes, have travelled the world, entertain their friends, go to plays, the ballet, sports events. I even found The Joy of Sex in a drawer, which I don’t think they had for the first twenty years of their marriage.

It’s possible to have a solid stable and fun and loving marriage, even you’re compatible and value your partner’s happiness.

OP here — Thanks for sharing this. I always thought what your parents have is the gold standard, but hardly rare or impossible to achieve in a marriage of two people who care about each other. There’s a core selfishness and intransigence in so many men, however. I wonder how many women of our generation will be glad we got married.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

Way to gaslight the OP. No, to many (most?) people, marriage is not simply for “long term stability.” OPs concerns and feelings are completely valid, and apparently resonate with many on this thread.

Way to misuse the term “gaslighting.” No, this is not gaslighting. It’s called having a different opinion and expressing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

It’s likely she *could have* done better but it’s highly unlikely she will do better now as a divorced mom of two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else miss being in love?

I’m a 39 year old mom of 2 married to a good DH for 12 years. On the plus side, he works hard for the family, shares chores, and loves me and our kids. He’s reliable and solid. I don’t worry he’ll cheat or run out on us. On the negative side, he’s overweight (I’m very fit), can be VERY argumentative and complaining, his family is awful to me (interracial couple), and he’s honestly bad in bed (with no improvement despite years of feedback). He also has gross habits — the type of guy who farts, picks his nose, and burps openly. Overall, it’s not perfect, but I can’t make a case for blowing up our lives by leaving.

Nonetheless, I have found myself deeply, achingly lonely and bored for a few years now. I find DH completely unromantic, boring, and stagnant. We share no hobbies or interests. I tried for years to find activities to do together, but he finally admitted he’s not up for trying new things. We have no friends in common and he barely sees his friends. He’s very content going to work, coming home to eat dinner in front of the tv, and going to bed after doing chores. On the weekends, he’s content doing stuff with the kids, eating out once or twice, and watching a lot of tv. He has a depression diagnosis but won’t take meds or go to therapy. He’s content just existing and I don’t begrudge him that, but being married to someone like this is killing me.

I’m not attracted to him anymore, but I have sex with him regularly purely because my sex drive has revved up over my 30s. I’m horny all the time, but the sex absolutely sucks. When I tried to spice up our sex life with extended foreplay, toys, sharing fantasies etc., he said I was acting weird and clammed up until we reverted to the same lame quickies in which he’s finished within minutes.

I’ve thrown myself into parenting, leaned into my job, got a certificate in a tough area of study, taken up new sports, become an avid chef, joined a book club, become politically active, decorated and redecorated our house…all over the past few years. I’m doing all the things alleviate my incredible boredom and loneliness in this marriage, but I still feel so unfulfilled.

I feel as if I’m drowning. Right now, he’s glued to sports on his phone as he eats his second serving of dinner. I just finished working out. I miss passion, excitement, lusting for my significant other, sharing things with each other, exploring life…living! I feel as if I’m just waiting to die. It’s becoming an existential crisis for me as I second guess my life. DH isn’t going to change, but I don’t want to blow up my kids’ lives over my romantic needs. My kids are really happy and have no idea that their do-it-all mom is overcompensating for missing romantic love in her life.

Any advice? Commiseration? It’s a new year and I feel dejected continuing like this.

Could you elaborate a bit more on your interracial relationship. It could be cultural. Perhaps your hubby comes a culture where men act this way.

DH is Jewish (Ashkenazi and born/raised on Northeast, if it matters). I’m a mixed-race second-gen immigrant.

We have a similar mix. My DH is a lot like what you describe in some ways. Dutiful but also struggling with depression. Mood and anger issues. My inlaws were not welcoming. He was lively and caring and fun during courtship but has become really distant, passive, and indifferent.

Setting aside some major mental health issues that led to a separation (unsuccessful in the sense that we got back together and are now in counseling), the only thing that works for me is just to detach. I have my own friends and activities. Throw myself into the kids. It’s unfulfilling and I feel periodically angry to be so unsupported. I think I need to get to the bottom of why I chose this partner and focus on “healing” my own issues.

Suspect my DH is dealing with unresolved inter generational Holocaust trauma. Is that an issue for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

OP could do better for sure. Sounds like she’s do very well for herself in the dating world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

OP here - As a man, do you find that you, too, prefer routine over trying new things? I don’t feel as if I’m asking for much, but I do know that what I consider living versus what he considers living differs very much. I never thought this might be an actual sex-based difference.

DP and woman here.

It's definitely a sex based difference. Almost every woman in my circle in mid 30s to mid 50s feels like you do. Even the men who are in shape are stuck in routines and content.

I have had friends literally cry to me, and then we compare notes, and it's the sane shit to varying degrees.

The secret is to accept it, find great supportive girlfriends and be grateful for what you do have

[Anonymous]

^

Same shit not sane shit. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, this guy sounds like a dud to me and I think OP could do much better. I get divorce isn’t a picnic and neither is dating in your 40’s, but it’s depressing to see so many urging her to settle so much.

OP could do better for sure. Sounds like she’s do very well for herself in the dating world.

She could do better in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Once things settle down and the new relationship gets old, it will be the same issue

She can " pressure" her current DH to lose the weight. It would be a fight, but that part is possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP honestly, it sounds like you just have an absolute ton of contempt for your husband, and I think we all know that doesn't bode well for the marriage. You just see yourself as superior, but guess what, should you get divorced, he's going to find a woman who appreciates him, farts and fat and all, much faster than you will find a man who meets your standards. I say this as a wife who related to a lot of what you wrote.

When I took a step back and really tried to think about DH in an objective way, I think that a lot of women would be thrilled to have him, partly because most men are junky, and partly because he has a lot of genuine good qualities. But we had other, more intense issues, and I told DH it was therapy or divorce so we are in therapy.

Something that helps is a class or activity you do just the two of you. We take a dance class and it is a nice way to connect and have a mini date night every week. You have to reconnect and do fun things together, dates, etc.

Have you read the thread? He won’t do a class or date night. That’s what OP wants. The fat and farting are the least of it. Out of shape men can be sexy if they learn to tango with you, want to enjoy a nice dinner out and appreciate you in lingerie. This guy doesn’t want to do anything but eat, sleep and work.

I re-read the thread and it doesn't say specifically that he refuses these things if she signs up, just that he doesn't want to do new things. My husband sounds extremely similar to OP's in many ways- highly averse to change, creature of routine, super stressed out over "new" sex things and not that interested in sex (maybe there is something in the water?). It took my poor husband 10 years before he let me be on top, and he used to be so loopy about getting oral. HIM doing oral? HA! In my dreams. So I am truly RIGHT THERE with OP.

At one point I signed us up for a dance class, and we did it no matter how nervous and upset he was about trying a new thing. And guess what! He liked it! And it was really fun! It was a wonderful way to reconnect. You HAVE to find ways to reconnect. Why? Because you are the one unhappy with the status quo.

OP here — It seems you’re skipping over the details I’ve already provided that would make clear your suggestions aren’t workable with my DH. I’m glad you and your DH are working things out though.

If you have a “come to Jesus” talk with him, sign him up for an activity with you, and he totally refuses to go, then you have a pretty depressed guy on your hands. I’ve been depressed before and had that kind of resistance.

In that case you need to convince him to treat his depression or give him an ultimatum. He’s not going to just magically change on his own.